Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

14 January 2013

The One Where Menopause Kicks My Ass And Makes Me Cry

*Warning:  This blog may or may not contain excessive use of the word "fuck."  You probably don't want to read it out loud to your boss, your gramma, or your 5 year old.

So yeah... I think it's finally hit.

Here's how I know:

Right now, this very minute?  My period is three weeks late and I have an almost uncontrollable need to bite someone.

Everyone is mean and making me cry.

And I want to hurt them.

And then cry about it.  Hard.

And after I'm done with that?  I want vodka, chocolate, and an argument.  Which I will win by default, because I will just yell "BULLSHIT!" until I do.

I have had cramps for 6 weeks.  Seriously.  I have had relentless hormonal headaches, night sweats, hot flashes, pimples, bloating, mood swings, back aches, body aches, pre-homicidal episodes...

I am probably the most irrational person in the world.

But if you suggest that I might be irrational?

I will kill you in your sleep.

This is how my arguments have gone lately:

Person with different opinion:  *Rational argument, facts and figures, logic*


Person with different opinion:  *Rational argument, facts and figures, logic*

Me:  "Seriously?  BULLSHIT."

Person with different opinion:  *Rational argument, facts and figures, logic*

Me:  *rude butt-noise made on my hand*

Or, the alternate scenario:

Person with different opinion:  *Rational argument, facts and figures, logic*

Me:  "You're wrong.  WRONG."

Person with different opinion:  "Why am I wrong?"

Me:  "Because FUCK YOU."

Here's the thing:  I've always had horrrrible PMS.  Actually, I have PMDD, which is PMS on steroids holding a hand grenade. It's like Mutant Ninja PMS, with screaming, crying, bloating, cramping, and chocolate.  I can rationally determine, while I'm in the throes of a PMS meltdown, that my problem is, indeed, entirely menstrual, and that I'm over-reacting, and I have no real reason (other than hormones) for my behavior... but I can't stop it from happening.  

Like today, for example...

I have been crying all day.  Everything is upsetting me.  I'm mad at the drop of a hat.  My feelings are one giant, raw, open wound.  Everything hurts.  Everything.  My head hurts, my body hurts, my feelings hurt.  I've stomped upstairs in a snit twice.  I've thrown myself face down on the bed and sobbed, also twice.  

Then I blamed it all on Dan.

(Chances are, he does bear some blame in all of this.  So I wasn't entirely out of line.)

The actual conversation:

Me:  *lying face down on the bed sobbing*

Dan:  *cluelessly following me into the bedroom*  What's wrong??"


Dan:  "What are you talking about??? I'm not yelling at you!"


Dan:  "I have not!  Dani, I haven't been yelling at you!"



Me:  *pointing accusingly and bursting into a fresh flow of tears*  "SEE??  RIGHT THERE!!  YOU'RE YELLING AT ME!!!"

I know, I know.


It seems like only yesterday I was curled up in the fetal position hugging a heating pad and begging for death every time I got my period.  

Now?  I would sell my SOUL for that.  If it meant this?  Would go. The fuck.  Away.

This is my message to my 15 year old bed-ridden self, fyi.

I currently have a list of people in my head who seriously need to kiss my ass.

They include:

1.  Everyone who has ever told me that menopause is no big deal and that they just stopped having their period one day and lived happily ever after.

2.  Everyone who has ever told me that exercise will help with my menopause symptoms.  (And for them I include a Very Special "FUCK YOU!"  I'm too tired, crampy, bitchy, whiny, irritated, and sweaty to exercise, ASSHOLES.)

3.  Everyone who is younger than I am and has NO IDEA what I'm going through.

4.  Men.  Men can all kiss my ass.

5.  Everyone who has poured salt into the giant gaping wound that is my feelings lately.

6.  Night sweats.  Night sweats can fuck the hell off and die.

This is me (for the most part) when I go to bed at night:

Me when I wake up in the morning:

Okay, fine.

