Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

17 May 2012

So apparently, I died.

I received this message in my inbox this morning:

RIP - Dani - 5/16/2012

The Chakra Healing Team via 
May 16 (1 day ago)
to me

Hey Dani,
We noticed that you haven’t engaged with any email from us in the last 6 months.
So what we want to know is....are you still alive? ;) 

If yes but you want us to leave you alone then...
You wont receive an email from us again.
If no then you wont be reading this email anyway, so we wont expect a reply.
 But it does make us sad.

The Chakra Healing Team

Imagine my surprise to find out, via email, that I'm deceased!

My first thought was, "Oh my God... I'm dead!!  That TOTALLY explains the past six months of my life... I'M IN HELL."

Then I was kind of offended, because really, God?  Email?  The Angel of Death was too busy to make a house call?  

It does, however, answer a lot of questions that I've had about the events of the past few months.

Let's review:

1.  There was hardly any snow this winter.  Which is kind of cliche, what with the whole "not a snowball's chance in Hell" thing.

2.  All that Rapture nonsense... It actually happened, but I didn't know because I wasn't Raptured.  Because I'm in Hell.  How dumb do I feel now?

3.  All this unseasonably hot, steamy weather that everyone is claiming has never happened before... It never happened before, because we weren't in Hell before.

4.  Nigel Barker and the Jays were fired from America's Next Top Model.  That, in and of itself, should have been my first clue.

5.  And finally, the biggest sign of all:  My Kindle died this morning.  Because you can't charge your Kindle in Hell.

I'm sure there's more, but that's enough for now.

Oh wait...

6.  Snooki is pregnant.

*cue theme from Friday the 13th*

The facts are in:

I actually feel somewhat relieved.

It's kind of like, when you think you're dying and someone finally confirms it and you're all, "See?  I told you I was sick!"  Or when you have a massive panic attack every time you're faced with getting on an airplane because you know for a fact that this giant metal object can't possibly stay airborne with your fat ass on board and then the sucker goes down and as you're plummeting to earth you turn to your husband and say, "See?  SEE?  I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!"

This is like the ultimate "I told you so!"

I told you my life sucked!!

I told you so!!

However, now that I know I'm in Hell, it's kind of awesome, because all of my friends are here with me, just like ACDC promised 30 years ago.  "My friends are gonna be there, toooo..."

Drinks are on meeeee!!

Positives about Hell:

1.  Obviously, they serve drinks here.

2.  Fat Days end with pizza and Confetti Cake Blizzards.

3.  Leggings are totally pants.

4.  I actually witnessed Hell freezing over last winter.


5.  I no longer have to worry about going to Hell, because I'm already there.

Uh oh... I just realized something:

Pat Robertson, Newt Gingrich, and Rush Limbaugh are all here with me.

I'm pretty sure this is the one that they're all in...

I mean, not that I'm SHOCKED, per se... but really?  That's kind of a buzz kill, Satan.

Dear Dani,

That's kind of the point.



Well, CRAP.


  1. When you get there, look me up. I'll be toasting marshmallows by the firepit with Casey Anthony and OJ.

  2. Well, you know my ass is there as well.

    And how kind of them to give you the update by email. At least they are letting you know. Please tell me you responded: "yes, I have died and I am writing this to you from Hell. Oh, and Satan wanted me to pass on a message . . . See You Soon."

  3. Oh sh**! My Kindle died last week. So that's why!

    PS - contact Amazon about yours. They already sent me a new one. I always knew Amazon was the right hand of the devil, what with all the zillions of things to tempt us all right on through those fiery gates.

  4. Ack! I stopped getting emails of your posts, and wonder if that is a sign that I am in hell as well. Gotta go get caught up (and figure out what I accidentally clicked!)


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