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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

22 October 2012

When Being Awesome Nearly Killed Me


So three days ago, in a misguided decision to cut back on caffeine, I gave up coffee.

Because I'm stupid.

It all started when I decided to try eliminating gluten from my life to see if it would help with some health issues I've been ignoring for the past three years.  

(Something you may not know about me:  I'm a severe hypochondriac who refuses to go to the doctor because even though I know I'm dying of 57 different types of cancer and other terminal illnesses, I assume that if I don't have it confirmed by a medical professional, it will simply go away.  Everything is a tumor.  Everything.)






Being an all-or-nothing kind of girl, I de-glutened the entire house, informed Dan he was going on a gluten-free diet and his insidious Subway habit was officially over (take THAT, Jarrod) and began making polenta and gluten-free pasta like it was my freaking job.

Within 24 hours, I became a gluten-free rock star.

So did Dan, completely against his will.

After a few days, I started to feel a lot better.  

I also started to feel a little bit self-righteous.

Look how amazing I am, I thought to myself, all gluten-free and shit.






Then I had THIS thought:

You know what would be even awesomer?  To be caffeine AND gluten-free!!!  

I can be one of those self-righteous people who says, "Oh, I don't drink coffee... I'll just have a glass of hot water and a lemon to go with my mung bean soup."  And I'll carry my yoga mat everywhere just in case and say, "Namaste."  I'll wear hemp and get dreadlocks.  I'll be all peace-loving and shit.


It was such a great idea.


So I implemented it right away.

Because that's how I roll.

Saturday morning dawned bright and clear, and even though every cell in my body was screaming for coffee, I self-righteously drank a bottle of water.

Blech.


I mean, MMMMM, water... refreshing!


My determination began waning by noon, when the headache set in and I had no discernible energy what.so.ever.

I can do this.  Because I'm awesome.






Evening brought a severe migraine, tunnel vision, tinnitus, nausea, and near death.

Also?

My jaw popped 40,000 times because I couldn't stop yawning.

Take that,  nephew.

The only way I could continue being awesome was to go to bed.  Which I did.





And because Life is such an asshole, I spent the night tossing and turning and waiting for my head to explode because the migraine was that damn bad.

It's a tumah.


I dragged my sad and sorry decaffeinated ass out of bed at about 10:30 Sunday morning, which is like two hours later than what I normally consider "sleeping in."

Yeah, giving up caffeine is GREAT.  LOOK AT ALL THIS MOTHERFUCKING ENERGY.


I drank yet another  large bottle of water, with which I washed down four Advil and two Tylenol in hopes that I would either die of an overdose or my headache would go away, either of which would be fine.

Sadly, neither happened.

Sonofabitch.

This is the part where I kicked Awesome to the curb and became a bitch.


Dan:  "How are you this morning, baby?"

Me:




Dan:  "Are you feeling okay?  You look a little tired."

Me:





Dan:  "Why don't you go outside and get some fresh air?  That should make you feel better."

Me:





I was so tired yesterday that I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Napping is unheard of for me.  I hate napping.  I always feel worse when I wake up than I did before I dozed off.  I feel hungover, ooky, fuzzy headed, and stupid.  I don't comprehend "power napping" anymore than I get the concept of "cat napping."

What I DO comprehend is "powering down caffeinated beverages."

So when I fell asleep sitting up on the couch at 3:30 in the afternoon, it was not a good sign.

My own snoring woke me up, which was even worse.

And I still had a freaking headache.  And my mood was even more foul.

And since my weekend seemed to be filled with bad decisions, I decided to make an even worse decision:

We ordered pizza for dinner.

And bread sticks.


*long pause*

What?

Okay fine.

And chicken wings.






Basically, since I wasn't drinking caffeine, having a gluten-fest for dinner made perfect sense.

"We can start again tomorrow!" we chortled, as we shoved pizza and breadsticks and hot wings down our gluttonous throats.

"Since we're blowing it, we might as well blow it right!" we guffawed, as we reached for another slice of pizza.

"We've earned this!  We've been so good!!" we rationalized, as we opened containers of garlic butter dipping sauce and soaked it up with wheat products.

"Look at all the veggies on my pizza!"  I bellowed.  "This counts as being healthy, right?  Garlic helps lower cholesterol so it makes the butter cholesterol free!"


Oh, how we laughed as we got increasingly fatter!!


What?





Oh, how we regretted it an hour after we ate...






By the time we went to bed, my migraine had reached massive proportions.  My skin itched, my stomach hurt, and don't even get me started on Dan's gas.

I spent a miserable night waiting for death.

Death, per usual, stood me up.  AGAIN.

Which  meant I had to get up this morning and make better choices.

CRAP.


As I stood in the kitchen holding the bottle of Advil that had become not only my breakfast, but also my best friend, my eyes lingered lovingly on my coffee pot.

As though propelled by forces beyond my control, I felt myself being pulled towards it.  Angels sang as I took the coffee out of the cupboard and inhaled the scent of the magic life-enhancing elixer of the Gods.

And then I Tebowed as the sounds of hot coffee filled the pot.


Because Tim Tebow totally invented gratitude and giving thanks.  If you don't believe me, ask his lawyers.



Within an hour after consuming my second cup of coffee, my headache was gone.  I had gluten-free granola for breakfast and a gluten-free lunch of beans, rice, vegetables, and 40 gallons of sriracha sauce.

What I learned:

Being awesome is way overrated.

Coffee is even better than being awesome.


