I received an email the other day from my friend, Dana, that sent me spiraling down a path littered with memories of Awkward Moments With Mom And Dad.
Oh GOD... the Awkward Moments With Mom And Dad...
Make it stop...
 |
| NOOOOoooooo... |
But first, Dana's story:
Turlock, CA
2012
I was sitting on the patio last night with my son Patrick and husband Steve when our conversation is completely drowned out by the loud moaning of a woman, probably one house over, having sex. There was NO mistaking this sound. Based on the tempo (oh crap, how do you spell rhythm?) She was getting it GOOD. "Oh God, oh shit, yes fuck me, oh God!"
We could almost hear flesh slapping against flesh. Lucky gal, this went on for about an hour. And, no. Nothing awkward about listening to that with your son. Let's see...what else can we talk about to distract us from the carnal activity over yonder?
Oh, Dana... Dana, Dana... You have no idea what deep, dark places this revelation awakened in my tortured mind, the can of worms that thou has opened...
Picture it:
Turlock, CA
1982
A Day That Will Go Down In Infamy
I was 19 years old and home visiting the 'rents. My mother had a group of Lady Friends coming over to the house for a Sewing Circle (my idea of Dante's 4th Circle Of Hell... there are worse things, but Sewing Circle is up there). I was naturally invited to hang out (and do what? Demonstrate how my effective use of duct tape to hem up my pants totally eliminated the need to ever thread a needle?) but I gracefully declined, citing the many reasons why I would rather stab myself in the eyes than hang out with my mother and her friends (all of whom irritated the ever loving shit out of me) and sew.
(*Sidebar: I was an exceedingly adorable daughter. A-freaking-dorable. And always charming and respectful. Always.)
My mother then took it upon herself to arrange a Father-Daughter date for my dad and me, to get us both out of her hair and also to no doubt to ensure that I would never, ever diss her Sewing Circle again.
What happened next scarred me for life.
I had no idea what our "date" would entail, as my mother planned it and presented it as a "surprise."
"Your dad is taking you to dinner and a movie tonight to spend some quality time together! It's going to be so special! SURPRISE!"
(Basically, this meant that I had to cancel my previously made plans of drinking myself into a stupor with my friends and making poor choices after my blood alcohol level reached 2.0. Curses!)
My dad took me to dinner, which was awkward at best, and then took me to the theater to see the movie my mother had told him I would probably enjoy watching.
As I heard him tell the ticket person what movie he was taking me to, the hair raised up on the back of my neck and I desperately prayed for the floor to open up and swallow me, right then and there.
That's right, people...
My dad took me to see Fast Times At Ridgemont High.
Kill. Me. Now.
For two hours we sat silently in the theater, side by side, as Phoebe Cates demonstrated the proper way to give a blow job, Jennifer Jason Leigh lost her virginity, Judge Reinhold masturbated to the fantasy of Phoebe Cates removing her bikini top on the diving board...
Nudity, sex, nipples like gumdrops, tumescence...
That's EXACTLY the kind of thing you want to watch WITH YOUR DAD.
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| Because practicing giving a blowjob with a carrot during lunch at school is part of the curriculum! |
Well played, Mother... Well played.
And then, there was the Exit To Eden fiasco.
Turlock, CA
1994
(All bad things happen in Turlock, CA. It is written.)
My parents had a bad, bad habit of going to the video rental place and grabbing movies, willy-nilly, off the rack without bothering to see what they were about.
(Don't even get me started on the time my mother came back with a movie titled "Eating Raoul." Basically, it was a dark, dark comedy about S & M, mass murder, and cannibalism. When asked why in the name of all that is holy she decided to rent that particular movie, she replied, "I thought it would be about France." Ummm... why? "Because the person's name is Raoul." But of course. That makes PERFECT FUCKING SENSE, DOESN'T IT?)
I was down visiting with my kids when my parents thought it would be fun to have a movie and pizza night at home.
Why why WHY did I agree? WHYYY?
Mom ordered the pizza and sent Dad off to rent a couple movies.
Naturally, he comes home with Exit To Eden, a comedy with Rosie O'Donnell and Dan Aykroyd, in which they play undercover agents who infiltrate a Bondage and S & M Retreat.
First scene of the movie: A little boy getting wildly aroused while he's getting spanked by his mom.
Yeah... this bodes well.
I've blacked out most of it but I can't seem to get the image of Dana Delaney letting some guy lick sugar and butter off of her nippular area out of my head.
Which I watched.
With my parents.
In dead silence.
While praying for death.
Dad's reasoning for choosing this movie: "I thought it would be something about the Bible."
Of course. Because Rosie O'Donnell dressed as a dominatrix would TOTALLY be in the Bible... yes?
