Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

07 May 2012

Brows of Fury

Did Rosie O'Donnell have a facelift???

I just caught a glimpse of her on that horrible show with Fran Drescher, Happily Divorced, (in which her ex husband is gay and they live together, and she still has the Most. Annoying.  Voice.  EVERRR) and her eyebrows have suddenly morphed into verrryyyy Joan Crawford-ish arches.

Like, VERY.

See???  <cue slasher music>

As you may or may not know, I'm not young.  In fact, I'm bordering on old.  Suddenly, almost without warning, I'm almost as old as my mom... or, at least as old as I think my mom SHOULD be.  (Which possibly isn't exactly the same thing.  I mean, when I think of my mom, I think 50-ish.  When I think of myself, I think 30-ish.  In reality, I'm 49-ish, which means I'm technically almost the same age as my mom.  Right??)

Bottom line:  I'm not a huge fan of growing older.  If I had the means and funds to give myself a complete cosmetic overhaul, you'd better damn betcha I'd probably do it.  Lift this, tuck that, cut this piece here right off... I'm all over that shit.  

My Life Long Dream is to become Bionic.

So far be it from me to judge Miss Rosie for going under the knife.


Okay, I can't help it.  I think she should have foregone the brow lift and instead, gone with the neck lift.

But that's just me.

I honestly don't get the whole Celebrity Brow Lift look.  Why would anyone want to spend top dollar to look perpetually surprised??  I mean, I understand the lure of a smooth forehead and a natural brow arch that you don't have to pluck for, but there's something about a brow lift that leaves the rest of the face behind, you know?

For example, let's look to Miss Darryl Hannah:

From the bridge of her nose UP she's smooth and serene, looking a teensy bit as if she just walked in on her own surprise party.

From the bridge of the nose DOWN she looks like someone's Old Aunt Sue, to whom life is very grim and mermaid-less.

(Also?  The hair?  No, Darryl.  Not with that hairline.  Not ever.)

Moving right along, let us review the current tragedy that is Priscilla Presley:

Smooth forehead, arched brow, with the rest of her face hanging sadly off of it all.  (Again, what is with the hair???  Hello, Hollywood?  CHANGE STYLISTS.)

Check this one out  (I don't exactly know who she is but she makes my point beautifully):


Having the luck that I have, I can guarantee myself that if I ever decide to go under the knife and have my entire face steamed, pressed, and starched, I WILL be one of those people who winds up looking like this:

I mean, who ELSE gets a boob lift and winds up with one of them exploding??

Why, ME, of course!!

I try to serve as a horrible example of What Can Go Wrong, WILL Go Wrong (it's the least I can do) and yet I still find myself drawn towards the Fountain Of Youth that is cosmetic surgery.

Imagine, I say to myself when I spend wayyyyy too long picking apart all my faults and flaws in the mirror... Just a teensy lift here, a slight nip there, a tilt, some lipo... Boob lift, butt lift, tummy tuck, lip injections, hair plugs, leg extensions in your femur, laser skin rejuvenation...

You would be a whole new woman.  Taller, thinner, better, faster...

They can rebuild you.

And then I could marry Steve Austin and we would live happily and bionically ever after.

Only the reality would probably look more like this:

Because that's how I roll.