Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

17 April 2012

You say "tumescence", I say "peener"

Or boner.  Or wood.  Or "put that damn thing away!"  

But I never say tumescence.

Because I didn't realize, until torturing myself with a LaVyrle Spencer novel last week, that it was even a word.

In case you aren't familiar, LaVyrle writes the kinds of love stories that make you want to stab yourself in the eyes.  They're always filled with tragedy, deep and meaningful moments, awkward and embarrassing sex, and characters with nipples that turn into gumdrops upon arousal.  (Don't worry, I'll get to that.) 

Personally, I'm not a fan of the romance genre.  I'm too cynical and let's face it, obnoxious and jaded to lose myself in a love story.  Plus I spend wayyyyy more time picking the story apart and mocking the characters than I do actually just turning my mind off and reading the book.

HOWEVER...  Last week, while Life was having a grand old time kicking me repeatedly in the ass, I ran out of books to read.  I am too poor to download a new one onto my Kindle, so out of desperation I grabbed the lone LaVyrle Spencer novel that is sitting in my book case (why?  WHY?  HOW DID IT GET THERE???) because it's literally the only book in the house that I haven't read.  I was determined to soldier through it and get it done.  (Because nothing...NOTHING annoys me more than an unread book.  Okay, that's a lie, plenty of other things annoy me more, but unread books do call to me.)

This won't be so bad, I told myself, as I dusted off the cover, sneezed, and prepared to be swept away by Ms. Spencer's imagination.

Imagination my ass!  Whew... that's a good one!

Ho hum, ho hum.  Boy meets girl as toddlers, boy and girl fall in love, girl gets knocked up in high school and is shipped off to a reformatory for pregnant girls, girl has baby, baby is put up for adoption, boy goes insane from missing girl and being kept apart from her, becomes town drunk and bad boy, marries and divorces girls who look like her, she marries man who tragically dies of cancer and then against all odds, they get back together at her husband's funeral and despite family strife, different lifestyles, and a town full of Judgy McJudgersons, they... *wait for it* get back together.

But... to get to that climactic conclusion, I had to wade through some of the most incredibly awkward sex scenes I've ever been subjected to (and that's including some of my own).  

And this is the part where we discuss "nipples that swell like gumdrops."

This phrase was used repeatedly.

His touch triggered such deep arousal within her that her nipples swelled like gumdrops.

She leaned forward and whispered in his ear, "Mmmm... my nipples are like gumdrops..."

This turned our hero on, because naturally, he was aware that when a woman wanted him, her nipples increased to the size of gumdrops.

Gum drops, you say?



This may be a slight case of TMI, but I can honestly say that I've never had nipples like gumdrops when my naughty bits are ready to play.

Is it me?

Should I be worried?

Maybe I should see the doctor...

(Also?  I keep scrolling up to look at the picture of the black gumdrop.  I love black gumdrops.  And black jelly beans.  And Good n Plentys... *bliss*)

Moving right along...

Eventually (immediately) the whole nipple/gum drop comparison started to annoy me.  I mean, seriously, LaVyrle.... out of alllllll the words you could possibly use to describe the nipular region on the female breasticles, the best you can come up with is gum drops???

Read and learn, LaVyrle.

But then?

She switched her focus to HIS naughty bits, and that's when the word "tumescence" came out to play.

"She pressed her hand against his tumescence..."

"She could feel his tumescence against her thigh..."

"She opened like a butterfly, receiving his tumescence like a gift..."


Dear Google,

What the fuck is "tumescence"?  Please explain.



Dear Dani,

noun \tü-ˈme-sən(t)s, tyü-\

Definition of TUMESCENCE

: the quality or state of being tumescent; especially :readiness for sexual activity marked especially by vascular congestion of the sex organs

First Known Use of TUMESCENCE




Huh.  Whaddaya know.

There actually is a pretty word to describe a boner.

Who knew?

I am famous for my tumescence... My hair is tumescent... As is my nose and my chest...

Oh, darling... your tumescence is making me want to fart...

No shit.  Tumescence.

Meanwhile, I got really irritated reading about her nipples swelling like gumdrops at the size and appearance of his tumescence.

Which was pretty much on every page.

She would giggle and let him know that she "had gumdrops" and he would "feel his tumescence pressing against the zipper of his jeans" and next thing you know, they're making beautiful, sweet, magical love together beneath the moonlight.

*cue hand to mouth fart noise*

What.  The fuck.  EVER.

In real life, the scenario would go like this:

Him:  "Oooh, baby... you're nipping!*  *flick flick*

Her:  "Knock it off!  I'm cold!  Asshole!"

Him:  *grabbing her breasts from behind and dry humping her while she tries to do the dishes*

Her:  "Get OFF of me!"

Him:  *exposing himself, because he's extremely proud of his boner, because he's a dude*  "Now look what you did!"  *wink wink nudge nudge*

Her:  "Get that thing away from me.  Jesus."

Him:  "What do you want me to do?  Cut if off?"

Her:  "Seriously?  Have at it.  The scissors are in the desk."

Him:  *looking dejected and slinking off to admire his boner on his own somewhere else in the house*

Hmmmm... I think I should try my hand at writing romance novels.  Yes?

I'm pretty sure merman would have problems maintaining tumescence, what with all the cold water...


