Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

06 September 2012

The truth shall set me free.

Today is the day that I am going to end the silence and tell the truth about New York Drivers.

*cue dramatic music*

Sure, we've all seen the horror that is New York taxi drivers.  We've all watched movies where they show New York City being inundated by people who have no respect for traffic signals, lane division, or pedestrians.  And that's all fine, good and well for the city, where the Code of the Jungle is eat or be eaten, kill or be killed.  You're gonna drive that cab like your ass is on fire.  And to those people I say God be with you, and also with you, because ain't no way in Hell I would do your job.  Alaskan Crab Fishermen in the Bering Sea at least have a chance, know what I'm sayin'?  Sure, the waves are big and the deck is slippery, but there's a 50-50 chance you'll come back alive.

Meanwhile, in NYC?

Not so much.

New York, however, doesn't end in the city.  Neither does the bad driving.

I live in the part of the state that is mostly inhabited by farmers, old people who've never left the county or the homestead where they were born, and the Amish.

Even the Amish drive those buggies like they're on a Mission From God.

Once or twice a week I make a round trip that takes me about an hour each way.  I'm already on edge when I leave because of the speed limit situation.  I know it's going to take me FOR FREAKING EVER to get where I'm going because I kid you not, the speed limit changes about 27 times in a 45 mile radius.  

In the first 15 minutes of my drive I've gone from 30, to 45, to 55, back to 40, then 30... 30... 30... 35... PSYCHE!  We meant 30... 30... 30... GAHHHHHH!  

Then I hit the open road and at long last, I'm cruising at 55, which is really stupid.  Who the fuck has a state speed limit of 55?  SO annoying.  Anyway, I'm going 55, listening to tunes, singing Highway To Hell at the top of my lungs, when BLAM!

40... 45... 40... 30... 55...

Kill.  Me.  Now.

(*Sidebar:  I was looking for images of bad New York drivers and got totally distracted by funny quotes about dingoes eating babies.  I have no idea how that happens.)

This one cracked me up for a full 5 minutes.


Let me introduce you to the most typical types of Upstate New York drivers.

First, and most annoying, we have The Speed Limit Elitist.

This is the person I want to kill.

This is the person I scream at for 45 miles.

This is the person who incites every type of road rage imaginable and makes me want to totally change my stance on gun control and personal ownership of assault rifles.

This is the person who never goes above or below the speed limit.

Which is fine, but they also don't think you should, either.

They refuse to use turn-outs and allow the 16 cars backed up behind them to pass.

They refuse to pull to the right in the one section of road with a passing lane that lasts about a quarter of a mile.

They refuse to believe that 55 actually means 62.  

Okay, 65.

But I'd be happy with 62.

And without fail, I am behind one of them every.single.time I make my drive.




On the off chance that I actually have enough clear road to pass them, I blow by at about 75 miles an hour, leaning on my horn the entire time.

New York drivers have turned me into an asshole.

Next on the list is the Shoulder Passer.

These are the people who don't believe that traffic laws are actually made for them.  (Which, I've found, defines about 98% of all New York Drivers.  Traffic laws are made for visitors from other states.)

If there is no passing lane, then what the hell... drive on the shoulder!  That's what it's for!  If some idiot won't get out of their way, they'll get out of the idiot's way AND PASS ON THE SHOULDER!

Need to make a left-hand turn without a turn lane?  No problem!  WE'LL JUST DRIVE AROUND YOU ON THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD WITHOUT EVEN BOTHERING TO SLOW DOWN!

And heaven forbid you are a person who understands that PASSING ON THE RIGHT is against the law, and you actually stop and wait while the person makes their left turn, WE'LL JUST DRIVE RIGHT UP YOUR ASS HONKING THE HORN!

This behavior makes me say very bad words.

Which in turn leads to incidents like this:

I was driving my nieces to the salon to get their hair cut for school.  Keep in mind both girls are mentally and physically disabled, and will repeat EVERY FUCKING THING I say and do.

Which I really, really appreciate.

Anyway, I'm trying to make a left turn into the parking lot of the salon.

There is no turn lane (because that would make sense, of course).

I'm waiting.

And waiting.

And then, some jackass IN A HUMMER... BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THE AMISH WILL HAVE AN UPRISING... careens up behind me blowing his horn, then at the last minute, swerves around me on the shoulder of the road.

I scream.

Then I say:


From the backseat:

Tori and Jessie:  *giggle giggle*

Later that same day, in the pool, I noticed that Jessie was singing a song that she had made up herself.  She has a lovely voice, and even though she doesn't speak clearly, she managed to get THESE words completely right:

Jessie:  *with perfect pitch*  "What the fuck... What the fuck... What the fuuuuck... What the fuuuuuck!"

I am also why we don't have any friends.

And finally, we have The Impatient Asshole Who Is Always In A Hurry And Criticizes Other Drivers:

I wonder who it could be...


  1. My husband's pet peeve is those who pass on the shoulder! Or the right, if you're on the freeway. The right lane is not a passing lane. If traffic is backed up in the left lane, there's usually a reason, blah, blah, blah. I listened to all of the reasons why this is unacceptable and illegal on the way to Florida this summer. And back.

    1. Your husband is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. Please have him call my husband and let him know I'M RIGHT, DAMMIT. I'M RIGHT. I'M RIGHT.

      Your husband is a FREAKING GENIUS.

