Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

05 October 2012

Shark Week For Dummies

I'm having an Ugly day.

Basically, it's one of those days where it doesn't matter what I do to enhance my over-all appearance, I still look unattractive, unwashed, and slept in.

I've tossed my shirt in the dryer TWICE because every time I put it on, it immediately looks rumpled.

I've washed, dried, flat-ironed, re-wetted, re-dried, re-flat ironed, sprayed, gelled, waxed, flattened, and re-flat ironed my hair and I can't get rid of this weird clump sticking out of the side of my head.  

What.  The fuck.

My shirt keeps climbing up my midriff and getting stuck under my boobs, showing a becoming strip of muffin top above my pant-waist.

I have a motherfucking pimple.

I'm wearing fat pants and Uggs because really, anything else would be a complete waste of time.

Oh, and I think my right eye is drooping.  Suddenly, after 49 years of looking perfectly normal(ish), I have a wonky eye.

In other words, I'm a hot mess.  A smokin' hot ugly mess with zits and a wonky eye.

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille...

And then, because no Ugly day is complete without total public humiliation, this happened:

Life being what it is, I had to make a trip to the drug store this morning to purchase an alternate box of tampons.  I had purchased an emergency box yesterday ("emergency" because I needed them, like, right fucking then) and in my haste, I ran into the drug store, grabbed my usual brand and drove on home... only to discover that they were scented.



With Baby Fresh-ness.  And in case you were wondering, Baby Fresh-ness smells exactly like the hideous scent they put in deodorized cat litter.

Which is a tad ironic.

And smells like no baby, anywhere, except possibly one born in a brothel.

Meanwhile, my cervix suddenly smelled like a cheap whore.  

And every time I opened the box, I sneezed.

Which leads me to the moment where I had to drive the 15 freaking miles back to the drug store to buy alternate tampons.

If you're one of those people who doesn't feel slightly awkward running into the store and ONLY buying a box of tampons, then you remind me of my mother.  She did everything but balance the box on her head and then juggle it while standing in the check out line, which was nothing short of mortifying to teen-age me.  Also?  It makes me feel like I did that day my freshman year in high school when I started my period at school and no one told me.  I was wearing light blue Dittos (the jeans du jour in the late 70s, for those of you who are too young to remember the most important fashion decade, like, ever) and blissfully unaware of the life-long trauma awaiting me in the very near future, rocked a blood stain the size of a salad plate as I sashayed happily from class to class.  (I still remember my mother coldly but firmly refusing to allow me to quit school that day.  She didn't seem to think it was necessary.)

(Also?  If I went to high school with you and you're reading this and somehow remember this life altering moment, please don't say so.  It's very important to my mental health to believe that no one noticed.)

So even though I literally needed nothing else today, I still bought a package of make-up remover cloths  (I know, right?  WTF?) and a bottle of Smart Water along with my unscented tampons.  (Because I have mad ninja tampon-buying skillz, yo.  No one would suspect a thing.)

Which made what happened next even more awkward, considering I was being incognito:

Picture, if you will, a short, chubby, middle-aged woman mindlessly trotting across the parking lot rooting around in her (ridiculously enormous) purse for her keys and sunglasses.  She's not paying attention to anything or anyone and seemingly expects there to be no traffic, pot holes, random pebbles, or other people in her way.

And then, in slow-motion, she simultaneously drops the bag containing her purchases, steps on it with one foot then trips over it with the other, and then kicks the box of tampons three feet in front of her while the Smart Water and make-up removal cloths remain in the bag.

The tampons fly forward in a perfect arc, catching intermittent glints of sunlight through the cloudy skies, and land with great ceremony into a large puddle of water.

And because my life is one long adventure in pain, the 200 people wandering across the parking lot that I didn't notice before stopped to watch this all happen.

A car approaching the pharmacy drive through stopped just short of my tampons and waited for me to react.

This left me with the following dilemma:

1.  Do I casually pretend that none of this ever happened, get in my car and drive away while leaving my purchases behind littering the parking lot of Kinney Drugs?

2.  Do I laugh as if I meant to do that, pick the stuff up, high five the old guy standing three feet away from me gawking, give a thumbs-up to the driver of the car who stopped and waited for me, and leave with my head held high?

3.  Do I die right then and there?

4.  Do I go back into the store and buy yet another box of tampons, just in case anyone missed the fact that I'm on my period?

5.  Do I pick up the Smart Water and make-up cloths and leave the tampons?

Decisions, decisions...

