Dear Paula Deen,
I challenge you to get through one damn sentence without saying "y'all." Heck, sometimes you toss in three or four y'alls, just in case we didn't catch the first two. I get that it's supposed to be all Southern and homey and folksy and all that shit, but it's not. It's fucking annoying. I can't handle watching your show because of an almost uncontrollable urge to take your beloved butter and shove it down your throat, just so that you can't talk.
Please fix immediately.
Love,
Dani
P.S.
For a while, you almost ruined butter for me, because the way you say it skeeves me out. Thank GOD I got over it. Because that? Would have been unforgivable.
Dear Volkswagon,
We need to discuss your new barking dog commercial.
What.
Were.
You.
Thinking??
If I were in the market to buy a car and was seriously considering buying a Volkswagon, this commercial would send me straight over to freaking Toyota because it's that fucking annoying.
Every time it comes on I have to scramble to hit the mute button because it triggers a cacophony of barks, yaps, and howls within my own living room that inevitably results in this pointless and stupid conversation:
Commercial: "Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark bark bark! Bark bark bark!"
Maisy: "Roooof! Raff! GrrrrrrrrrRARF! ARF!"
Javi: "YAP! YAP!"
Me: "SHUTTUP!"
Dan: *from the other room* "What are they barking at?"
Me: "That damn Volkswagon commercial with the freaking dogs."
Dan: "What?"
Me: "The Volkswagon commercial with the barking dogs!"
Maisy: "ARFARFARFARFARF!"
Javi: "YAP! YAP!"
Dan: "WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY BARKING AT?"
Me: "THAT VOLKSWAGON COMMERCIAL WITH THE BARKING DOGS!"
Dan: "WHAT??!!"
As you can plainly see, this shit needs to end.
Fix now.
Love,
Dani
We need to discuss your new barking dog commercial.
What.
Were.
You.
Thinking??
If I were in the market to buy a car and was seriously considering buying a Volkswagon, this commercial would send me straight over to freaking Toyota because it's that fucking annoying.
Every time it comes on I have to scramble to hit the mute button because it triggers a cacophony of barks, yaps, and howls within my own living room that inevitably results in this pointless and stupid conversation:
Commercial: "Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark bark bark! Bark bark bark!"
Maisy: "Roooof! Raff! GrrrrrrrrrRARF! ARF!"
Javi: "YAP! YAP!"
Me: "SHUTTUP!"
Dan: *from the other room* "What are they barking at?"
Me: "That damn Volkswagon commercial with the freaking dogs."
Dan: "What?"
Me: "The Volkswagon commercial with the barking dogs!"
Maisy: "ARFARFARFARFARF!"
Javi: "YAP! YAP!"
Dan: "WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY BARKING AT?"
Me: "THAT VOLKSWAGON COMMERCIAL WITH THE BARKING DOGS!"
Dan: "WHAT??!!"
As you can plainly see, this shit needs to end.
Fix now.
Love,
Dani
Dear People Who Think OR-range Is Pronounced AH-range,
It's not.
Love,
Dani
 |
| O-range. OR. Ange. ORANGE, DAMMIT! |
Dear People Who Put "At" At The End Of A Sentence,
Just stop.
Don't ask me, "where I'm located AT."
Don't say, "Where's it AT?"
Just... don't.
Love,
Dani
 |
| It's for your own good. |
And finally...
Dear Men Who Wear Bike Shorts,
You might want to rethink that choice.
Love,
Dani
how about those sad puppy sarah maclaughlan commercials? NO THANK YOU. I DON'T NEED TO CRY AGAIN TODAY.
ReplyDeleteGah! Those are THE WORST. I can't handle it. Also, the commercials for St. Judes with all those precious kids with cancer. Breaks my heart into a million little pieces.
DeleteI called Ken last weekend to come out to the car and help me carry groceries inside. I pulled into the driveway a few minutes later and he came bounding down the walk in a pair of knit pajama pants that left nothing up to the imagination. It was like those bicycle shorts, only free swinging. Every bounce, every jiggle... it was like jello in testicle form. I laughed so hard I suffered brain damage from lack of oxygen. And *he* looked at *me* like I was the one with a problem.
ReplyDeleteThe visual is astounding. Thanks for that! :)
DeleteI can never get that image out of my head. Dan has a similar outfit with similar results. It reminds me of one of those little wooden paddles with the bouncy ball attached to it with an elastic string. Boinga-boinnnnga-boinnnnnga...
DeleteSuch an attractive look. I wish he'd go out in public like that.
I too, use the MUTE button.
ReplyDeleteThe mute button is my BFF. I never know what movies are about because the second commercials begin I'm pounding the crap out of the mute button.
DeleteOh, that pic at the end...priceless.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I just said y'all in a post, and maybe hell, so don't hate me.
I actually write "y'all" all the time... but I never say it, because when it comes out all California-y, it makes me sound like a tool.
DeleteBut the impulse to write it is almost impossible to fight.
Y'all.
I used to love butter...I am now emotionally wrecked that the thought of Paula Dean's hooha tastes like butter. Yum butter, the other white meat.
ReplyDeleteMmmmm.... butter...
DeleteFabio made me hate margarine... I refuse to give that kind of power to Paula Deen over butter.
Butter is the nectar of the GODDESSES.
Eh-hem....I say Y'all. Not in every sentence, only the ones that I am directing at a group of peeps....Don't hate me 'cuz I'm southern, I can give you plenty of legit reasons...
ReplyDeleteI don't hate Southerners, or Southern-speak... I HATE PAULA DEEN! I have soooo many friends from the deep and dirty south that I love with all of my heart and not ONE of them abuses Y'all like Paula Deen.
DeleteI would never lump all Southerners or Northerners or Westerners or Californianers into a single catagory... we all have our special and amazing traits that are unique to our state and our region. Don't ever change, buttercup!
I'm sure you will not be surprised to learn that Paula has type II diabetes. All that damn Buttttahhh!
ReplyDeleteWas that not the shocker of the year? *big ass mother fucking eyeroll*
DeleteWhat shocked me actually was that she "kept it a secret" for three years. For the love of God, WHY?
How incredibly freaking STUPID.
I recently had a man bike legging incident that left me scarred for life. I'm from the South but rarely use y'all. My Mom, the English major, beat (not literally) my ending a sentence with "At" out of me while I was still very young. I am now torturing it out of my own children's vocabulary.
ReplyDeleteI might be SLIGHTLY intoxicated, but I literally fell on the floor laughing at this.
ReplyDeleteyou, my friend, are fucking hilarious and I absolutely, positively LOVE YOU.