Mama needs Valium

I'm having one of those days where I'm over-tired, over-sensitive, and over-caffeinated. I'm also brain dead and possibly PMS-ing.

My plan for the day is to drink a lot of coffee, because you just never know at what point you're going to be required to completely over-react about something.

Usually, Dan is the Diva in our family. He is the Queen of the Over-Reaction, the Sherpa of Mountainous Mole Hills, and can always be counted on to come unglued about nothing. That leaves me the job of being calm, cool, and collected (most of the time) and causes me to down-play just about everything.

Dan: *onboard the Titanic* "Oh my GOD! IT'S AN ICEBURG! IT'S GOING TO HIT US! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Me: *casually sipping my martini while up to my ass in iceburgs* "Settle down, Nancy, it's just a freaking chunk of ice. Stop being such a GIRL."

I don't really know anymore if it's just in my nature to scoff at Chicken Little or if it's merely a defense mechanism because I've spent a lot of time dodging glaciers and at some point, I just decided to ignore them.

Once in a blue moon, however, I do catch, out of the corner of my eye, the site of a huge wall of ice looming in my horizon, and when that happens, I'm not sure how to handle it.

In my head, I want to hike my skirt up, stand on a chair and scream, "IT'S A MOUSE! IT'S A MOUSE! KILL IT!"

Instead, I'm just holding it all inside and waiting for my world to implode.

BOOM.

If something devastating occurs in the world today, remember... you heard it here first.

*theskyisfalling*

Chillin' and Relaxin' all coool....

By most accounts (well, mine, at any rate), I am a fairly level -headed, easygoing person. (No, really... I am. I am. Yes I AM! Well, FUCK you then!) I can go with just about any flow and I take bad news and most of life's many, MANY kicks in the pants with grace, dignity and good humor.

(I DO TOO! What do YOU know? Who are you, anyway?)

Very few things get me rattled. Actually, the list is so small as to be practically non-existent. These are the things that knock me for a loop and make me freak out in my own special way:

1. Running out of toilet paper. That right there, is a biggie. If I notice that I'm down to less than half a roll and there isn't any more in the house, I lose it. No really, I do. I sent Dan to the store yesterday with $5 in quarters to get an emergency supply until I could go to Walmart to stock up. (I was sitting on the toilet when I sent him. It wasn't a proud moment, for sure... but it was effective.)

Me: *bellowing* "Dan! DAN!! We're almost out of toilet paper!!

Dan: "What?"

Me: *louder* WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF TOILET PAPER!"

Gah! I can hear myself echoing down the pipes and into Mr. Awesome's apartment.

(Did you get that, Mr. Awesome? Did you and all your friends that you had over yesterday watching football get that?)

Dan, of course, still can't hear me.

Dan: "Huh? Can't hear youuuu...."

Me: *grabbing my cell, because yeah... I'm one of those people who talks on the phone while I'm in the bathroom. Deal with it* "Ring ring...."

Dan: "Hello?"

Me: "We're almost out of toilet paper."

Dan:

Me:

Dan: "Soooooo...?"

Me: "So go get some. Take change out of my purse."

Dan: "Now???"

Me: "YES NOW! I'M IN THE BATHROOM AND I NEED TOILET PAPER!"

(Okay, that was a slight exaggeration. I had half a roll and I wasn't in dire emergency. But like I said, when that's all that's left, I panic. You never know what is going to happen. You just DON'T.

2. Running out of coffee. No coffee is a bad, bad thing. No coffee makes everyone very. afraid. We do not run out of coffee. Ever. It's too horrible to even contemplate. When I notice my coffee getting low I get a little frantic. I've been known to send Dan to the store at midnight just to buy me coffee in case I don't have quite enough to make a smooth, rich pot in the morning. (This is why I'm married, by the way. I don't like running to the store for anything. It's HIS job to hit the all night grocery stores for Tums, Kotex, Toilet Paper, Coffee, NyQuil, Tylenol, and Pamprin. It's my job to stay home relaxing on the couch while he does that.)

3. Mayonnaise: You can read all about that here: http://deathbycupcakes01.blogspot.com/2011/09/grosscondimentophobia.html

Because I WILL lose my shit over mayonnaise.

4. Bats: Anything that flies and could land in my hair. Because if it flies and lands in my hair, I will assume it's a bat and react accordingly. "Reacting Accordingly" involves Full Blown Stationary Panic, with screaming and slapping myself in the head and face until it's gone or dead. (My apologies to the baby bird I beat to death when it landed in my hair.)

Other than the above? I'm chill, yo.

And since Dan freaks out about literally everything else, we balance eachother out.