It is.  It's that good.



24 comments:

  1. Wait. You . . . you . . . gulp . . . you tried to give up . . . COFFEE???? Egads, woman, are you mad?

    Now, the gluten I understand. And I really hope it helps and you feel tons better. If I had to give up pasta, I would become homicidal, so that's just not good for anyone in my general vicinity, thanks. But good luck!

    Psst, careful. You'll get your ass sued for using that Tebow pic. He owns kneeling now, remember?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was delirious from lack of bread, cookies, and Good n Plentys! Because everything I love and cherish contains GLUTEN!! I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING!!!

      And yeah, now that Tebow owns kneeling, I should probably never do it again, right?

      Delete
  2. I think that this post pretty much proves that coffee is ... Like... Awesome's mom. Coffee birthed awesome out of its spectacular uterus filled with pure happiness and sunshine thus allowing us to begin out day not only to the sound and smell of angel vaginas, but also headache free.

    Welcome back to the land of the awesome...

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, what Val said about coffee. Ditto.

      Mmmm, delicious angel vaginas . . . Ahhhhh.

      Delete
    2. This comment goes so far beyond awesome that it's practically Biblical.

      I see Jesus in it.



      Delete
  3. Okay, I had a hard time getting past the pissed-off kitten with the blue clippie I was laughing so hard.

    I'm considering forcing the family onto a gluten free diet too. I think we'll feel better.

    They can take my coffee out of my cold, dead hands.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am a survivor of full caffeine withdrawal... had to give it up years ago because of the "girls". Caffeine apparently exacerbates fibrocystic breast tissue. (Damn lumpy boobs!) Worst non-migraine headache EVER, and it lasted two days. But if you can make it through the third day, you're gold!

    Oh... and if I was Jesus, I'd slap the shit outta Tebow. Just for bein' a litigious douche. But maybe that's just me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Totally not just you.

      But then again, Tebow thinks he IS Jesus, so maybe he feels justified in patenting prayer.

      I will never make it to day three of caffeine withdrawal. Because I would die. For real.

      Delete
  5. You are absolutely amazing. i have sent 2 of your posts to my Mom and she loves them too.

    Seriously Lady, you rock it!

    And the Tebow pic...hilarious! Did you ever see the video?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so sweet! Thank you!!

      I have not seen the video... must have more information! Because nothing makes me happier than laughing at douchebags.

      For real.

      xoxo

      Delete
  6. *Ahem* Voice of reason!! LOL. You can't give up Gluten and caffiene in the same week! Your body just went into a spin, and said "Holy Fucking Shitsicles What are trying to do kill me!?!" Gently little one, gently, namaste and all that shit! First the gluten, which takes awhile, I'm STILL on the caffiene.. I fucking love caffiene! It's my friend! It wakes me up, and holds my hand in it's death claw and says, MOVE BITCH! What's not to love?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love you so much right now.

      Also? I am so freaking itchy it's driving me insane.

      WTF WAS I THINKING!!!

      Delete
    2. Gurlfriend, its clear you WEREN'T thinking if you tried to give up the one true manna from heaven known as coffee.
      In fact, you should get the pot ready for tomorrow morning so you are assured of pumping hot caffeine into your belly moments after your first pee.

      Delete
    3. Benadryl. Benadryl. benadryl...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... I love me some damned benadryl. Fixes that damned gluten itch. Stupid ass gluten. I can't even use certain products or shampoos, and will itch all over, especially when I first started getting off the gluten, I itched like crazy. Even if I used the same toaster the kids did, My Mom gave me a Toaster last Christmas so I could have my own toaster. Again, stupid Gluten! I feel ya!!!!

      Delete
  7. I've tried to quit coffee a couple times, but even after I got past the debilitating headache part I just felt sad.. empty, as though I would never look upon the face of a kitten again.
    I've had to own up to the fact that I *love* coffee. It's sad to be so dependent, but it's just the truth.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Coffee is the one thing I refuse to give up. Re. Fuse.

    Coffee kicks awesome's ass, and living without it would be hell on earth. Welcome back to sanity, Dani!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am Coffee and Bread. Period. We would be like matter and anti-matter, boom. Big boom.

    ReplyDelete
  10. sometimes coffee is a necessary evil.. when I'm feeling a headache coming on I take a few advil with a can of Pepsi and it really does help. I probably need to try the gluten free diet because it might legitimately help me with my headaches (2 or 3 a week).. I know caffeine is definitely going to be a part of my diet regardless.

    and yes.. it's always a tumor, I agree.

    ReplyDelete
  11. i have tried sooo hard to find the video "Jesus visits Tim Tebow"...it is soooo funny, just the kind of Jesus i woulD want, but it is losy to the world, dammit! Will keep trying and let you know if i have any luck.
    Much Love

    ReplyDelete
  12. I justify my coffee and wine consumption with the fact that I think I saw something on the Today show about both being cancer fighters or keeping murder rates down or some shit.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Rachel....Love it!

    Pretty bad copy, however this is what i could find

    on youtube TimTebow and Jesus last season Funniset skit EVA

    Hope uou like it!

    ReplyDelete
  14. OK, the next time you go insane like that, try some dark chocolate (totally healthy, unlike that milk stuff)...my body has decided that caffeine in totally useful portions is unacceptable, so I am trying to trick myself with the chocolate. I am truly impressed by the gluten-free by the way...even moreso than if you had tossed caffeine!

    ReplyDelete

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