Dan.
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| Back off, girls. He's MINE. |
You know how some couples love to cuddle up together in bed at night, falling asleep wrapped in each other's arms? Their hearts beat in perfect harmony as they inhale and exhale in unison, sharing dreams of puppies and kittens and moonlit walks on the beach while visions of sugarplums dance in their heads.
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| What the fuck ever. |
Dan and I are SO not that couple.
Well, actually DAN kind of is.
Okay, *I* am so not that couple.
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| We're THIS couple. |
I love my husband. I do. He has many wonderful qualities that I fail to mention because, let's face it: His negative qualities are much more interesting (and there are so many more of them to choose from) than his positive qualities. Plus, I'm kind of an asshole. (There is that.) But he really is, for the most part, a pretty good guy. He works hard, he loves me, he loves my kids, he loves our pets, he's good to his mama and papa, he puts gas in my car and opens jars and he's tall, so he can reach the high places that I don't feel like climbing up to. He carries everything that ever needs to be carried that is heavier than my purse and on more than one occasion has toted my fluffy black Pomeranian through airports, football fields, tourist attractions, into restaurants, and through stores in a pink and brown Juicy Couture pet carrier.
Fluffy little dog.
Pink pet carrier.
Yes, he carried that.
And he did it without complaining.
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| Real men carry Juicy. |
Yes, it was THAT pet carrier. Exactly. Only filled with a tiny fluffy little purse dog.
Willingly.
Because I didn't feel like carrying it.
Because it was heavier than my purse.
Yes, I AM that kind of spoiled. What's your point?
Okay, so blah blah blah, Dan is wonderful. Moving right along...
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| He's also pretty sexy, no? |
And then he falls asleep.
And then?
I want him dead.
Not DEAD dead, just not able to breathe. For at least 8 hours.
Dan looooves to cuddle up next to me in bed, wrapping his big ol' arms around me, pressing his face against my neck and mumbling sweet nothings for the 2.2 seconds that it takes him to fall asleep. It's like:
Dan: *practically purring as his head lands gently on the pillow* "MMmm... night baby... I luh..." *HONK SNOOOOOOOOOORE!! HONK SNOOOOOOOOORE!!!*
Me: *elbowing the shit out of his rib cage* "MOVE OVER! YOU'RE SNORING!!"
Dan: *purrrrrrrrrr* *HONKKKK SNOOOOOOOOOOORE!!! HONK SNOOOOOOOOORE!!!*
Me:
And that's my night.
The man SNORES. And DROOLS. And FARTS. And HOGS THE BED. And CLAWS ME WITH HIS DISGUSTING, RAGGED TOE NAILS. And STEALS THE COVERS. And BREATHES, GODDAMMIT!! HE WON'T STOP BREATHING!!!
And it all JUST PISSES ME OFF.
He lies in bed, smiling and dreaming and making little happy noises in between gurgles, farts, gasps, grunts, and snores while rivers of drool pour out of the corner of his mouth...
Don't EVEN get me started on the drooling.
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| Actually, it IS the snoring. AND the drool. |
Meanwhile, I'm lying next to him, clinging to the edge of the mattress like it's a freaking lifeboat and I've just been shoved off of the Titanic, trying to get comfortable in the 6 square inches of bed that he's left for me, plotting his demise.
Muu-wah. Ha. Haaaa.
And how I can get away with it.
Plan A: Don't post your evil intentions on blogger.
Plan B: Don't post your evil intentions in a status update on Facebook.
Plan C: Smother him with a pillow and plead insanity.
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| It was the CAT! The CAT did it! |
I think I need to get a cat.
Hahahaahaha....separate bedrooms man! Sometimes I think that's good for relationships...
ReplyDeleteHoney, I think separate HOUSES would be ideal. He can live right next door to me, or even in the backyard... in his own house. And we'd live happily ever after.
DeleteHaahahahahaa....you need TWO cats. If he snores that loud, he's gonna blow one cat right off the pillow.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU for the much-needed guffaws!
Oooh... I like how you think. Two cats...
DeleteAnd no one would suspect a thing...
I think separate bedrooms for married people is a crock. I like the smothering idea, go with that....
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna have to guess that Grampa doesn't snore....? Because I'm alllll for separate residences at this point!
DeleteI's tired!!!
My hubs loves to cuddle. I DO NOT. I think those 50's couples had the right idea with the separate beds. I want that again. Or separate bedrooms would work as well. Do not touch me while I'm trying to sleep. Sleepy time is not sexy time. Don't get confused.
ReplyDeleteWord. //gavel
DeleteTWH snored. I banished him from the bed until he got a sleep study. We got a brand new king sized bed. I sprawled in the middle. He got a sleep study. He got a C-Pap machine. I let him sleep in the bed again. Now, life is good.
ReplyDeleteWe are having the sleep study discussion. He is procrastinating and I am threatening to send him off to live with his mother until he gets it done.
DeleteAnd like I told him last night: Don't even think I won't.
Yes, yes, and yes. We are still each other's alibi, right?
ReplyDeleteAside from bed and cover hogging, I also find it VERY annoying that they can fall asleep right away. Head hits pillow, lights out. How the hell do they do it?
Oh, god. My hubs is exactly like that. It pisses me off to no end! Especially on those nights that I am laying there staring at the ceiling and he comes in and just zonks out immediately. Also my favorite? When we are talking in bed and he falls asleep mid-sentence. Obviously I am scintillating. Thanks.
DeleteVV... YOU WERE WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME.
DeleteDan also falls asleep in the middle of a sentence... then will wake me up in the middle of the night (if, and ONLY if, I'm asleep) and apologize. Makes me feel so freaking special.
Sounds one hundred percent like my every night. My dearly beloved especially loves to snuggle up close and then rip a huge fart. I have actually flung myself out of bed in terror more than once!
ReplyDelete