Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

15 March 2012

Not Just A Pretty Face

I woke up this morning with the back of my hair looking like the top knot feathers on a cockatoo.

Where the fuck is my coffee?

Dan greeted me, as he always does (because he's an asshole... have I mentioned that?) with, "Good morning, baby... nice hair."

(Yeah... that NEVER gets old.  NEVER.)

As I was taking my personal inventory in the bathroom mirror (Make-up smeared from forehead to chin?  Check.  Brown spots from wayyyyyy too much sun exposure?  Got it.  Chin hairs appearing to the naked eye?  Check AND mate!)  I was suddenly knocked to the floor by a blinding revelation:


Wait... WHAT??!!

I knowwwww, right??

It shocked me, too.

Don't get me wrong; I had a good run.  I got by on my looks for wayyyy too long.  (Contrary to popular belief, you don't actually need brains and a personality if you come wrapped up in pretty paper.  Sad but true.  Well, not sad for me, but sad for the people who don't have brains, personality, OR a pretty face.)

And ugly people.  Don't forget about them.

I'm willing to wager that the Natural Beauty Ship sailed a few years ago without  me on it, but I was too busy being in denial to notice.  As long as *I* could look in the mirror and see a fresh faced 18 year old looking back at me, that's all that mattered.  

And since no one told me differently, I carried on as if it were actually true.

(Denial is a beautiful, beautiful thing, people.  Hang on to it as long as possible!!)

I started to notice little things, like people didn't always look as shocked as they used to when they found out I had grown-up children of my own.

I put it down to jealousy.  Whores.

And one time, when I was shopping with my friend's toddler in tow, a former co-worker had the audacity to ask if he was my grandson.





I decided it was because she knew I had grown kids of my own and had made a natural assumption that literally had nothing to do with my apparent youth (bitch).

THENNNNN a former high school classmate was looking through my pictures on Facebook and commented on a photo that was taken at a friend's wedding in Vegas:

"Wow... your daughter looks just like you!  She's beautiful!"

My... my...  my WHAT?

SHE'S IN HER 30's!!!!!!

After I recovered, I came to the obvious conclusion that he assumed she was my daughter because he knows how old I am (seeing as how he's the same age but looks 100 years older, asshole).

But then, last night?

This happened.

Dan and I had to go to a birthday party for one of our nephews.

Which was fine... I'm all about eating pizza and birthday cake.


If I must be truthful, I've been slacking a little on the hair and make-up.  A lot of the time I figure I'm not ever going to run into anyone I know in this town, even by accident, and as long as my husband loves me just the way I am, why spend the extra time dolling myself up?


For future reference:

If you have a man who tells you he "prefers" you with no make-up, it's because of one of two reasons:

1.  He knows better than to say otherwise and/or

2.  He wants to get going and he knows it's going to take you a while to get ready.

I would never lie about something this important.  

Anyway, so even though it went completely against my religion (I worship at the Church of the Cosmo Girl, under the Spiritual Guidance of my Lord and Savior, Helen Gurley Brown) I started to get lazy and rock the "natural" look.

I managed to convince myself I looked just fine.

No one did an intervention.


You look beautiful!  No, really!  I love what you've done with your hair!!
Anyway, last night, I hauled out all the paint brushes and hair product and made myself look presentable for the big Fam Damily Get-Together.  (I still have some standards.)  I was all dressed up and ready to go when Dan came home from work.

Dan:  *stopping in the hallway and staring at me*  "Wowwwwwww, baby... you look amazing!!  You can really tell you've lost some weight!!"

(No you can't... I've only lost 6 lbs.  But really?  Five pounds of make-up shaves 15 lbs off my ass?  PERFECT!!!!)

When we got to the pizza restaurant, my nephew greeted me with, "Hi Aunt Dani!  You look beautiful!" followed by my mother-in-law, "Wow!  Look at you!  You look so pretty!"


Don't get me wrong, I'm all about the compliments, but really?

It wasn't MY birthday...  and come to think of it, the last 50 times they saw me (the 49th of which was just last week, when I cooked them all dinner) NO one said a WORD about how stunning I am.

Ponder, ponder...

No shit.

Have I been... LYING to myself??

Is it.... possible?




Which brings me back to my jaw-dropping knees-buckling head-exploding boltfromtheblue epiphany in the bathroom mirror:

Holy Mother of God, I look like shit.

Your tits aren't always gonna be enough, Pamela.

My eyebrows are so light as to practically be non-existent, my eyes sag, bag, and do the limbo, the sun spots on my face are starting to resemble leopard print and the gray streaks in my hair, which I've been telling myself look like blonde highlights, give me a distinct resemblance to Kitty Bartholomew and/or Pepe LePew.

God help me.

In no uncertain terms, I need to wear make-up.

I've passed the point of no return.

My youth is a ship that passed in the night.

Screw you, Youth.

Eat shit, Natural Beauty.

Bite me, Dewy Young Skin.

Kiss my ass, Plump Lips.

Oh, Goldie....  no.  Just... no.  Even MY mirror isn't that big of a liar.

I feel your pain, Sharon.

I've decided to become a crusader for those of us who woke up suddenly one morning and discovered a haggard middle-aged woman staring back at them in the mirror.

JUST SAY NO to leaving the house without make-up!!

JUST SAY NO to aging gracefully!!!!



I'm talking to YOU, Brooke.

Finally... I have a mission.  This is my Reason For Being.  At long last, I know what my Special Purpose is...

Go away, Andie McDowell.... no one is talking to you.

