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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

05 September 2012

I spy with my blind right eye...

Okay, this may shock some of you, but I'm not wildly observant.  

Let me rephrase that:  I'm selectively observant.


For example, Dan and I have been together for 11 years.  (ELEVEN YEARS.  Why yes, I DO deserve a medal.)  During those eleven years we traveled frequently to New York to visit his family and now I've lived here for over a year.  In other words, I've spent a lot of time in his parent's house.  

Recently, Dan and his parents were discussing doing some remodeling in their dining room.  They kept mentioning "reinforcing the ceiling around the chimney."

Me:  *curiously*  "What chimney?  There's no fire place."

Dan:  *patiently, because I'm stupid*  "The chimney that comes up from the furnace in the cellar."

Me:  "Where is there a chimney?"

Dan:  "The chimney in the dining room?"

Me:  "There's a chimney in the dining room?"

*cue Dan, his father, and his mother looking at me as if I just sprouted an extra head*


Like this.




(Sorry.  That probably was offensive to somebody.)

Anyway.

Dan:  "Dani... look in that corner.  Right there."

Me:  *looking and suddenly noticing, for the first time ever, a giant freaking chimney going from the floor to the ceiling in the dining room*



Basically, if an elephant showed up in the living room, I'd be all, "What elephant?"


Dan would be all, "The one next to the chimney!" And I'd be all, "What chimney?"




Before we moved out of our apartment, Dan and I were driving to dinner one night when we passed a huge funeral home at the end of our street.

Me:  "Wow, that went up quick!"


(Insert perfect "that's what SHE said" moment.  I'll wait.)


Dan:  "What went up quick?"

Me:  "That funeral home!  When did they start building it?"

Dan:

Me:

Dan:  "What are you talking about?"


(Have you noticed he says that to me a lot?  Like, A LOT?)


Me:  *assuming it was obvious*  "What do you mean, what am I talking about?  That big freaking funeral home right there!"

(The word "idiot!" is implied.)

Dan:  "Umm... Dani?  That's been there since we moved in."

Me:  "It has not."

Dan:  "YES, it HAS."


Flash forward to me Googling "Buck Funeral Home" when I got home.


This is what I found:


Est. 1920




I have absolutely nothing to say in my defense.


My oblivion is at an all-time high while I'm driving.  (I know, I know.)

We recently moved to a new town (village, whathefuckever).  I repeatedly drive through our town to the next town before realizing I've gone too far, then have to turn around and come back.  This wouldn't be such a big deal if our turn-off wasn't at the only four way stop light in a 15 mile radius.

I will be driving along and suddenly see the giant blue water tower with the name of the next town emblazoned on the front and I'll be all, "Well, SHIT!  How the fuck did that happen??" and I have to turn around and go back.  

Dan will say, "How do you not notice a four-way stop light after you've been driving on a freeway with no other stops for 15 miles?"

There is no answer to that question.

I'm almost positive I stop at it, when it's red... don't I?  I have to, right?

Of course I do.

(Don't I??)
 

Dan:  "What on earth are you doing while you're driving?"

Me:  *sound of crickets chirping in my head*


And then last night, we had The Bridge incident.


Dan:  "Did you notice they seem to be building an embankment down off the bridge?"

Me:  "What bridge?"

(Shut up.)

Dan:  "What do you mean, what bridge?"

Me:  *seriously having no clue what bridge we might be discussing*

Dan:  "The bridge!  The bridge on your way into town!"

Me:  "There's a bridge??  Where?"

Dan:  *this close to having a stroke*  "THE BRIDGE THAT YOU DRIVE OVER EVERY TIME YOU COME INTO TOWN!!  THE BRIDGE OVER THE INDIAN RIVER!!"

Me:

Dan:  "PEOPLE FISH OFF OF IT!  THERE'S A FREAKING BOAT LAUNCH AT THE BOTTOM!"


I refuse to post a photo of the bridge on the grounds that I will look like an ass.

Let's assume, however, that it's a very small bridge that goes across a very small river, just for argument's sake.

Also?  I noticed the bridge today when I crossed it on my way out of town.

Huh.

I wonder when they put that there?



On the other hand, I will totally notice if someone is carrying a knock-off designer bag, and I can spot a bad hair cut through tinted windows in a car speeding past me at 80 mph.  

I also had no problem spotting the giant zit emerging from the back of Dan's neck the other day when he was walking ahead of me into Red Lobster.  

And the woman sitting six tables behind us (whom I had my back to) needed her mustache waxed like no one's business.

I also can tell you the location of every liquor store I've passed between Potsdam and Watertown.

(There are 11.)

So there.