After pondering for a few moments, I went with 6:

6.  Do not make eye-contact with anyone, as that will render you invisible.  Pick up your bag, pick up your wet and muddy box of tampons, drop your keys into the puddle at the same time, pick up keys, and walk briskly to car. Hit the lock button twice on your key fob (which causes your horn to honk) before finally hitting the unlock button. Notice, after you get in the car, that your shirt has climbed up your body and is now resting comfortably under your boobs and in your side rolls, while exposing at least 4 inches of bare skin and back fat.  Drive away and vow to start buying tampons from (they sell everything else, yes?).  Stop at stupid little village market which is only like a block from your house on the way home and pay ridiculously huge price for some weird off-brand of tampons and a Snickers bar.  Go home, eat candy bar, and pray for death.

Silver lining #1:  I didn't actually fall all the way down.

Silver lining #2:  When you google images of "Fat People of Walmart" my picture doesn't come up.

It's the little things, y'all.


  1. You are a LIAR, you are totally not 49. In all your pictures you look like you're 30.
    [What is your secret?]

    I might recommend you try the opposite tactic: purchase so many awkward items at once (tampons, laxatives, Desitin Creamy, condoms, a gallon bottle of cheap vodka, and maybe a pregnancy test thrown in for good luck) that the cashier is guaranteed to feel way more awkward than you do.

    1. You are freaking brilliant.

    2. This is great! It looks more like a gag gift basket being put together!

    3. I agree. THIS is what you should do next time. This will GUARANTY that you will never see another human while you have all of those things. It's kismet.

      Or just Amazon.

  2. Where do I begin? To tell the story of how great a love can be? A sweet love story that is older than the sea? Love your storytelling so much it hurts!
    Honey, you take your humiliation and put it into chapters. Nothing erases embarrassment like cold hard cash from a best seller.
    Ok. I CAN buy just tampons. Who gives a flying fuck if its my time of the month? Every woman on the planet gets her period! Chances are half the women reading this blog are bleeding as they read. But then maybe I'm this way because my very own mother would send me into the 7-11 to buy her tampons when I was the ripe old age of 5. I had no qualms about it cuz I had NO idea what they were used for.
    I wasn't there that fateful I didn't see it fo sho.
    Watch Amazon's stock values. They are probably climbing as they experience a serge in tampon sales. Be sure you tell them to send their thanks in either feminine hygiene products or cash.
    Look at it all this way: Pretty soon that dreaded time of the month won't come at all....

    1. I'm beginning to think I will make some sort of record for Oldest Woman Ever In The History Of The World EVER To Still Have Her Period.

      Meanwhile, I wish I'd known about your Mad Tampon Buying Skillz while I was still in CA... I would have sent you on a Costco mission once or twice a year to stock up for me.

  3. I buy those things when I don't need them...I don't know why, but it doesn't feel as bad...maybe because I am not as ugly at those times?

    1. I never think of it when I'm not ugly. It's like I forget every month until the last freaking minute and then I'm all fat and zitty and standing in line at the Walmart holding a box of tampons and something random, like cat food.

  4. Oh Jesus, that whole story deserves one long s-l-o-w c-l-a-p. Beautiful.

    1. Isn't it, though? That is so my luck to get my one and only slow clap for kicking a box of tampons into a puddle at Kinney Drugs.

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  6. May I suggest Options #7 8, should this ever happen to you again:

    7. Pick up belongings. Throw a ninja poof pellet down ( Whilst smoke spreads enveloping you from the gawkers, ninja your way back to the car. It's like it didn't even happen.

    8. Gracefully, and with your chin held high and a smile upon your face, pick up tampons. Rip the package open and yell (very jollily) "TAMPONS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!" Then throw all the tampons into the air to the much appreciative crowd. Become city hero, as it is a well known fact that people love free stuff.

    8 Subplot B. Later, receive key to the city.



  7. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep from guffawing just now. This whole sceneriois so terribly familiar. Are you sure we aren't the same person?

    This is like the humiliation of running into your English professor your freshman year of college holding nothing but a box of condoms. You try to make small talk, try not to notice that he keeps glancing down at it, and somehow, you manage to THROW IT AT HIM.

    We could be sisters.

    1. I have to hear this story. Have. To.

      YOU OWE ME.

    2. There are so many. It will be blogged eventually. I have already shared the "pants around the ankles no toilet paper shuffle to the next stall at work scenario". And the "can't walk and chew gum" issues I have... But there really are so many.

      My sister once told me that it's always shocking to see me in real life, because I am tall and appear to be graceful, and then I move. Like a real life Tonks.

  8. OMIGAWD!!! I love you!!

    That is all.

  9. I so desperately needed to get the giggles today. Thank you from the bottom of my withered black heart.

    Love you!

  10. Maybe I can help: Try attaching smaLL lead weights, like from fishing gear, to the bottom hem of your blouse, then the eXtra weight wiLL have a tendency to keep the fabric smooth. Start smaLL and add a few at a time. Glad I could help, patent pending.

  11. I am so glad I no longer have a period. I did not miss this shit.


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