Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

25 October 2011

Further Conversations With Dan, Where Once Again, I'm An Asshole

What follows is an example of why my first husband may or may not have left me and why Dan is in no danger of losing me to anyone else:

Last night, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, we had the following conversation:

Me:  *randomly, with absolutely no inkling of what was to come*  "Hey, Dan?  Could you get me a bottle of water out of the frigerator?"

Dan:  "You mean the RE-frigerator?"

Me:  "Frigerator.  Refrigerator.  Fridge.  Whatever.  Could you get me a bottle of water out of it, please?"

Dan:  *because he honestly can't help himself*  "'Frigerator' isn't a word."

Me:  *immediately giving in to my innate need for fuckery*  "Sure it is.  It means to frigerate."

Dan:  "RE-frigerate."

Me:  "'RE-frigerate' means it's frigerating more than once. Ergo, 'frigerate' is a word.  Because it can't do it more than once if it isn't happening in the first place."

Dan:  *over-reacting, per usual, because that's how he rolls*  "Dani, you sound IGNORANT when you say that.  You sound like you really believe that."

Me:  "That's because it's true.  You can't RE-lapse if you hadn't already lapsed.  You can't RE-do something if you didn't do it at least once.  You can't RE-frigerate something that hasn't already been frigerated."

Dan:  *eyes bulging out of his head*  "Please tell me you're kidding."

Me:  *because I'm an asshole, he's an automotive electrician, and I  love nothing more than fucking with him over a subject he knows way more about than I do*  "Of course I'm not kidding.  How can you be a freaking electrician and not know that 'frigerate' is a word?  Did you sleep through that semester?  Seriously, Dan... pull your head out of your ass."



Dan:  *tossing aside his parachute as he prepared to jump out of the airplane* "'REfrigerate'.  Don't be stupid, Dani."

Me:  "I'M being stupid?  Hello, pot?  This is kettle.  IT'S IN THE FRIGERATOR.  I'm so embarrassed for you, Dan."

Dan:  *getting hot under the collar and working himself towards a massive stroke*  "Dani!  Really?  REALLY?  IT'S 'REFRIGERATOR.'  How can you sit there and tell me that you think 'frigerate' is a word?  Oh my God!  Seriously?"

Me:  *having more fun than a fat kid in a candy shop* "Dan... think about it.   "RE" means to do again.  It can't RE-frigerate if it isn't already frigerating.  How can you not know that?"

Dan:  *launching into a hi-tech lecture using fancy words explaining everything I ever needed to know about refrigerators but honestly didn't give a shit about*

Me:  *totally not listening because I was plotting my next move*

Dan:  *finishing... finally*

Me:  "Dude... whatever.  If something is in the refrigerator, it's FRIGERATING.  I'm trying to teach you something here."

Dan:  *having a hissy fit and giving up on me*  "Fine."

Dan:  *leaving the room*

Me:  *waiting a few minutes then following him out, only to totally bust him looking up "frigerate" in the dictionary*

Me:  *laughing like a demented hyena*

Dan:  "You're an asshole."

male refrigerator blindness claims another victim

Later last night, as we were cuddling in bed:

Dan:  *nuzzling my neck and kissing me sweetly on the ear*  "I love you so much I would give up my entire Fantasy Football career to make you happy."

Me:  *long, long, LONG pause*

Dan:  *sighing blissfully, totally lost in the moment*

Me:  *snicker*

Me:  *guffaw*

Me:  *practically peeing myself as I convulsed with laughter*

Dan:  *honest to God completely caught off-guard*  "What's so funny?"

Me:  *dying*  "I love you so much I would give up my entire Facebook career for you!"


Me:  *tears*  "I love you so much I would give up SOCKS for you!"

Dan:  *turning red*  "I guess that didn't come out like I expected it to..."

Me:  *laughing so hard I thought my head would explode*  "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WOULD GIVE UP EYE SHADOW FOR YOU!  HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"

Me:  *because I seriously don't know when to quit*  "I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH I WOULD GIVE UP RECYCLED COFFEE FILTERS FOR YOU!"

Me:  *wheezing and almost dying because I honestly couldn't breathe*  "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WOULD GIVE UP GOOD TOILET PAPER FOR YOU!"

Dan:  *giving up and leaving the room* 

Me:  *laughing myself into a pants wetting asthma attack completely by myself in the bedroom*

Me:  *composing myself well enough to get up and follow him into the living room*

Dan:  *looking wounded, butt-hurt, and seriously embarrassed*  "Are you done?"

Me:  *because I totally wasn't*  "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WOULD GIVE UP READING FOR YOU!"

Dan:  "You're an asshole."

honey, this asks for your occupation... shall I just write "ball-buster"?


  1. That's like when people say "reiterate". Iterate means to repeat so wouldn't reiterate simply mean repeat again? I hate that shit.

  2. Embrace the inner asshole. It's good for your sanity.

    I'll chime in with my favorite redundancy: Irregardless. Let's break this down into root words, shall we? Regard: held in esteem; noted. -less:without. Ir-:without. So...without without note or esteem?

    Next thing you're going to tell me is that "stupider" is a word. What? You already think it is? Your inanity is palpable. No, seriously, I'm palpating it right now. Oh, that's your neck? My mistake.

  3. Please palpitate my neck. Or even repalpitate it, since it's been palpitated before. I can't reiterate that enough. Irregardless, the English language is bullshit. BULLSHIT, I tell you. But at least it gives me ample opportunity to fuck with my husband. And refuck with him... again and again and again.

    God bless fuckery and refuckery, yo.

  4. Wow, you are an asshole! But an absolutely hystercial asshole that makes me giggle while reading about your silly antics with your hubby.

    I would give up Fantasy Football for you is possibly the most romantic thing I have ever heard a man say to a woman. How did you not jump his bones at that very moment. Sigh, that is all any girl could ask for!

  5. Oh Dani, I went and looked this up for you when I started reading this post:
    Which Dan must already know since you caught him looking it up too.

    But then , you moved on to being a total meanie. And I'm just as bad because I laughed so hard tears came out of my eyes. BWAHAHAHA!

    Bless his heart, he's a romantic.

  6. I know, right? Be still my heart...

    The first time he ever told me he loved me he said, "Don't quote me on this, but I think I love you."

    I won't even go in to his proposal.

  7. I laughed my ass of at this post, and didn't feel sorry for Dan one teeny tiny bit. And then I read the "Don't quote me on this...." and laughed even harder. He deserves your fuckery, honey. You might even have to throw him to the geese once in a while.

  8. I'm an asshole like that too! We need to start a club!


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