This is me when I wake up in the morning after sweating my ass off all night (but only from the neck up):

7.  Everyone.

I can't keep my mouth shut, you guys.  I can't.  If I have an opinion, it is bound to come out.

I spent years smiling politely while people voiced their feelings and opinions, no matter how stupid or wrong they were.  I knew I wasn't going to change their mind any more than they were going to change mine, and if I just didn't respond or disagree, they'd eventually peter out and change the subject, and we'd go back to talking about shoes and make-up and gossiping about all the people we mutually didn't like.

Now, however?  Like, for the past five months?

I just. Can't. Do it.

And you're gonna like it, dammit... Like it and thank me for it.

Here's the truth:

I started writing this blog yesterday.  Yesterday was a really bad day for me.  I honestly could not stop crying.  I felt like I was being crushed by depression, physically suffocated by despair.  I lost a long time friend due to insensitive behavior on her part and was truly devastated by how badly she hurt my feelings.

Then I read how lovely, courageous little Alice Pyne, the young girl who writes Alice's Bucket List, lost her battle to cancer.  

I was overwhelmed with grief by the loss of this young and promising life.

I cried so hard I ran out of tears.

Strangely, I woke up this morning feeling almost like my old sassy beforemenopausemademeit'sbitch self.

And while I know this is too good to  last (unless rainbows and unicorns start shooting out of my uterus) I'ma take it.


  1. Aw man, that's rough. I know I fall under items 3 and 7 of the Kiss Your Ass list, but I still hope you feel better soon.

    Re: the last pic. My dad got remarried a few years ago, and shortly after they tied the knot, his wife started menopause. He looks very much like the guy in the cartoon.

    1. Thanks, love.

      It really is horrible. I've spent years wishing for menopause, because my periods and PMS were so bad, but now that it's here? I had no idea it would be this bad.

      Like a friend of mine said, "I want ME back."

  2. Gah! I have the whole "I'm PMSing, I'm being irrational; the world is not out to get me" logical voice in my mind thing... and I can't do anything about what comes out of my mouth during that time, either. I can't wait to see what fresh hell menopause will bring.

    1. If you can avoid it, I totally would. I'd rather bleed until the end of time than deal with this shit.

      No lie.

  3. Awwwww, Dani....i'm past menopause and i'm acting just like excuses!
    My hub and son can't wait 'til i leave for an extended trip to my Mom's. To quote you, "Lucky, lucky" Mom.

    Hang tight.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.


  5. The best cure I experienced? Hysterectomy! And a quart of vodka ;-)

    1. I would sign up for a hysterectomy. Seriously. Damn hospitals that won't do voluntary uterus removal...

  6. I blame the men. Because what I want to know is why we, as woman, have to experience all this shit with our bodies: menstration, cramping, pregnancy, delivery, breast feeding, menopause. What do they ever experience? Pissing, shitting, farting and burping. Which they all think is HYSTERICAL. Our stuff? Not even a little funny. So, in conclusion . . . men. All their fault. Let's get 'em!! ;)

    Glad you are over the hump, at least. Hopefully you can hang in there. Sorry it's been so bad. Love you!!

    1. I KNEW it was the fault of the men!! I KNEW IT!!!

      Love you more!!

  7. I am sorry...and scared! I felt the threat of hormones rising when I almost too the pharmacy cashier's face off an hour ago...I have had plenty of sinus infections before that did not leave me thirsting for blood! I don't even want chocolate! I hope this is a short goodbye to shark week for you...well obviously it hasn't been that short, but hopefully not much longer!

  8. Get your hormones tested. If there's no direct family link with breast cancer, you can start on bio-identical hormones. Saved.My.Life.
    Blood test is a bit pricey but the bio-identicals are $20/mo. You have to find a compounding pharmacy to get them filled.
    All summer, bitchy, itchy, whiny, sniveling, and crying like no one's business. I still have a slight bit of night sweats but all other symptoms, aside from raging pimples, have stopped. I'll take the pimples over the moodiness, irritability, irrationality, etc.
    Well, I' wish I didn't have the pimples, but if that's the worst of it, so be it. Vodka makes pimples disappear, no?