And then, finally, there's Dan...
I may or may not have mentioned before that naturally, I started my period on our wedding day.
(Because, honestly... when ELSE would I start, right?)
Now, granted, getting one's period is not the terrible secret it used to be back in the day... But it's still not something one wants to Share With The Class unless it's absolutely necessary.
Anyway, the day AFTER our wedding Dan and I took his parents on a little tour of the area. I had warned Dan prior to leaving that I was not going to hike up and down sand dunes or go foraging for berries in the wilds of Del Norte County. I had cramps, I was bloated, I was headachey and quite frankly, barely in the mood to even sit in the freaking car. The less I moved around, the better.
He nodded and claimed to understand and swore on his own death bed that he would not suggest anything that involved physical activity.
As we got into the car, Dan's dad asked, "So what are our plans for today?"
Dan replied, "Well, Dani's on her period and is bloated and crampy, so she doesn't want to do anything that involves walking. How about we just take a drive?"
Dead silence filled the car.
Dan, not to be deterred, continued, "Now ask me how my wedding night went! Haw haw haww!"
And finally, I just want to share this with you, not because it has anything to do with this blog, but because I came across it while googling for other things and I think it's hifreakingLARIOUS:
I know... it's all kinds of wrong, isn't it?
Peace out, home skillets... have a fabulous day!! And share with me your awkward moments with parents or as parents or in lieu of parents...
Turlock, CA
1994
(All bad things happen in Turlock, CA. It is written.)
My parents had a bad, bad habit of going to the video rental place and grabbing movies, willy-nilly, off the rack without bothering to see what they were about.
(Don't even get me started on the time my mother came back with a movie titled "Eating Raoul." Basically, it was a dark, dark comedy about S & M, mass murder, and cannibalism. When asked why in the name of all that is holy she decided to rent that particular movie, she replied, "I thought it would be about France." Ummm... why? "Because the person's name is Raoul." But of course. That makes PERFECT FUCKING SENSE, DOESN'T IT?)
I was down visiting with my kids when my parents thought it would be fun to have a movie and pizza night at home.
Why why WHY did I agree? WHYYY?
Mom ordered the pizza and sent Dad off to rent a couple movies.
Naturally, he comes home with Exit To Eden, a comedy with Rosie O'Donnell and Dan Aykroyd, in which they play undercover agents who infiltrate a Bondage and S & M Retreat.
First scene of the movie: A little boy getting wildly aroused while he's getting spanked by his mom.
Yeah... this bodes well.
I've blacked out most of it but I can't seem to get the image of Dana Delaney letting some guy lick sugar and butter off of her nippular area out of my head.
Which I watched.
With my parents.
In dead silence.
While praying for death.
Dad's reasoning for choosing this movie: "I thought it would be something about the Bible."
Of course. Because Rosie O'Donnell dressed as a dominatrix would TOTALLY be in the Bible... yes?
 |
| What do you MEAN the movie's about S & M? How could anyone possibly get THAT from the cover? |
And then, finally, there's Dan...
I may or may not have mentioned before that naturally, I started my period on our wedding day.
(Because, honestly... when ELSE would I start, right?)
Now, granted, getting one's period is not the terrible secret it used to be back in the day... But it's still not something one wants to Share With The Class unless it's absolutely necessary.
Anyway, the day AFTER our wedding Dan and I took his parents on a little tour of the area. I had warned Dan prior to leaving that I was not going to hike up and down sand dunes or go foraging for berries in the wilds of Del Norte County. I had cramps, I was bloated, I was headachey and quite frankly, barely in the mood to even sit in the freaking car. The less I moved around, the better.
He nodded and claimed to understand and swore on his own death bed that he would not suggest anything that involved physical activity.
As we got into the car, Dan's dad asked, "So what are our plans for today?"
Dan replied, "Well, Dani's on her period and is bloated and crampy, so she doesn't want to do anything that involves walking. How about we just take a drive?"
Dead silence filled the car.
Dan, not to be deterred, continued, "Now ask me how my wedding night went! Haw haw haww!"
And finally, I just want to share this with you, not because it has anything to do with this blog, but because I came across it while googling for other things and I think it's hifreakingLARIOUS:
I know... it's all kinds of wrong, isn't it?
Peace out, home skillets... have a fabulous day!! And share with me your awkward moments with parents or as parents or in lieu of parents...
Oh my gawd, I never would have guessed what that last pic was! Eck!
ReplyDeleteSo, I used to work at a restaurant that Ron Jeremy frequented. He was nice enough, but totally disgusting - his regular order was not one but TWO, double meat and bacon cheeseburgers. That is a whole heck of burger and bacon. Anyhoo, you would be amazed at how many men and women asked for his autograph. Of all ages.
