Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

30 May 2012

Passive Aggressive Facebooking: The Jesus Files


This is proof that he helped me with this blog.

(In case you missed it, you can check out Part One here.)

(Also?  The subtitle of this post is "The One Where I Lose Half My Friends On Facebook And Am Disowned By My Family.")

Last night, my blog hits reached the magical number of 66,666.  

(When it read 66,665 I was merely the Neighbor Of The Beast.  Now I officially am partying with The Beast.)

One of these days I'll fill you all in on my plans to turn Hell into a martini bar when I get there, but right now, I'm focused on talking about Jesus and his tendency towards sanctimonious Facebook Status Updates.

Before I begin, let me just say that I have respect for all religions.  (Even the made-up ones where people paint a chair blue and worship it.  Whatever floats your boat, dude... it doesn't change MY life one bit.)  I'm a big-ass believer in the First Amendment (which I'm going to post here because I'm a smarty-pants and also because with all the hoopla surrounding Gay Marriage, I think some people, none of whom read my blog, I'm sure, but just in case they accidentally stumble upon it, may need a refresher course in American History):

The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is also the first section of the Bill of Rights. It is arguably the most important part of the U.S. Constitution, as it guarantees freedoms of religion, speech, writing and publishing, peaceful assembly, and the freedom to raise grievances with the Government. In addition, it requires that a wall of separation be maintained between church and state. It reads:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."


Dear Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh,

You're wrong.



Okay, now back to Jesus and his Facebooking.

I was a little startled to discover that Jesus actually has the wherewithall to post Facebook status updates, what with the stigmata and everything.  (I imagine trying to work a keyboard with holes in your palms can't possibly be easy.  Not that Jesus is known for taking the easy way out, but still.  I dunno... maybe he has a secretary.)

You, too, can be a friend of Jesus!

(Um... you can also like MY damn Facebook page, too... I mean, I know I'm not Jesus but I have a real gift for turning plain soda into a rum and coke.  That counts, right? So LIKE me, dammit! LIKE ME!)


Lord, I keep getting so distracted.  Maybe it was the 14 cups of coffee I've had so far today?  Naaaah, couldn't be that.  I think it must be my adult onset ADD.

I have a whoooole lotta friends on my Facebook who feel obligated to post Motivational Quotes sharing how Jesus feels.

I have friends who write letters to God as their status updates (which makes sense, now that I know he has his own page), who post the daily God Wants You To Know quote of the day, who (for some reason I've yet to figure out) post randomly, "GOD IS GOOD!!  HALLELUJAH!"  (I'd actually be more inclined to NOT unfriend them if just once in a damn while they'd post, "GOD GOT DRUNK LAST NIGHT AND PASSED OUT IN MY YARD!  HALLELUJAH!!)

(*Sidebar:  I just found out, thanks to the squiggly red line that spell check feels obligated to use to remind me that I'm an illiterate dumbass, that I've been spelling "hallelujah" incorrectly for 49 years.  Well, fuck me hard.  I'm so embarrassed, thinking of all those times I spelled it wrong and no one bothered to let me know.  Assholes.  You know who you are.)

So I'm going to Translate For Jesus a few quotes and images people have recently posted on their walls (Translating For Jesus... I should start a business):


For those opposing Gay Marriage:

Ever wonder who created Steve?

Actually, I called them.  They all agreed that he's a douche.

Translation for all of the above:

Even Jesus gets fed up and feels the need to use the Fword when people are just too stupid to get it any other way.  True story.  He told me.

AND for those who believe that re-defining the Bible is a sin punishable by Hellfire and Eternal Damnation:

(Jesus hand-picked these for me personally, just so you know... We had a good laugh together over them):

Praise Jesus and pass the Vodka...

Talk about dodging a bullet...

Come to think about it, they do talk about asses a LOT in the Bible.   I do believe Jesus's mother was riding one the day he was born.

Well, SNAP!

Yes!!!  Let's!!  

And finally, let us not forget the "Repost if you love Jesus" status updates.

Did you know that exactly 72% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

Dear God, Please show mercy on those who are even holier than Thou.  Love, Dani