    1. Breast cancer abounds in my family :( My mom didn't do hormone replacement therapy and also is one of those who claims menopause was a breeze.

      Then again, she also told me that labor was no worse than menstrual cramps.

      I don't know why I ever listen to the woman.

      Vodka is the best pimple getter-ridder EVER.

      It is written.

  9. ...And I thought all the people lying about how wonderful pregnancy is should be on my list. I guess I'll try to suck it up (Venice style)a little more... until my due date at least. I hope you feel better soon.

    1. I've never lied about pregnancy because of all the people who lied to ME about it.

      The best part of pregnancy is the 6th month. The worst? The 9th month.

      Hang tight, honey... hopefully I'll be done with menopause by the time you have your little kidlet!!


  10. So YOU'RE the woman a couple seats over in the same boat as me! I KNEW I wasn't alone! LOL!

    All I can say is that for me, the peri-menopausal blasts seem to come in waves... things are "normal" and "regular" for a few months and then horomonal craziness ensues for a month or two (or three). My doc recommended vitamin B complex to help with PMS, but I always forget to take it so I can't tell you if it works or not.

    Hang in there, Sistah! Men may have it easier, but that's cuz nature knows they're big wimps.

    1. I keep reminding myself to take vitamins and I do it, sporadically... but I still can't swallow the damn things without gagging on them. Blah.

      I know, I know... suck it up, Buttercup.

      We'll get through this... right?


  11. Awww Alice died? Sniffle.

    Bahh I'm sorry you're all pmssy. PMDD never sounded fun to me. I bet you can treat it with wine. Lots and lots of wine

  12. Sweetie I am sooooo right there with you......

    I never had PMS. Never. No moodiness, no cramps. Maybe an overwhelming urge for chocolate and 10 days of the most incredibly sore boobs ever but that was it.

    3 months ago my boobs stopped hurting. Yay right? Uhuh.....but then I started to get hot. Not a flash per se but if I got at all warm (and apparently I get warm A LOT) then I get soaking sweaty hot. Its awesome. And Ed keeps saying it isn't hot in our house and I keep saying that it is and if he touches the AC to turn it up one more time he is going to lose a freaking hand.

    And now I want people dead. All people. For everything. All the time. They ordered us new shirts and work and mine didn't come in and I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry more or murder more.

    Oh and the crying. Seriously I can't stand myself.

    The best part? My Mom didn't finish menopause until she was about 7 years older than I am now. If I have that for that long someone WILL die.

  13. ...I fall into the category of #3 (and for the record, would gladly kiss your arse), but I want to comment anyway...

    You should let those feelings out. You are more than entitled to. 'Tis a scientific fact that menopause-hormones make one craycray.

    Do you have any badly behaved teenagers at home? My mum got hit with menopause pretty much the same week I became an angsty criminally insane supergoth delinquent (I was 14). Those were some good times let me tell you...

    One of my dearest friends is going through everything you described. She keeps like 10 sets of sheets and blankets in her freezer, for emergencies when the nighttime hot flashes and sweats get really bad, and she says it helps.


  14. Oh. Fuck. That. Shit. I shall not be participating in this horror called menopause. Ever. They can fuck right off.

    Stay strong!



  15. i'mma b real. 11 (E.LEV.EN) years. hot flashs? ppfft! spontaneous human combustion. crying? my only request in the universe was i wanted snow peas. in the 5th grocery store i broke down in the aisle because the vegitable world wanted me dead. night sweats? here's the question i ever got an answer to... why, for all that is holy and sacred, and for anyone who wants to continue to live before i killed them, don't grocery stores rent out cots in their freezer room? i even thought about driving 115miles to a zoo for the penguin or polar bear area. i mean, they sleep somewhere else at night so it's not like i'd kill them too. fun fact: on 3 different years, never the same month or season, i went 11 months with no period. yep, one month to go and my dreams of not having to live alone on this planet were dashed. (buy the smaller B12 and just take 2 or 3. omg that helped on the few times i could remember to take them.)


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