Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

31 December 2012

Fatty Confidential: 2012

Remember the time, for the past 49 years, that my New Year's Resolution was "Lose Weight"?  

Yeah... I'm not doing that this year.

At first I was all, "Screw it... I'll resolve to gain 20 lbs instead.  That way I'll either be wildly successful at keeping my New Year's Resolution or else I'll be ecstatic if I DON'T keep it.  Win win, am I right?"

(Because I'm always thinking, you guys.  Always.  Also?  I'm usually right.  Don't hate... it's not something I can control.)

Then I was all, "I knowwww!  I'll eat right and work out and focus on health instead of weight loss!!"

Fuck you, someecards.  Fuck you real hard.

But then I burst out laughing at myself because really, who am I kidding?

Eating right is actually not a problem for me because I know how to do it.  I can eat right like it's my JOB.  And I would totally do it if I were paid to.  

Working out, on the other hand?


I know it's good for me.  I know it's what grown-ups do, whether they want to or not.  It's something people do to stay healthy, look good, live forever, never die, and post regularly on Facebook.  And trust me when I say I would LOOOVE to be able to post "Dani is at Bust Your Ass Gym working out like a rock star and showing off her six-pack abs."

(In fact, maybe I'll do it anyway, just so I can hang with the cool kids.)

I'd say you were lying, dude.  I'm pretty sure that's never happened before.

Here's the thing:  I don't like getting sweaty.  I hate it when my hair gets limp and damp and I have to re-do it.  I don't like lifting heavy things.  I don't do running, unless something big and dangerous is chasing me.  (And even then I probably wouldn't run... I'd stand there and be like, "Ummm... I'm not running, so you might as well stop chasing me."  And then I'd mace the crap out of them.  BOO-YAH.)  I hate getting out of breath, hate it when my heart rate is elevated, hate being around other people who are sweating...

Point being, if I made a resolution to work out, I wouldn't do it.  You know it, I know it, the New Year's Resolution committee knows it...


I put the last two Good n Plentys in my mouth, washed them down with the last of my coffee, and then...

a light bulb went on over my dim sugar and caffeine filled head.

It was so bright it almost blinded me.

I know, I thought... I will resolve to eat like a grown up at least 80% of the time.  Or 75%, whichever works.  50% would be an improvement.  

I looked back over the month of December and cataloged most of my meal choices.

Breakfast, almost without fail, consisted of two cups of coffee and a handful of Good n Plentys.  

On the days I didn't go eat lunch with my husband, my lunch was Light Buttered Microwave Popcorn and Diet Pepsi.

On the days I DID go eat lunch with him, french fries were usually involved.


Dear Lord, don't get me started on dinner.

5 nights out of 7 I noshed on a wheel of Brie and crackers.  I'm pretty sure the only vegetables I ate appeared in the form of Spinach and Artichoke Dip.  (I have the best.recipe.EVER for that.  Actually, it's not a recipe... just something I throw together that involves a buttload of Brie, sour cream, pepperjack cheese, cream cheese, and spinach and marinated artichoke hearts.  It's to friggin' DIE FOR.  Literally, if you eat enough of it.)

In my defense, I was sick the entire month and that isn't my typical dinner menu, though breakfast and lunch have remained pretty consistent for 10 years or so.  

(Don't judge.)

(Okay, go ahead and judge.  I'd totally judge you if that was YOUR menu for 10 years.)

Maybe I'll start out slow, like Eating Like A Grown Up At Dinner Time.

Because I can totally do that.

Then I'll move on to lunch, after I totally master dinner.

I'll tackle breakfast last, because I'm fragile in the morning.  And vulnerable.  

And lazy.  

(I remember when my son Brennan was around 5, he stayed the night at a friend's house and apparently waxed eloquent over the pancakes, eggs, and bacon he was served for breakfast.  He carried on for so long about how wonderful breakfast was that the mom asked him, "So what does your mommy make for breakfast?"  Brennan thought long and hard for a minute or so and then answered, "My mommy makes coffee."  Mother Of The Year, that was me.  Winning!!)

(I'm sorry, boys, that I made coffee for breakfast and forced you to eat Pop Tarts and cold, leftover pizza.  And once I made you eat ice cream for breakfast, because I ran out of cereal and pizza and Pop Tarts, and I figured "Ice cream has milk... that's healthy."  I suck.)

I also totally lost my train of thought.

Screw you, New Year's Resolutions.

Here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to pretend that January 1st is just another day.

Which it is.

I'm going to slap myself around a little and stop eating like a 5 year old left to their own devices and eat like the intelligent, health-conscious woman that I actually am.  (Remember Macaulay Culkin in the hotel scene in Home Alone 2:  Lost In New York?  Where he's ordering ice cream and candy and pretty much nothing but crap on a stick and then winds up with a room service bill of  $967?  That's what it looks like in my head when I'm gazing longingly into the fridge and trying to come up with something to eat.)


Anyway, back to me being an intelligent, health-conscious woman...

I'm 50 years old and it's time.  Not because it's a new year, not because the date will magically change tomorrow morning from 2012 to 2013, not because at midnight tonight people all over the globe will resolve to put out their last cigarette and take their last drink and eat their last burger, but because I know I need to do it and I literally have no excuse not to.

I'm pretty sure that no one on their death bed said, "Gee... I wish I hadn't been so healthy."

(Unless, of course, I die tomorrow... in which case I'd be all, "I'm glad I had Good n Plentys for breakfast yesterday morning.")

