Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

16 January 2013

The Phantom Of The Period

*insert creepy Phantom-type noises*

So it turns out that I'm not in actual menopause, per se, but in peri-menopause.  It's Menopause:  The Prequal.  Loosely translated, this means that for the next 1 to 15 years, I will be experiencing allllllll the symptoms of PMS/PMDD with or without a period and with or without respite.  Rather than have a period 3 to 5 days with 28 days off, I'll have no period but feel like I'm having one for 28 days and if Mother Nature chooses to smile upon me, have 3 to 5 days off.

I'm so damned excited about this that I can hardly stop dancing.

Anyway, due to the fact that I am experiencing such hideous symptoms from Hell, I decided it was probably time to do some research.

I took a little test online that assured me I am, indeed, peri-menopausal and probably will be for the rest of my natural life, or at least until I turn into a man (which apparently happens to women right around the age of 55).  At that point, I will shrink in height, grow a beard and a mustache, my vagina will dry up and fall  off, and I will frighten small children, who will think I'm a witch.  Then I'll either get a bunch of cats or spend my days in my bathrobe eating frosting from a can and washing it down with vodka.

(There is just so much awesomeness in the above paragraph that I don't know which to look forward to the most.)

(Also?  I'm not a fan of cats, so...)

Then I came across something that totally explains everything I've been going through for the past week...

I'm having a Phantom Period.

A Phantom Period.

That's like having a period without actually having one.  Only more so.

It's the Ghost of Periods Past.

Who knew such a thing existed??  It's like spending your entire life not believing in aliens and then suddenly being abducted by one.  During the anal probe you'd be all, "Well color me embarrassed! So Aliens DO exist!  Who knew??"  

That's kind of how I felt reading about the Phantom Period.

I've been suddenly placed in an adult episode of Scooby Doo, where Fred, Daphne, Velma, Scooby. and Shaggy all drive around in the Mystery Machine looking for my period.  It's out there... they know they have A Mystery To Solve...  and at varying points during the show, Shaggy will point a quaking finger in the general vicinity of my uterus and quaver, "Look... IT'S THE PHANTOM!!"  And then Scooby will leap into his arms and they will quiver and shake until the rest of the gang appears.

Sooner or later a chase scene will ensue, the Phantom will pop out of doors and cupboards and race, hands out-stretched, towards the hapless Shaggy and his canine friend.

Like this.

Then they'll discover that the Phantom wasn't actually a Phantom at all, but some bad guys looking for treasure.

Or some such shit.

Only in The Case of the Phantom Period?  Scooby and The Gang will unmask it and there will be nothing there.

Except a shriveled old uterus, cramping and bitching for no apparent reason.

And then POOF!!!  A hot flash... a flaming reproductive organ... and then...



Welcome to my life.


  1. "spend my days in my bathrobe eating frosting from a can and washing it down with vodka"

    Yeah, that's pretty much my life right now. So menopause? Bring it.

  2. I'm a couple years behind you so I really appreciate knowing what to expect. I totally can't wait. The BF is gonna LOVE all of this.

    1. Oh, honey... you have no idea. Men can't get enough of menopause. They looove hearing all the gory details while you follow them around the house explaining how your boobs hurt and your uterus feels like it's going to come crashing our of your vaj at any given moment.

      Trust me on that.

  3. Jenbug beat me to it. I was gonna say that you ALREADY spend your time eating frosting with a vodka chaser, so now you just need the beard and cats.

    This does not give me hope for the future, Dani. But thanks for braving this frontier so the rest of us know what to expect. Sooooo looking forward to THIS adventure. Being a gal kinda sucks, no?

    1. In my defense, I do not eat icing from a can. I actually don't like it. (I know, WTF, right?)

      I think I'll just say "fuck it" and spend my manly years drinking vodka and collecting puppies. While I grow a beard.

  4. For some inexplicable reason, I get contractions with my womanlies every month (and have since I started getting them, at 12). This has been proven with machines and overnight hospital observations because the obgyn couldn't figure out why the hell my period *pain* never responded to even the strongest prescription pain killers and they wanted to prove that I was exaggerating. They were proven wrong.

    Basically I go into labour every month, for 2 days. I love my reproductive system.

    So yeah even though I have not arrived at perimenopause yet, I feel I can at least sympathize with the total unfairness of what our bodies do to us. <3

    1. Dude. OMG.

      Can I have your pain killers, since they don't work for you?

      Just kidding... *cough*

  5. Sounds like those meddling kids are the least of your worries!

    1. I wouldn't be sad if they found my period...

  6. I haven't gotten to the Phantom Period yet. Mine, however, has gone into Ninja Stealth Mode. It comes out of nowhere, completely at random, kicks my ass, then leaves. I think it's my official induction into the "Over 40" (I'm 41) crowd.
    So much to look forward to!! Wheeeeeee!!

  7. My best friend turns fifty in May and though I'm in my early forties she and I seem to be in competition for the menopausal torture symptoms. She seems to be in the boat with you, where it's all pain and bloat and misery but phantom period, and I seem to get the periods for both of us and several other women. This week I have gone through (seriously) four boxes of super plus tampons...I have to bring extra clothes to my office just in case...and I'll stop before giving you any more disgusting symptoms. I'm so glad that you've let me know how much delightfulness I have to look forward to. You have my complete sympathy/empathy.

  8. Best description ever! I had peri meno this summer but for some reason my period from hell came back to taunt me this December (after being gone three months). So wrong on sooo many levels!Our bodies live to taunt the shit out of us. Good luck with the phantom,love the Scooby gang. Maybe they could find whatever I went in the garage for....

  9. Wait... I'm going to shrink when I get older?!?! I could go full blown midget after all.... Fuck. Yes.



  10. Dude, what? I'm going to grow a 'stache and my vagina is going to dry up and fall off? That is not cool.

    I hope they find your period.


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