What was I saying?  I got distracted by fucking Andie McDowell and her even more fuckingly fabulous unmade-up face.  I heard she's a real bitch.

You can leave anytime, too, Eva Longoria.  No one invited you.


There comes a time in every woman's life where she needs to know that she's not ready to face the day without at least 6 different kinds of make-up.

In order of importance:

Anti-aging foundation

Translucent powder

Eyebrow powder

Eye-shadow (at least two different shades, fyi, but I'm only counting this as one)

Eye liner (if you're over 30, please... PLEASE don't put it on your inner lower lid.  Unless you're a chola.  Mmmkay?)


Now you can walk downstairs, stick your head out the door, grab your mail, and come back inside, and look good doing it.

We get it, Heidi.  You're a freaking super model.  Now go get ugly or something.

I'm getting annoyed by these bitch celebrities who look amazing without make-up or air-brushing.  Who do they think they are, making me look ugly?

Ahhh.... here we go:

I love it when Kirstie Alley shows up and makes my point for me.


  1. Wait . . . but what if I'm fat AND ugly but have NO inner beauty? What then, huh?

    Yeah, I recently discovered that I cannot even lie around the house without some basic foundation and powder, because the bags under my eyes look like I'm packing for a week long family vacation for four. And if I am actually leaving the house? Yeah, I gotta do the whole spectrum. Even if I am only wearing a hat and sweatshirt/jeans. The face has got to be put on. I really don't wanna scare the children, ya know?

    Getting old is a bitch, ain't it? Damn.

    1. Getting Old needs to be given a lethal injection.

      Remember alllll the times I said, all self-righteously and shit, "I will NEVER do Botox!!"

      Well, AS IT TURNS OUT, I mayyyyy have been lying.

      I want Botox for my next birthday. Lots and lots and lots of Botox.

  2. Holy shit! I only have 1 1/2 items on ny he must list! How the hell am I. Supposed to get to. The store to buy the rest? Aside from looking like hell doing so? I guess I could mail orde and just wait inside until they arrive....but then will you drive the 4 hours south to show me how to. Apply all of that stuff so the circus doesn't come to get me?!

    1. My word, girl!! Order that shit online!!!

      That's all you need to know.

  3. Please oh please oh please oh please don't let me look like that in direct sunlight.

    Dear gawd.

    (Dani, I still think you're pretty.)

    1. That's why one must always wear sunglasses bigger than one's head when one may or may not be seen in direct sunslight.

      It is written.

      And thank you, love... My mother thinks I am, too.

  4. Holy hell. That Kathy Griffin pic is scary. She looks like Carrot Top.

    PS - I feel like it's a sin to leave concealer off that list.

    1. I don't have dark circles, Praise Jebus, but you can add to the list at will. That's why I specified NO LESS than six things. I also left off bronzer, cheek highlights, lip liner, lipstick....

      My friends and I used to play "If you were stuck on a desert island and could only pack 6 things in your make up bag, what would they be?" because being trapped on a desert island without make-up would obviously be a fate worse than death.

    2. You are lucky. Unfortunately, I am a master at concealing eye bags!

  5. 3 Things:

    1. That Kathy Griffin pic is fucking scary. I am a BIG fan of hers, but Jesus H. Christ! Girl knows how to apply the make-up or pay someone to do it though, as she looks 1000x better with the make-up.

    2. The "unless you're a chola" line is hilarious! Maybe it's the central valley thing?

    3. Get down on your knees and thank Helen Gurley Brown that you don't have the dark circles. I cannot even go to the gym @5:30 a.m. without concealer under my eyes. That shit is tragic!

  6. Have you ever heard the song "Lean Like A Chola"? It kills me. Seriously.

    If you haven't, youtube it. Now.

    I think I was more horrified by Brooke Shields even than Kathy Griffin... My GOD she looks like a DUDE!! An ugly dude!! An ugly dude with some serious wrinkly shit going on!


    I spent wayyyyyy too much time today googling these pictures.

  7. And the inadvertently-catching-sight-of-your-reflection-in-a-store-window, that will do it too. Why would you powder your eyebrows though?

    1. Eyebrow powder is like eyeshadow for your eyebrows... It creates a more natural looking brow than pencil.

      I has very light eyebrows :(( If I don't "enhance" them, it looks like I don't have any.

      I'm a wizard with brow powder.

  8. Okay, I know exactly where you are coming from. I used to think I looked pretty damn good for an old broad (54), then my husband had to go and haul out the photo albums the other day and after looking at younger me for an hour, I was ready to call for an emergency Nip Tuck. I mean, it's like it happened over night. I was ready to just off myself, then the mortician could beautify me and everyone would be all "Wow she looks really good"! Because that's what everybody always says...ever noticed that? And uh...THAT'S Pamela Anderson???? Too much sun maybe? I didn't even recognize her. And as far as Kathy and Brooke, oh my. What they can do with makeup and lighting these days huh?
    And you are 100% correct, Sephoria rocks it and it gets delivered to your need to go out in public.
    But Dani, you need to give us lessons on the powder eyebrow thing. I have been obsessed with my brows for about 6 months now. I cannot figure out if I want them thin or thick, slight arch or Julianna Margulies arched. I've tried the powder, because I hate the Joan Crawford pencil look, but I fail at it.
    Please help us Dani. Please show us how to be pretty again.

  9. I'm blonde (translate that to "gray") and my eyebrows are essentially see-through. How bout an eyebrow tutorial? I can't do the pencil thing. Also, I nearly cried when I realized that I was shopping for skin care/makeup in the "mature/aging" section. Boo.


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