Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

20 March 2012

The sky is falling! The sky is falling!!

I am riddled with Irrational Fears.

I truly am.

I usually don't waste my time stressing over the big things... I look at the Doomsday Planners and think, "Dude... if it's all going to end in a few months do you REALLY want to be left holding all the food?  Your ass will be tortured and killed for a can of Spam!"

No thank you.  First of all, I've never eaten Spam and I don't ever want to be in a situation where I decide it's a good idea to try it.

Secondly, when I die, it certainly isn't going to be over a can of Spam.

Oh HELL no.

It'll be something embarrassing, and butt-related.

When the planet explodes, I'll be happily parked on the couch watching Murder She Wrote and eating Good n Plentys.  I'll be shocked as shit, too.... trust me on that.  All the Emergency Broadcast System warnings will go unnoticed because I mute that shit until it's over.

(Seriously... who came up with that godawful noise they make, alerting you to imminent disaster?  It sounds like a freaking fax machine.  I get so effing irritated when I hear it that I don't bother paying attention to the message at hand because I'm too busy mimicking the sound and being annoyed.  Then someone calls me and screams, "Oh my God!  ARE YOU OKAY?"  And I'm all, "Whaaa...?"  And they're all, "DUDE!!  A meteor just crashed to earth and landed on your front lawn!!"  And I'm all, "Well, shit... I guess I should get dressed since the media and NASA will be showing up any minute.  I really wanted to just spend the day watching tv.  Fucking meteor.")

Damn!  I should've thought of that....

So yeah.... Death, distruction, Zombie Apocalypse...  I'll be the person sitting on the sidelines eating popcorn and wondering what's going on, but won't be super concerned about it because, you know, it probably doesn't involve me.  And if it does, I'll be like the captain on the Titanic going down with the ship asking, "What iceburg?"

But the really improbably, unlikely things?  THOSE are the ones that keep me awake at night.  THOSE are the things that stress me out and raise my blood pressure and give me gray hairs.

For example....

Irrational Fear #1

Drinking out of a soda can.

I hate to drink out of a can.  I make up all kinds of excuses for it, like "It tastes tinny" and "It makes me burp" but here's the cold hard truth of the matter:

I don't want to swallow someone's severed finger.

Or a hypodermic needle.

Or a rat.

Because there's like a chance in 5,647,374,537,204,948,563 that one of the above could be in there, and we all know I would be the person happily chugging on that can who would inevitably choke to death on a thumb.

When I need to resort to drinking from a can (because I'm dying of thirst and no one will get me a class with ice) the soda always seems... chunky.

And I obsessively shake the can, to make sure nothing is rattling around inside of it.

Seriously.  You never know what  you might find in a can.

Irrational Fear #2

Going blind when the lights are turned off.

Shut up.  It is TOO possible.

When I was a little girl, I watched an episode of Lassie, that involved a blind boy and his Seeing Eye dog.

The boy was explaining to Timmy what had happened, and said (and I quote... yes, I was 5 years old but it absolutely scared the shit out of me so I remember it as if it were yesterday), "And then one night, the lights went out... and I was blind."


A more rational person would recognize that as a euphemism for losing one's sight.

As a highly literal 5 year old, I was pretty sure it meant that when someone turned off the lights, he went blind.

And even now, when I turn the lights off, I suffer a brief moment of terror that blindness will strike and I will never see again.

Screw you, Timmy.


Timmy is an asshole.

Irrational Fear #3

Leaving the house without my pants on.

It's never actually happened, but I always have those brief moments of panic when I step out of my car that maybe, just maybe, I'm pantsless.

I know everyone has that dream where you are back in school and you suddenly realize, while you're walking down the hall to your locker, that... *gasp*... you don't have on any pants.    In my dreams, I'm not only pantsless, I'm pantYless, too.  And I'm always distracted by trying to pull my shirt down low enough to cover my bizzness in the front and my party in the back, but the shirt is never quite long enough.

And there is no more vulnerable feeling in the world than a cool breeze on your bare backside.

There just isn't.

Even in my dreams, I feel that breeze.

I feel like I'm forgetting something...

Is there a draft in here?

Irrational Fear #4

Tucking my skirt into the back of my underwear/girdle/pantyhose.

I've actually done this one enough times that it almost doesn't qualify as an "irrational" fear.  It's really quite rational, come to think of it.

I have traipsed across more college campuses than I can even count exposing my backside to the masses without a care in the world, no doubt feeling sexy and flirty due to all the people staring at me...


Scratch this one.

Totally rational fear.  Totally.

They all want me...

Irrational Fear #5

Bat attack.

I have a hard time believing that this one is actually irrational, because I'm almost positive that it could happen.

Anything that flutters and flies around at night is a bat.

If a leaf falls and lands on my head (which may or may not have happened) it's a bat, and as sure as I'm sitting here, I will beat myself to death trying to get that bastard off of me.

I don't like sleeping outside or hanging out around a campfire because when you do?  You are totally leaving yourself open to potential Attack By Bat.

I don't like going outside at night because I know they're there, waiting to fly into my hair and kill me with their bat germs.

I'm afraid of windows with no screens because if they're left open, a bat could get in, wait until I'm in bed, and then kill me in my sleep.


Oh, Sarah... you're my hero!!

And finally,

Irrational Fear #6

Fear of Mayonnaise.

It's out there.

I know it's out there.

People are trying to put it into my food, sneak it onto my sandwiches, and convince me that I can't taste it.

They're wrong.

It's there, I know it's there, and if I put it in my mouth, I will die.

If I think about it long enough while I'm eating a sandwich that someone else prepared at the same time another sandwich was made with mayonnaise in it, I can actually taste it, via osmosis.  The fumes absorbed into my sandwich while it was being put on the other sandwich.

