1. Age 6: If you hang by your knees on the swing set while your sister is cruising on the teeter-totter right next to you, there is a good possibility that she will crash into your face, knock you down, and cause you to get 10 stitches in your chin. And she won't be sorry, because she will blame you for harshing her rhythm and screwing up her good time. And she won't get in trouble, because technically, it was your fault.
2. Age 7: If you make the obnoxious girl who lives next door to you follow you around the block after you've filled your blue wagon with homemade mud pies and force her to eat them while telling everyone they're chocolate so you can sell them for a penny each, she will get sick. And you will get in trouble. And you will continue to hate her. Forever.
3. Age 7 1/2: If you cut the obnoxious girl who lives next door to you's hair because she tattled on you for throwing rocks at her over the fence, you will get in trouble. And you will continue to hate her. FOREVERRRR.
4. Age 8: If you spend a fabulous and rainy Saturday afternoon with your best friend sliding down a cascading mud slide while wearing your Sunday best, you will get in trouble. And your friend will be sent home. And your coat will be ruined. And hers will be, too. And neither of your mothers will EVER let you forget it.
5. Age 9: If your 4 year old cousin bites you and you grab his hand and bite him back so hard that you almost pop a vein in your head, you will get in trouble. He won't, but you will. And you will plot his demise for the next 40 years. (Sleep with one eye open, cousin.)
6. Age 11: If you fill your sister's tent with tree frogs while she's having a slumber party and then lie about it, you won't get in trouble. Note to self: Lying? Works.
7. Age 12: If you cut your own bangs with a pair of thread clippers because you're mad at your mom for not having it taken care of the second you want it done, and wind up cutting them crookedly and too short, by the time you're done straightening them out, they will be half an inch long, and you will look stupid. And your mom won't let you stay home from school until they grow out. Life is so unfair!
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| Like this, only self-induced and in the privacy of my own home. |
8. Age 14: If you start your period at school while wearing light blue Dittos jeans, there's a high possibility that no one will tell you, and you will spend an entire day at school and walk home with a blood stain the size of a salad plate covering your rear end completely oblivious to it's existence. And your mom will not let you change schools, quit school, or leave the country. Lesson learned: Stay home with cramps every 28 days for the rest of your life, eliminating this as an issue.
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| That's easy... the one wearing white pants. Of course. |
9. Age 15: Discover that water skis float, after ripping your bathing suit bottoms in half after catching them on the ladder hook of the speed boat you're on with your boyfriend and four male members of his church youth group. Experience for the first time how it feels to be spread eagle on your back with your legs spread and your business exposed to the world. Decide to never have a gynecological exam. Ever.
10. Age 16: If you wait long enough, you will grow boobs.
11. Age 17: If you spend an entire day tanning only the front of your body on the beach in Monterey with your friend Tina, you will wind up with 3rd degree sunburns on your face, chest, stomach, and thighs. And you will look like half an Oreo cookie in your really cute Gunny Sax prom dress with the spaghetti straps. And you won't be allowed to tan for the rest of the summer because you gave yourself such severe sun poisoning.
12. Ages 18-22: Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Oh, and pass the fucking tequila. Also? Who is that smokin' hot guy who showed up with that girl I hate? Her boyfriend? Perfect.
13. Ages 22-49: If you're going to fall down, which you will, you can guarantee there will always be someone there to witness it. Always.
14. Age 49: Every time you fall down, you will get back up.
14. Age 49: Every time you fall down, you will get back up.
(See how I made that all motivational and shit? Threw that in at the last minute? Because that's how I roll, my peeps.)
Hahahhaa. What I learned is that nothing is ever your fualt. It's all a big conspiracy.
ReplyDelete*fault. damnit.
ReplyDeleteYou are so motivational. And yes, I believe I am more motivated than ever before to lie about everything and never admit to any wrongdoing. Oh wait, I already was doing that. Nevermind then!
ReplyDeleteOh, and where are all the naked pictures? Did you use ALL of them on the internet already?
I'm saving the naked pictures for a special occasion. I think I've spoiled you all with them.
ReplyDeleteGood things come to those who wait...
Ha!I was wondering the same thing as Misty. We've grown accustomed to gross nakedness on Killer Cupcakes!
ReplyDeleteOh, and the Super Saloon pic? Do you have the phone # so I can make an appointment? I'll skip the children cutting, thanks, but I could go for some messes and a fachial. And since it's a saloon, I assume copious amounts of liquor are involved in the process.
I adore messes and cutting children. And copious amounts of liquor. You can't have one without the other, don'tcha know!
ReplyDeleteI'm saving extra special nakedness for when you least expect it.
Bwaaaaahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!
Age 11: If you're bringing up the rear when racing your sister home and she slams the door in your face as you're trying to cross the threshold, you will not crash through and leave an outline like a cartoon character. Your nose *will* bleed incessantly all over everything. Your parents will yell at you for bleeding profusely while having a hearty belly laugh at your expense.
ReplyDeleteMandi: But if you're a boy, and you and your brothers strap pillows to your fronts and pretend to be sumo wrestlers while bouncing on the bed and you knock your youngest brother a little too hard, he WILL go through the drywall and leave a perfect Brennan-shaped hole in the wall.
ReplyDeleteYour parents will not find you amusing in the least and will be as pissed off as all hell when they have to replace the wall, because it's a rental.
See? You were doing it wrong. Refer to my three boys if you want specific instructions on how to leave a cartoon type hole in wall or door.
Pft. Amateurs. Anyone can make a sibling shaped hole in drywall. It takes a special kind of stupid/destructive/malicious to make a sibling shaped hole in a 3" solid oak door.
ReplyDeleteTrue dat, mama! My boys might give you a run for your money, though.
DeleteYou know I love you better'n my luggage don't you? Smooches Chica! You are rockin this blog and I'm so proud! Totally can't wait to say I knew you when. Wait. I already do. And when you make the cover of oh, I don't know, some super fabulous blogger mag you must totally tell them you have your own photographer. Because you and I? Would have too much fun on THAT shoot!
ReplyDeleteThat would be awesome!! And I'd be SUPER flattered if you told me your luggage was like LV or something really fabulous like that. Then I'd feel REALLYYY special!! Thanks for the words of love, Miss Paula!
DeleteFaunny, I didn't even catch your 'fualt' the first time.
ReplyDelete42--learn to lie! Yesssss!
ReplyDelete