Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

04 April 2012

Things I can't get out of my head...

Dear Target,

This damn song has been playing over and over and OVER AGAIN in my head for WEEKS now, thanks to this freaking commercial.

HOWEVER, I need to point out that even though the tune is catchy and relentless, your commercial is a major fail because I get so distracted by the song that even to this day I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS YOU'RE ADVERTISING.



I had to Google to figure out who the commercial was for.

And even after watching it and forcing myself to pay attention to something other than the freaking song, I STILLLLL don't know what you're advertising.

This just in:  American's have short attention spans.  Get to the fucking point without the damn balloons and people in brightly colored really stupid clothes prancing around.


This song is driving me crazy.

Please fix.

Yours On The Brink Of Insanity,


Wow, it felt good to get that out.

Okay, next:

My friend Bridget posted this photo on Facebook last week and if I don't comment on it, I'll die.





I am transfixed by the tramp stamp that is so beautifully showcasing the mesmerizing display of ass-crack.

I can't stop looking at it.  It's like, it's following me.

Let's break it down, shall we?

I'm a big fan of starting at the top and working my way down, so let us begin with the charming too small striped tee, that oh-so-becomingly nestles in her back fat, allowing the upward tilt of her buttocks to stand at attention as well as leaving the tramp stamp and crack un-obliterated by an unnecessary use of fabric.

Bravo, I say.  Well planned, Young Fashionista.

And that brings me to the shorts.

Ohhhh, the shorts.


I wish I could say that words fail me, but alas, that rarely happens.  I'm drawn to them, like a bee to nectar.

Or something like that.

I love how boldly they sit, resting happily below the expanse of belly overhang in the front and shoving up the bum in the back.

Then the little come-hither slits in the sides, winking and beckoning and whispering, "Hey fella..."

Daisy Duke is off in a corner somewhere, sobbing for What Might Have Been, if ONLY she'd eaten those bacon rinds, if only she'd married Boss Hogg, if only Jessica Fucking Simpson had gotten as fat as she's supposed to be...

(*Sidebar:  Jessica Simpson has TRUE FATTY written all over her, I'm tellin' ya.  She is one wedding ring, a baby, and a fried Twinkie away from being the size of a Volkswagon.  Mark my words.)

And finally...


I know, I know, I'm desecrating Holy Ground.

I apologize in before to all my lovely friends who are as addicted to Pinterest as any addict is to crack.

And part of me gets it... all those little crafty things that looks so amazing...

Give it a rest, people.

Nobody needs to eat deviled eggs that look like baby chicks.

"Saaaave meeeeee...."

Besides, who has that much fucking time on their hands?  Three hours to make two dozen deliciously edible baby chicks which will be devoured in five minutes.


Somethings are just not worth the effort.  I maintain that deviled eggs take enough time to prepare without adding caps, beaks, and eyeballs.

It's one of those preparation time - eating time ratios that don't add up.

But because it was posted on Pinterest, everybody went, "Oooh, sooo cute!!  I'm going to make those for Easter!"

No you won't.  You'll plan to, but you won't do it.

Because it simply isn't worth the effort.

Pinterest lies.


These are ugly.  Not cute, not clever... ugly.

This is not a good idea.  Really.  No matter how clever it appears at first glance, DON'T DO IT.

Just... no.  Please.  Your friends will not be amazed or impressed.  They'll just think you drink too much.

I would point and laugh at this.  Sorry.

This was actually about the nail polish but let's face it, no one is looking beyond those shoes.

Some things are meant to be left as-is.  For example, pancakes.

Okay, this I actually like.  Someone make it for me, please?

There is no way to end this post gracefully.

So I will leave you with this:

Dear Pinterest,

Sometimes a fish bowl is just a fish bowl, an air fern is just an air fern, and a lion cub figurine is just, well, a lion cub figurine.

If you put them all together, it's tacky.

Quit trying so hard.


An air fern is never okay.  Invest in a real fern.  Trust me on this.




  1. There is just so much to love in this post! But I can't comment on any of it because my EARS are fucking burning from that damn target song!