  2. I hate stupid drivers. HATE. It's amazing that I haven't given myself a concussion from banging my head against the steering wheel in frustration, because yelling at them only goes so far. I've thought about making myself some large signs that can be read in a person's rear view mirror and flipped over to be read by the person behind you as well, which such phrases as "FUCKING GO FASTER, DOUCHEBAG" or "THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING AND GOING FAST, NOT DRIVING 20 MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT" and "TURN YOUR DAMN TURN SIGNAL OFF, IT'S BEEN ON FOR THE LAST 5 MILES YOU CUNTLICKER" or how about "SUCKS THAT YOUR EXPENSIVE LUXURY CAR DIDN'T COME WITH A TURN SIGNAL, ASSHAT, YOU SHOULD LOOK INTO GETTING ONE" oh and "GET OFF MY ASS OR I WILL BRAKE CHECK YOU - IF YOU WANT TO PASS ME, USE THE LEFT LANE, MOTHERFUCKER" and this gem "YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIT YOUR BRAKES EVERY TIME YOU GET WITHIN 100 FT OF THE CAR IN FRONT OF YOU, TWAT". I could go on and on.

    1. PLEASE go on and on. I need new material. Screaming, "What the fuck!!!" isn't getting me very far.


    2. I also need one that says "GET YOUR TRACTOR OFF THE FUCKING HIGHWAY, OLD MCJACKASS, I NEED TO GET TO WORK" because it's apparently perfectly acceptable to drive a John Deere tractor bigger than a fucking army tank down the middle of the highway at 20 miles an hour. Yes, this happened to me this morning.

  3. Road Rage.. Makes you afraid when you get into the car that you may, may.. have played too much Saints Row, and will start slammimg your car into everything in sight laughing like a lunatic... Maybe it's just me? I am having an insensitive day today. I just wrote a blog about people getting attacked by beavers.. which is true.. and HILARIOUS to me.. because something is obviously quite wrong with me. Maybe I shouldn't drive today at all! I can already feel the force rising up inside me, and I haven't even gotten back into the car! Northern VA people can't drive worth shit. ALL of them.

    1. Not just you. Driving here makes me want to buy a sniper rifle and climb a tower. Seriously.

      Beaver attacks, dingos eating babies... I totally get it.

      And it's effing hilarious, dammit.

      People are too sensitive. I lost a follower yesterday because of my off the shoulder remark (tee hee) about sprouting another head and posting a photo of the conjoined twins.

      Apparently I have no business being around children with disabilities.

      Who knew?

  4. As a CNY resident,I hope I am still allowed to comment on the poor drivers of this state! Oh, and I think 55 means at least 68 (I understand that some people get twitchy if the speedometer is actually hitting 70). Some days it seems like the 45 in a 55 folks are a bigger hazard than the 65 ones!

    1. I love you for validating me. Dan's whole come-back argument is based on the theory of the "California stop." Which isn't annoying at all. If anything, it's thrifty and economical because it saves time and gas.

      God, I'm such a giver.

  5. There is a stretch of road here in the great state of MD in which attracts the biggest douchebags on the road, most usually driving some huge pickup truck to replace the fact that they have a small penis. And they always want to try to run me off the road or get on my ass. I AM GOING 80, FUCKER. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. I hate driving assholes.

    But I love how Maisey is looking at you like "it's you, bitch. Right there. Judgy McJudgerson!"

    1. Maisy would never say that. She's looking at me and thinking, "Who, Mommy? Who? Who is it?"

      Truest fucking story EVER.

  6. When Miss A was 3 we were in the car when some guy cut me off in traffic. I yelled "You SCHMUCK!!". From the backseat, Miss A says "Mommy. You know what you forgot to call him??". Me (cringing): "No baby. What??" Miss A: "A JERK!!" Me: "Yep. He's a JERK". I thought I'd dodged a bullet. Then IT happened. Miss A: "Mommy. You know what else you forgot to call him??" Me: (Feeling pretty confident in my Mommy Awesome-ness) "No Baby. What else did I forget to call him??" Miss A: (With perfect emphasis & inflection) "A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!".
    I've never been as proud and ashamed as I was at that moment.
    Every swear word my kids know they learned from me, on I-12, in Baton Rouge, LA.

    1. Mother of the YEAR. Right here, right now. You. Are. Awesome.

  7. New Jersey drivers are no better. The other day, I got cut off and yelled at the guy. Then, from the back seat, my 6 year old says "Don't worry, Mommy. I gave him the finger for you."

    I bought her ice cream.



  8. You crack me up SO MUCH. That dingo picture = hilarious.

    We get the occasional drifters from Upstate down here sometimes. We get the worst of everywhere, now I think about it. I may have to steal your idea and do a post like this about the dangers of driving around in North Jersey...


  9. I have a feeling some of those New York drivers have moved to Texas . Also, i'm an admitted speed limit elitist most of the time, but I can't help it, the cops here get you for going 5 over just as much as they let you go flying by at 10 over. So you never know if there's a cop who is having a bad day nearby. Then, they raised the state speed limit to 75 here...omg don't they know that if they raise it to 75 people are going to go AT LEAST 90? I had people honking at me all the way back from South Dakota a couple of months ago because I dared to go only 85. Turds.

  10. Oh, my dear woman. I am a Speed Limit Elitist. But I do that so everyone can live! When I step outside the box... even if it's Schrodinger's, *things* happen.

    Whenever you see me on the road, thank me. Because I haven't deviated from my course and ruined your life. Yet.


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