Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

07 May 2012

Brows of Fury

Did Rosie O'Donnell have a facelift???

I just caught a glimpse of her on that horrible show with Fran Drescher, Happily Divorced, (in which her ex husband is gay and they live together, and she still has the Most. Annoying.  Voice.  EVERRR) and her eyebrows have suddenly morphed into verrryyyy Joan Crawford-ish arches.

Like, VERY.

See???  <cue slasher music>

As you may or may not know, I'm not young.  In fact, I'm bordering on old.  Suddenly, almost without warning, I'm almost as old as my mom... or, at least as old as I think my mom SHOULD be.  (Which possibly isn't exactly the same thing.  I mean, when I think of my mom, I think 50-ish.  When I think of myself, I think 30-ish.  In reality, I'm 49-ish, which means I'm technically almost the same age as my mom.  Right??)

Bottom line:  I'm not a huge fan of growing older.  If I had the means and funds to give myself a complete cosmetic overhaul, you'd better damn betcha I'd probably do it.  Lift this, tuck that, cut this piece here right off... I'm all over that shit.  

My Life Long Dream is to become Bionic.

So far be it from me to judge Miss Rosie for going under the knife.


Okay, I can't help it.  I think she should have foregone the brow lift and instead, gone with the neck lift.

But that's just me.

I honestly don't get the whole Celebrity Brow Lift look.  Why would anyone want to spend top dollar to look perpetually surprised??  I mean, I understand the lure of a smooth forehead and a natural brow arch that you don't have to pluck for, but there's something about a brow lift that leaves the rest of the face behind, you know?

For example, let's look to Miss Darryl Hannah:

From the bridge of her nose UP she's smooth and serene, looking a teensy bit as if she just walked in on her own surprise party.

From the bridge of the nose DOWN she looks like someone's Old Aunt Sue, to whom life is very grim and mermaid-less.

(Also?  The hair?  No, Darryl.  Not with that hairline.  Not ever.)

Moving right along, let us review the current tragedy that is Priscilla Presley:

Smooth forehead, arched brow, with the rest of her face hanging sadly off of it all.  (Again, what is with the hair???  Hello, Hollywood?  CHANGE STYLISTS.)

Check this one out  (I don't exactly know who she is but she makes my point beautifully):


Having the luck that I have, I can guarantee myself that if I ever decide to go under the knife and have my entire face steamed, pressed, and starched, I WILL be one of those people who winds up looking like this:

I mean, who ELSE gets a boob lift and winds up with one of them exploding??

Why, ME, of course!!

I try to serve as a horrible example of What Can Go Wrong, WILL Go Wrong (it's the least I can do) and yet I still find myself drawn towards the Fountain Of Youth that is cosmetic surgery.

Imagine, I say to myself when I spend wayyyyy too long picking apart all my faults and flaws in the mirror... Just a teensy lift here, a slight nip there, a tilt, some lipo... Boob lift, butt lift, tummy tuck, lip injections, hair plugs, leg extensions in your femur, laser skin rejuvenation...

You would be a whole new woman.  Taller, thinner, better, faster...

They can rebuild you.

And then I could marry Steve Austin and we would live happily and bionically ever after.

Only the reality would probably look more like this:

Because that's how I roll.


  1. I have a close friend who had saggy skin removed from her eyelids, and a few other things done to her face. She just looks younger, but still looks the same. That's how plastic surgery is supposed to work. That Darryl Hannah pic is FRIGHTENING. You would think with all that money you'd research. Why doesn't everyone in Hollywood just go, "I want Demi Moore's surgeon." Now there's a lady who's had tons of work, and did it right.

    I am totally pro doing whatever the hell you want. I choose to grow old naturally, but I don't judge anyone who doesn't. Do whatever makes you happy, I say.

    I am betting Rosie just had her eyebrows done differently. I don't see her as a surgery person. Now I have to go research. :)

    1. Right???!!! I mean, hell... if I come into the money that's totally what I'd be doing... I'd be all, BRING ME DEMI MOORE'S SURGEON, STAT!!

  2. I'd totally get some shit done. I wouldn't go overboard or anything. Just the little things. Eyes, lipo, yank some shit back up to where it used to be. Y'know, the necessities.

    1. I tell myself that, too, but I know myself well enough to know that I'd wind up on Intervention looking like Joan Rivers.

  3. Yeah, you damn straight know you would turn into that cat woman. Just say no, Dani. I don't wanna have to shoot you in the face to put you out of my misery!

    I want my boobs lifted, eyelids lifted and that's about it. I don't want anything else stretched or sucked or anything like that. But the sagging of my boobs and eyes is the most depressing thing, ever. That needs correcting. If I ever have the money . . . Yeah, I'll be 90 by the time that happens!

    1. Ah, the sagging boobs... that was so hard for me to cope with. I looked like I had two cocker spaniel ears strapped to my chest.

      Now the rest of my face is following suit. Jowls, anyone? Anyone?

      I know I wouldn't MEAN to do the full-on Catwoman, but you know how it is...

      Karma, I am thou bitch.

    2. Jowly, party of one, at your service! *Le sigh*

  4. Hey Dani, first of all, this post is hilarious. Secondly, do you need a red dress moment? If so email me at

    Hugs- Heidi

    1. I emailed you, mama...

      Love you long time <3

  5. Oh, and to follow up, I seriously started considering eyelid work once I tried to do a cat eye, and realized my liquid liner was getting stuck in skin folds that did not used to be there. I can't say I'll never do it, but I'd love to be able to just let it go. Not easy for a totally obsessive person who once they focus on something, CAN NOT let it go. Damn you shar-pei eyelids!

    1. Eyelid surgery is an outpatient procedure and is usually done in the surgeon's office... I know a few people who've had it done and I must say, I'd totally consider it.

      On the other hand, I know a woman who got her eyeliner TATTOOED onto her eyelids (which looked hideous to begin with) and then when her lids got crepey and droopy, it was TRAGIC. TRAAAAGIC.

  6. Ughhhh. It scares me. When you can pull it off, great. But that fake plasticy look is awful to me.

    1. It's amazing how brave one gets when their face falls off and their boobs hit the floor...

  7. Why bother making your face look young?!? I mean, let's just concentrate on our vaginas, people! I'm gonna order some fake hymen. Because THAT is a real thing. And even though I have 2 kids and have been married for 11 years, I'm pretty sure my husband will buy it. Plus, I think it's edible. SCORE!



  8. My eye was instantly drawn to their eyebrows. I'd prefer people to look me in the eye, rather than say 'hi, your eyebrows look nice today!'. Making eye contact is difficult if you have to get past those wings.

    I'm fine with growing old, since it beats the alternative. But I'd absolutely have a boob lift if it meant I could go braless again. I detest wearing a bra. Who knew even small boobs would droop so much? So unfair.

  9. I've had my boobs and my nose done and if I had the money I'd get a brow lift too. I am in no way shy about being vapid and shallow. :)

  10. Holy crap on a cracker! I did not know that was what Priscilla and Darryl were roaming the earth looking like these days! I hope I can sleep tonight!

  11. I am all for a nip and tuck if it's done tastefully. Demi Moore is a great example, or Julie Christie. Holy crap she looks awesome.

    Frozen Puffy Face? Not so much.

  12. Rosie's brows look they were cleaned up correctly, not so much a lift. The last 2 pictures are incredibly frightening. I just want a nice facial!


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