  1. AWESOME! Hilarious-I want to use that word now, but I can't think of any appropriate context
    Cupcake you are such a funny writer! I love your description of real romance-so familiar hee hee
    great post!

    1. Thanks, Gweenbrick!

      And of course now I desperately want to see a cartoon rendition of tumescence...


  2. HAWWWHAWW...I snorted/laughed all the way through. Seriously, some of the words that they use kill me. Like moist, and turgid member. Seriously, don't put that moist turgid member anywhere near me! Smart Bitches are awesome!! So is Mandi over at, they always tell you about free books to download on kindle and/or nook. Maybe then you might *cough cough* get a better one.

    1. Eww ewwwww "turgid"!!! ACK!

      It makes me think of a bloated dead corpse about to explode.


  3. You must read more terrible novels and review them. It is hilarious, and I do miss you so...

    1. No more terrible novels! No! NO!

      Though I did find myself lingering in the Harlequin Aisle at Walmart this afternoon...


  4. You're back. Yay!

    I can't stand those books. The covers turn me off. What kind of skanks walk around with their boobs bursting out of their bodices? Ye ole whores, that's who!

    You are a braver woman than me to read that trash.

    1. Testify!!

      Girl, I was desperate. That's my only excuse. Write a book so I have something else to read, dammit! And send me an autographed advance copy!!

  5. I have to tell you a secret. I secretly raged at you for a long time because the other font you were using was so hard to read. I'm so glad I came back. You changed it! I can read it!

    I adore you!

    Also, this post is full of rad.

    1. Yay, you're back! And thank you! Get this... I changed the font because Mandi asked me to. IT WAS THAT SIMPLE.

      I had no idea people hated it that much. I thought it was funkayyyy... but then again, I already knew what my blog said so I didn't have to read it.


    2. What's funny-- is that I was telling Mandi how I thought your blog was hilar-- but that I wouldn't ever read it, because the font gave me a headache. She was like, "Why don't you tell her?" and I was like, "Um, no."


  6. "vascular congestion"... Sounds like penile bronchitis and terribly sexy of course! I am sorry/thrilled that you had to resort to reading that book!

    1. "Penile bronchitis"... omg. That literally made me snort.


  7. So did you finish the book? 'Cause I think I would have flung it across the room after the second set of gumdrops appeared.

    Yeah, Good N Plentys, drool.

    1. I finished it, because I'm a little trooper. Though I admit the gumdrops nearly did kill me.

  8. Wow, your 'sexy' kitchen scene is really familiar. When will they get that dry humping while we try to do dishes doesn't turn us into gum drops? In fact, the dry humping thing never works. Stop doing that shit, it's annoying.

    Tumescence sounds like a disease. A nasty one.

    I'm happy your back!

  9. Dude, that's hot! But no one should write about nipples in a way that encourages people to eat them. I'm going to go around all day wanting to clutch my breasts in pain.

    Love your "Cialis" sink scene.

  10. This is soo funny. I've been reading the romance genre lately. What? They were either free or 99 cents on my Kindle. I can't say no to that. And sweet baby jesus how I love cupcakes.

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  12. Reading drivel like that is about as useful and necessary as trying to shove a wet noodle up a wildcat's ass.

    But I love the post. I'm your newest follower!

  13. I hate not finishing a book either... never, EVER read "confessions of a call center girl" ... I thought it would be hilarious stories of a phone sex operator... instead it was a year in the life of the most BORING WOMAN ON THE PLANET.

    you're welcome.

  14. I still remember when I was kid, finding one in the school yard that read "He plunged into her velvety darkness" - I imagined that woman-vagina (as opposed to the pre-pubescent kind) looked and felt like Black Forest Cake until I was well into my teens.

    Now I just buy them at the salvation army so I can tear the covers off and use them as postcards.

  15. Interesting.Will have to re read.Had recurring flautence which as a side effect causes intermittent tumesense. Distracting. Gumdrops....yum. Maybe on a donut. Doh

  16. I saw A Cabin in the Woods last night. They called it a "husband bulge." I'm going to start saying that from now on.

  17. Wow... I have heard A LOT of names for a penis, from Admiral Winkie to Zamboner. But I have NEVER heard on that one.

    Also, why am I not a romance writer?? I would rock at that shit. Mostly because I KNOW that no one comes at the same time. EVER.

  18. Umm, gumpdrops?! Really? My nipples have never once turned into anything resembling a gumdrop.

    They turn into Reeses Pieces.

    Btw, I'm happy to hear I'm not the only person participating in the "Boner at the Kitchen Sink" dance.

  19. Is it weird that the realistic sex scene you described at the end literally just happened between my husband and I just seconds ago?

    Except I told him I would rip it off, so there's that.

  20. I have read more than my share of romance novels [long story short: I read a lot and they were around] and I LOVED coming across ridiculous euphemisms. Mostly because then I would think them at inappropriate times and laugh and laugh and laugh.

    That kind of explains a lot about me.

  21. While i do indeed have gumdrop nipples, i did not know it before reading this.
    No way is that a thing.
    After eleventy years of nursing babies, i think this is kind of cool and cute.
    Look! They are Gumdrops! ( 0 )( 0 )

  22. Holy shit - do you have a camera in my kitchen? That dishes crap just about describes every single interaction I have with my husband every day.


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