Since I don't know when I'm going to die or from what, I guess I'd better pull my head out of my ass and stop eating like it's my last day on earth.

Dear New Year's Resolution Committee,

I'd like to apologize in advance for not making any resolutions this year.  I'll be back next year.



Happy New Year, my loves!  Stay safe, be happy.


  1. Good luck in your eating endeavors! I, too, am trying to find a happy medium between eating like a hobbit and starving myself to death. 'Tis a work in progress....

    Do you like nature at all? Walking outside counts as exercise. I hate working out as well. Not so much the sweating and gymming and everything, but I just get so BOOOOOORED. Maybe if the gym had fun classes like sword fighting (not fencing, PROPER sword fighting) or circus acrobatics it would be easier....


    1. Nature is an asshole but I'm going to attempt to get my fanny outside more. I'm super excited about snow so maybe that will encourage me to actually go out and do something in it.

      Everyone is all about Zumba but I'm like, "Meh... I can shake my groove thang at home, thank you very much." I also tried a pole dancing class, which was humiliating at best.

      There needs to be a gym that is totally centered around lazy people, with drinks and snacks to encourage attendance. I'd totally go to that.

    2. LOL you'd love my gym. They have pizza night every Monday, bagel morning every Tuesday, and I think now cupcake night every other Thursday. We're also right across the street from the Rockland Bakery, where you're allowed to go in the back and grab hot baked goods as they come out of the oven. I usually have to hold my breath as I run to and from my car.

  2. I was just thinking about how we hadn't heard anything out of you for awhile. Glad to see ya. I HATE working out too. Having said that, I committed to my first 5K in March and I signed my girlfriends up for it too. I'll be DAMNED if I'm the slowest bitch in the bunch so I've been hauling my fat ass onto the dreadmill several days a week. I would love if that resulted in my ass getting smaller but if I can run down the driveway after my asshole dog without huffing & puffing, that'll be good too.

    1. You can do it, girlfran'!!!! Or maybe get a slower, fatter dog...


    2. A slower, fatter dog would be SO much easier.
      You can do it too!!

  3. I hear you! But also all that stuff (dieting, gym) seems like a lot of work. Sitting and food and wine is so nice.

    1. Right??? If only sitting and food and vodka weren't so wonderful. Le sigh.

      But I reallyyyyyyy need to embrace health and fitness and all that crap. Either that, or accept my fate as a fat old lady on a motorized shopping cart cruising the Walmart with a basket full of Doritos.

      Ponder, ponder...

  4. Thanks for making me feel not so guilty for polishing off that bag of Classic Lays whilst reading this post. But as you remind us, you're a giver.
    Happy New Year and who cares about resolutions!

    1. Happy New Year, my love! I hope you dipped those Lays in French Onion Dip...


  5. Oh Dani. How I adore you. I, too, know how to eat like a grownup, but opt not to, of course. Much more fun to just nosh on the pizza and fries that I am serving for my kids, or just eat a big bowl of pasta. Yum! But not healthy. And I haven't stepped into a gym for a good 6 years. But I am so tired of being huge, and something has to happen. Something . . . meaning me getting off my big huge ginormous fat ass and moving that sucker. And stop shoving every delicious food item that crosses my path into my maw. Brie is sooooo delicious. But it needs to stop. And it will . . . on the 2nd. Cheers to you, my girl. Happy New YearS!! ;)

    1. We can do it, love!!! Happy New YearSSSS back atcha, mama!

      I'ma find a way to work Brie into my healthy Eating Like A Grown Up regime... I'll keep you posted.


  6. Sometimes a goal seems so huge that defeat is inevitable. Try eating sensibly at dinner for two weeks. Anybody can manage two weeks, even my lazy, unmotivated ass did that. At the end of that time it wasn't yet a habit, but after another two weeks, it was. It wasn't easy, but it was certainly easier than thinking "I will never eat junk for dinner again, starting NOW."

    1. I'm shooting for 50% of the time. I was all ready to start today, but screw it... I ate like a grown up for breakfast and will eat a sensible lunch and a sensible dinner but I'm not going to be a diet Nazi, if I can help it. That's kind of my problem... I'm an all or nothing girl.

      Maybe that should have been my resolution... stop being such a tight ass?


  7. Ah, the way I figure it, eating like an eight year old sans parents keeps me young and hip! Right? Right???


      Whew... I knew there was a reason I was so youthful and ageless.


  8. Part of the fun of being an adult is eating Skittles for breakfast... Because we can! I say, have a kid breakfast, then a teenage lunch and go for an adult dinner... Oh... And snack like a senior citizen. APPLE SAUCE FOR EVERYONE!!!



    1. You need to market that plan. Like, now. Except for the part about applesauce. I heard senior citizens also like pudding... so PUDDING FOR EVERYONE!!


    2. If there's one thing that's better than applesauce it's pudding! And no chewing necessary!!! Bonus!



  9. Bah - willpower is overrated anyway.

    Great post - going to eat some chocolate now...

  10. In my family we don't make resolutions, but we do eat black-eyed peas and cornbread on New Year's Day for luck and money.

    When I called my mom on the 1st and asked her if she ate hers, and she responded, "Nope, it hasn't worked in 59 years, so this year I said screw it."

  11. My effort so far has amounted to buying low fat cream cheese instead of regular,oh and I I have tried to say less mean things out loud.


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