Damn you, Auto-correct!

My mother is a very intelligent, educated woman. Even though she is almost 70, she looks more like she's in her mid-50s (which may potentially become a problem in the not so distant future. The first time someone asks me if my mom is my sister, that's it. Over. Done. Dani out). Her youthful appearance, however, is a discreet cover for the fact that beneath it all, she's a ditsy old lady.

(Welcome to your future, Danielle.)

My mother recently took up texting in order to keep up with her grandchildren. My boys don't know how to make a phone call anymore... they just text. I can spend 45 minutes texting back and forth with them, and the whole time I'm thinking, "Just call me, dammit!" But apparently, that's just not "done" anymore. Calling is for the unhip, the 7 people in the world without an iPhone, and the elderly. Don't get me wrong, I like texting... it's convenient, no one is being interrupted, and ya know, sometimes I just don't want to talk to anybody. In fact, most days? I text my ass off. But kids these days (bite me) spend so much time texting that they never get around to the actual conversation.

Which brings me back to my mother.

She took up texting, like I said, because otherwise, she probably never would have heard from her grandchildren again. HUGE kudos to my normally anti-modern-technology mother for going there, right? Yay mom! However, when she got her phone upgrade and it added auto correct, it became really, really interesting. She doesn't seem to be aware that her phone is changing her text so everything comes shipped out as is. Which makes deciphering her messages exciting and occasionally challenging.

I started noticing it because all of her messages ended with "xbox" .

Two examples:

"Hi honest! It's early in the morning and your dad is still asleep. Will call soon. Xbox"

(Hi honey! It's early in the morning and your dad is still asleep. Will call soon. Xox)

"Had companionship all weekend. Your dad is exhumed. Glad to sleep in tomato. Xbox"

(This message was a trifle concerning because my dad is currently terminally ill and does not have much time left. Reading that he was "exhumed" and sleeping in a tomato did cause me to raise an eyebrow. I finally translated it as, "Had company all weekend. Your dad is exhausted. Glad to sleep in tomorrow. Xox")

Unfortunately, my mother has no sense of humor about this and doesn't get why "xbox" is funny. When I tried to explain, she got snooty and offended and would only send me one word text messages for a while.

She seems to be over it because after several weeks of silence I got this message from her today:

"Good morning! Automatic has finally arrived! Love the color weather. Are the leaves channeling over there yet? It must be beautiful! Your dad is getting weirder but is still trying to stay up for a few hours each day. Love you. Xbox."

My return text:

"What do you mean, my dad is getting weirder? Is his mind going?"

Her text back:

"What do you mean he's getting weirder?"

Me:

"That's what you said."

Her:

"Oh no I did not."

Me:

"Oh yes, yes you did."

Her:

"I said he's getting weaker."

Me:

"No you didn't. You said he's getting weirder."

Her:

"This is why I don't text you. Love, Mother."

(Translated: "This is why you don't have any friends. Love, Mother.")