    1. You're welcome.

      The giving never stops with me.


  2. I only read pinterest to steal craft ideas. And then make them better. Because those other guys are untalented hacks.

    Also, not only have I made the deviled chicks for easter (my mom's side has a lot of little kids), but I've also made an easter bunny cake stuffed with strawberry filling and piped whipped cream cheese icing on it. Just so that it looks like it's bleeding to death when you cut into it.

    1. Dear Mandi.

      Make me the goth girl eating the canary.

      Please and thank you.



  3. I refuse to click on the Target song, for if I do I will have no way to reach it to scrape it back off of my brain. I know it will sneak up on me some time when i least expect it, but at least I am buying myself some time. However, I am starting to wonder if the image of that woman's "mass" is causing me more internal damage. I think a few hours later her shorts were just consumed by the self. Sorry this comment is rambling on, back that was a whole lot of hilarity you put in one place! I am afraid Pinterest is going to be the end of anyone having an original idea! Nothing is going to be as incredible when I see it in the fourth person' house!

    1. Pinterest reminds me of the early 90s when everyone was tole painting, making straw hats with dried flowers, and mop dolls. Everyone's house was "country cute" and filled with pictures of geese. It annoyed me.

      And now it's back.


    2. I have a mop doll (it's really dusty!) One of my kids made it for me so I can't throw it away .... I hate that!

    3. I'm embarrassed to admit that I may or may not have made mop dolls for pretty much every member of my family one year for Christmas.

      mea culpa...

  4. Hahhah i do not get the balloon one. At ALL. Seriously, how is that in any way cool?

    1. I THINK it's supposed to look like a stained glass window with a cross in the middle, which, no matter how you slice it, is stupid. Balloons do not = stained glass.

      The end.

    2. Oh see, all I could think about is sad, unused, colored condoms made into a wreath.
      But that's just me.

    3. Your condoms are much more festive than mine...

  5. My goal is to drink enough frufru umbrella drinks to make that globe thing. It's festive. And will become even more festive with every drink although about 3 drinks in I'll start forgetting so save the little umbrellas and will instead start using them as darts to launch at people. So I'll never collect enough to fashion myself a festive little keepsake. Dammit.

    1. And therein lies the tragedy...

      I, too, will never have enough little tropical drink umbrellas to build a tribute to my budding alcoholism, with which to impress my friends and family...

  6. Ya, ya, pinterest, crafty condom wreaths...

    What I want to know is, how the hell did she get those shorts on? Can you imagine all the writhing and wriggling? That is some seriously tough denim.

    1. Am I the only one who tried to imagine what it looked like from the front?

    2. I need eye bleach!

    3. I had a brief mental image of what it looked like from the front, but it was too painful to dwell on for long.

      Imagine the agony (and the relief) of peeling those shorts out of your, uh, crevices at the end of the day. Or maybe they just stay on and she is growing around them.

  7. I think you are being generous in calling what is going on there "crack." That is full on half ass happening above those shorts. And I agree with the above commenter . . . there is no way she pulled those things up onto her massive ass. She has had those things on for months and just grew around them.

    And the goth chick eating a canary is just wrong and creepy. No Dani. Just . . . no.

    1. But... but...


      It appeals to the morbid creepy little girl that lives inside of me.

      Also, we have the same hair.

      That, in and of itself, makes it a good idea.

    2. Ahahahahaha, I am normally STRONGLY against dolls because they are inherently creepy...just like clowns, but for some reason, when they're PURPOSEFULLY disturbing like that, it's so awesome...

      *adds to xmas list*

  8. As for the hottie in the shorts, you forgot to mention she's not wearing a bra.

    I may have to restrain myself from reading your posts at work. It's difficult to contain the laughter and snorting.

  9. I tried so hard to read this post faithfully as it deserved, but I had to keep scrolling up to the picture of the chick in the ass shorts. Oh God.


I'm a total comment whore... Leave me a message after the beep. *pause* *pause* *pause* BEEP!