Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

27 December 2011

Meanwhile, at the Big M...

*Author's note:  The Big M is a super market chain (maybe?  I dunno... it could be just one market) in northern New York.  (I should probably Google and see if it actually IS a chain or if I'm just making shit up in my head.  Hmmm.  Knowledge is power... but ignorance is bliss.  Ponder, ponder...)  The Big M is my parallel universe, where undeniably stupid and embarrassing things happen to me every time I cross through the magic doors into the abyss of over-priced convenience and random pickled pig parts. 

*Update:  I googled.  It's a chain.  Now we all know.

At the ass-crack of dawn this morning, while most northern New Yorkers were pissing and moaning about the snow, I was marveling at the Winter Wonderland as I drove back home after dropping Dan off at work.  So white!  So pretty!  So crisp and clean!  It's like living inside a Peppermint Pattie!  

NOT the first ever lesbian cartoon character Peppermint Patty, because that would be wrong.  And not cool and crisp.


Ahhhh yes... here we go.  

(Random fact:  Did you know that Mt. Marcy is the highest point in New York state?  Me neither.  But when Dan told me, I kept having a visual of Mt. Rushmore, only with the Peanut's Gang carved into it.  I found this to be freaking hilarious as we drove through the Adirondacks.  Dan didn't get it or find me amusing.  Asshole.  I had to explain who Marcy was and why it was funny.  I hate that.  P.S.  Dear New York, Mt. Marcy is more of a slight hill than a mountain, fyi. Love, Dani.)

Marcy.  Now picture her head carved in stone on Mt. Rushmore.  Funny, right?  No?  Just me then?

(Remember the time I totally lost my train of thought?)

Anyway, as I was driving home admiring the twinkling loveliness that is snow I remembered that I needed to pick up ingredients at the store for dinner tonight.  Rather than make another trip out I decided to stop on my way home at...

*cue shark music from Jaws*

The Big M.

I know... I know!!!  When will I ever learn!!!

I did my quick toodle around the store tossing a few things into the eensy-teensy mini shopping cart that The Big M deems appropriate and reasonable while listening to the locals bitch and complain about the weather.  

Oh, this goddamn snow! they all said. Well, I guess winter is here now!  Six more months of this!  Blah blah blah piss and moan!!

Idiots, I thought to myself.  You have NO idea how glorious this is.  

Feeling smug and superior to them, I paid for my groceries and skee-daddled back out to my car.  As I opened the car door I simultaneously lost control of my left foot on a slippery patch of ice, slid into a deep split and dropped both of my bags, watching my purchases scatter all over the disgustingly snowy, salty parking lot as I literally landed face-first on the front seat of my car.

Son. Of. A. BITCH.

You know what hurts?

Icy shards of snow that have been covered with rock salt scraping the skin off of your bare palms.  

It hurts like a red hot Mother.

You know what else hurts?

Your pride, when one of your feet flies behind you and perfect strangers stand idly by, watching you lose all of your dignity and your groceries as you land like an uncoordinated sack of cement on the pavement, right before their very eyes.

And as you scramble back to your feet and skid all over the parking lot collecting all the shit that fell out of your purse (because you're too stupid to zip it up after you take out your keys) and chase down two rogue jars of spaghetti sauce, not one of them stops staring... or makes a move to offer assistance.

All I can hope for is that I'm invisible and they didn't actually see me.  

Yeahhhh... I think I'll go with that.

Yes.  Yes, they do.


  1. So ... So ... Sorry ... been there ... done that ... it's never pretty or graceful!!!

  2. That would never happen at National Market...

  3. Hope you have no bruises on you or your groceries.

  4. What sort of assholes stand around staring when someone needs help?? Jesus, I hate people lol...

    At least when someone falls in front of me, I have the decency to turn away and pretend I didn't see it HAHAHAHAHA.

  5. Hahahhaha, as someone who has had some spectacular falls in the past, I feel your pain. But, I'm also a laugher. Not much help in that situation.

  6. Fell flat on my face in front of Gordman's dept store last year. Broke my hand, still have scars on both knees. My daughter who was with me at the time kept walking for a few feet, realized I was no longer beside her and stopped. Seeing her beloved Mom face planted on the sidewalk she says "Mom what the hell are you doing?" Ain't life effin' grand??

  7. Did you have any cans? If you had cans, that would have been the best time to chuck them at the spectators, screeching like a crazy cat lady.

    Okay, so, true story - at my high school graduation ceremony, I had to sing with our choir. On my walk from my seat to the risers, I caught my heel in a small gap between risers and fell ass over tea kettle in front of the whole class of '99, parents, friends, students, etc. When my choir director asked if I was okay, I told him that unlike most of the audience, I was at least going out with a bang that didn't end in herpes. Most of auditorium may or may not have heard me. And screw them. At least I ain't got the herp.

  8. Oh no! What the eff is wrong with people? How did no one ask if you were okay, or help you chase down the spaghetti sauce? Damn New Yawkas.

  9. MY ass would have been over there asking you if you were okay and if you needed help.

    Are you okay? I'm waiting to hear about your Christmas with your babies!

  10. Well, first I would have made sure you hadn't broken anything......then I would have been doubled over with laughter at the spectacularness of that fall. I would have also helped you up & helped you retrieve your wayward groceries. But, yeah. The laughing would not have stopped.


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