Ron Jeremy always looks so greasy and slimy to me... I don't care how big his thingy is. I think men idolize him because he's this disgusting looking guy with a huge peener that gets to nail any girl he wants. The only women who idolize him are those trying to break into the porn industry.
DeleteIMO, of course.
When the Ron Jeremy picture came up on my blogger I died. Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteAs an avid ex-drinker I immediately focused on a 2.0 bac, which would kill you. My last DUI I was a .26, and they were surprised I could talk. :)
I would have run upstairs if any of those movies were put in while my folks were home. Fast Time is one of my all time favorites, and now I'm going to be singing "Somebody's Baby" all day. You're welcome cubie neighbors!
I live in an old house where I'm certain if the neighbors are in their backyard (which they often are 'cause they smoke a lot of weed out there) they can hear me have sex. Sorry neighbors.
I know, I know... exaggeration is how I roll. It was my little way or sharing with the class that I made horrible choices at the ripe old age of 19 and alllllll of them included alcohol.
DeleteNot that I make better choices at 49, but sadly, FEW of them involve alcohol.
Love the baby hand. My father/daughter/baby brother date consisted of him taking us to see Top Gun when I was 15 and my brother was 2. During the "take my breath away" love scene I was mortified and trying to slide further into my seat if possible. The only thing that broke the tension was my baby brother farting so loudly that the entire theater was laughing during the sex scene. I sadly was not, I was praying for spontaneous combustion.
ReplyDeleteSpontaneous combustion never occurs when we freaking need it to, does it. Bastard.
DeleteYour story is awesome. There is literally nothing more mortifying than a sex scene when mom and dad are present, no matter how old you are.
I'm pretty sure that even now, I would die a little inside if I watched a movie with sex and or nudity in the presence of my mother.
I can remember one night where my parents were all "Yay, come to the movies with us, we'll buy your ticket and everything!!!". The movie? Brokeback Mountain. I don't think there's much that's more awkward than sitting between your parents while Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger make out.
ReplyDeleteAnd a couple of weeks ago, I busted my mum watching a documentary about photographing naked people in Las Vegas (I think it was called "Stripped"??), and she was laughing over how small some of the penises were. Yeah, that wasn't at all awkward...
I didn't know who Ron Jeremy is, so I googled him. Yuck. Nasty.
ReplyDeleteI showed very good judgment when I was about 17, refusing to let my mother accompany me to see Tom Jones. I mean the Albert Finney movie, not the singer. But then my wisdom deserted me for some reason and I took her along to see A Clockwork Orange. And no one answered my prayer to vanish into thin air after the opening scenes.
My parents never really tried to censor anything I read or watched, but when it came time to watching things with the rest of us, I think they avoided anything higher than a PG rating for just such a reason.
ReplyDeleteThen again, I also joined my family for Thanksgiving a few years ago and thanked my parents for all the spankings in childhood because of the fun bedroom proclivities it leads to in adulthood. My dad and brother laughed so hard their heads almost exploded and my mom punched my brother so hard for laughing that he fell out of his chair and almost took the turkey with him.
I guess my point here is that my family does not really provide the best how-to guide.
Do you think I'm too old to have your parents adopt me? I sooo want to be a part of THAT family.
DeleteI have completely repressed all memories of awkward and horrendous movie watching with my parents. I'm sure they will eventually surface in future therapy sessions, though.
ReplyDeleteI do remember going on a first date with a boy, when I was about 16, to the movie Fatal Attraction. We had not even kissed yet. And were both still virgins. Yeah, that was pretty awkward.
You said tumescence... hahaha
ReplyDeleteAlso, you're parents seem to lean towards um, things of the S&M variety. Are they reading 50 Shades?
My brother, who is 18 months younger than me, loved watching Rocky Horror Picture Show ... since he was like 8 years old. Me, him, my mom sitting around watching it one day and I excused myself. I was a self-censoring child who did not need to see that until I was 19 thank-you-very-much.
ReplyDeleteThe tattoo at the end cracked me up! Dani, I love reading your blog, even though I rarely comment...thank you for making me smile. :)
ReplyDeleteThe tattoo is hilarious in a very sad kind of way...
ReplyDeleteMy most recent moment with my father was when he used the word "taint" appropriately in a sentence. He is 71 years old. I am typically hard to rattle, but that worked!
Oh no! Just had to say that again! Our movie moment came when my step-mother's brother (who had seen step-brothers already) recommended we all watch it...then he mysteriously left early (which he NEVER does) about five minutes before all of the glorious full frontal guy nudity...step mother, dad, husband and me left on the couch. How, HOW did he conveniently forget that part before opening his suggestion mouth!?
ReplyDelete