I know this for a fact.


What are you afraid of?

Share with the class...


  1. Well shit - thanks! Now I'm going to subconsciously add every last one of YOUR irrationally plausible fears to my own vast list! Totally not leaving the house today. With or sans pants! *panic*

  2. I am petrified of the creatures that live under my bed. I don't care that the only thing down there is dustbunnies and our wedding pictures. At night, when the lights are off, they ooze out and try to grab my ankles as I try to get into bed. That is why I have perfect the one step, LEAP LIKE MAD, into my bed at night. I don't care if its least they will never get me.

    1. That's why you HIRE somebody to turn off the light for you. Seriously.


      The Nightlight Queen

  3. You is funny, girl. And cray-cray. Must be why we get along so well.

    And you would be the one to choke on a severed finger. Just say no to those canned sodas girl.

    Oh, and can you check out my site today and help me out. I'm trying to get this mess sorted out. Thanks, babe!!

    1. I think we get along so well because I secretly want to be you, stalking the masses with my camera phone...

      And yeah... I know FOR A FACT that there is a finger in a can SOMEWHERE. And it will wind up at the Big M in Northern NY, and I will drink it. And choke on it. And die.

      It is written.

  4. Ok, I can't decide if I feel better or worse for why I don't like to drink out of cans...five bazillion germs right on that ridge where I am supposed to put my mouth. Random people walking thru the store obviously and repeatedly touching all the rims of the know they do!

    1. I'm pretty sure people with narly-ass teeth randomly lick the tops of cans while they're perusing the soft drink aisle.

      You're welcome.

  5. Oh man, I compulsively check my skirt so I avoid number 4. And that porn thing? Yeah. it's a real concern.

  6. Spam is awesome. I rediscovered this when we had a Hawaiian luau themed pool party. Spam is the big deal in Hawaii - No shit, Google it. I put spam, cheese, and pineapple ...yes I said pineapple...on a roll. I thought I hated that. But it was so damn good. Give it a try.... really.

    1. I've heard that before!! I just.... no. I can't do it.

      Add "fear of canned meat" to my list of Irrational Fears.

      I'm pretty sure it's all lips and assholes, compressed.

      The only positive about spam is that you used to have to open it with a key.

      Or am I thinking of something else??

      If so, Spam has nothing going for it. Nothing.

  7. Oooo, I share that fear of mayo, but it isn't just the repugnant smell, I am deathly afraid if I ingest it I'll get food poisoning. Because it could be bad mayo, you know.

    1. If I ate mayo i would surely die anyway, so for me, food poisoning is a moot point. Because I wouldn't live that long for it to settle in.

      I'm deathly afraid of ingesting tuna that I didn't prepare myself because I have the irrational fear of bad tuna thing going on there.

      Unless I physically open the pouch and add all the ingredients myself, it isn't going in my mouth. Because on top of Fear of Salmonella, there is also a really good chance that someone may have sneaked mayo into it.

      True story.

  8. Hate on me all you want, but I'm not really afraid of anything. Mayo? Icky in large quantities and I'll usually try to replace it with greek yogurt anytime I can get away with it, but most definitely not afraid of it. Snakes? They only bother me if they try to strangle my house pets. Hell, I took a shower with a voyeuristic daddy long legs last night and made a show of soaping up the girls.

    I will say that I hate drinking non-carbonated beverages from cans. If it's carbonated, I don't notice a difference, but give me a peach snapple in a can, and there's an unpleasant tang that shouldn't be there. I also have to wipe down the entire top of the can before I'll drink from it. That was an eye opening science experiment.

    1. Snakes don't bother me, nor do spiders... but put wings on those bastards and you'll see me open up a can of whoop-ass because I just KNOW they're plotting to kill me.

      Anything that flies is trying to kill me and must be feared.

      And beaten to death.

      With my bare hands.

      Because I'm a Bad. Ass. Bitch.


  9. I have a fear similar to yours of bats, only with big-ass flying cockroaches. Yes, I have nearly beaten my head to a bloody pulp thinking one was in my hair. And I always think some nose-picking kid has opened and sampled the contents of every jar and screw top bottle at the front of the shelf. I buy one from the back and still wash the neck and bottle top before using, sometimes even scrape off the top bit and throw it away. Kid boogers, gross.

    Pantsless, not much of a worry. I once left the house and did all my shopping with my fly open. And I don't wear underwear. It would take more than that to embarrass me if anyone even notcied.

  10. Irrational fear that came true today: I have alzheimers disease. I saw my laptop computer on the kitchen table, right by the door this morning so (evidently..I have no recollection of this) I put it under my bed. This afternoon when I came home from work I said to my son "Hey can I have the laptop?" He said, "I don't have it." We looked all over the house for it and couldn't find it. Accusations of theft were thrown around (one particular kid who had been in the apartment and who was the only one who had left), kid was fingered, kid was accosted by both me and my son and we got home we looked under the bed again and THERE IT WAS. I had to apologize to a 15 year old pothead for accusing him of theft (THANK GOD I DIDN'T CALL HIS DAD...). I really need to take some ginko.

  11. You've now added the fear of blindness when the lights go out for me..but I totally share your fear of bat attacks (also, the years when gypsy moths and caterpilars are everywhere the same thing). I have long hair and it must be up and under a ballcap if I'm outside at night, cuz obviously bats want to land in it and drag me away. Also, mayonaise terrifies me so completely that I will not allow it to be in the house. The smell of it in someone's lunch sets off my gag reflex. Thanks for giving me more to think about and be scared of!


I'm a total comment whore... Leave me a message after the beep. *pause* *pause* *pause* BEEP!