Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

07 October 2011

I'm talking to YOU, Nancy Grace

Dear Nancy Grace,

Even though I'm not a fan, every once in a while I accidentally get sucked into the cesspit that is your show. You know how it is when you see a possum standing frozen in the middle of the road while a car is speeding towards it, unable to move; just staring blindly at the headlights growing brighter and larger by the second, knowing it's about to be squashed like a grape but has lost all power of mobility... It's kind of like that.

Anyway, it's not your "reporting" that has me trapped like a moth banging itself repeatedly against a porch light.

It's your make-up.

Specifically, your eyebrows. (We'll discuss the helmet hair another time. I simply haven't found the words yet to do it justice. Waiting for a bigger, better, more complete Thesaurus to come along.)

Meanwhile, what in the HELL are you trying to accomplish with your eyebrows?

What exactly is the look you're going for here, Nancy?

I wish I could say this was an isolated incident, an unintentional faux pas, or perhaps a disgruntled make-up artist who was taking out her agressions by drawing your eyebrows down to your nostrils because you're such an uptight, irritating, mouthy pain in the ass, but the thing is?

They look like that every single time you're on the air.

That makes it a choice, Nancy.

Okay, I get that we all plucked our eyebrows into oblivion during the Fashion Tragedy of the 70s, but most of us let them return to normal in the 80s, after Brooke Shields came along and brought sexy back with a freaking unibrow.

So maybe yours didn't grow all the way back... it happens. Yours only came halfway back and stopped an inch away from the corner of your eye. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here. I'm going to assume that you don't pluck them that way on purpose. However... it doesn't explain why you then have someone draw them on so that they're going down the side of your nose.


I honestly get so distracted by this that I can't focus or pay attention to anything you're saying. You might be a serious journalist or you might be an opinionated bitch who got lucky enough to get your own show, I don't know... because all I can think about is your eyebrows.

Please fix. (Or at least justify your decision to continue doing this.)




  1. LOVE IT!! Just wandered over from the Weez cuz your title pulled me like a magnet! I personally can't get past Nancy's outfits...maybe that has something to do with my only exposure to her being on the Soup or the Daily Show, where no mockery is complete without mentioning her vest ensembles!

  2. I have never managed to get down to her actual clothing... Once I got past her tragic hair-do I couldn't stop staring at her eyebrows. It's like the 5 Stages of Nancy Grace: 1. Hair 2. Eyebrows 3. Flaring Nostrils 4: Accent... dear God MAKE IT STOP! and 5. Wardrobe


  3. Oh no no no no no. I wish I hadn't read this because I have a weird thing about eyebrows, and I'm about to eat. Now all I can think about is the Star Trek-like look she's rocking with THAT HAIR.

    And I don't think there's a way she can justify. Uh-uh.

  4. Dani appreciates good brows!

  5. THAT HAIR... yeah, that needs a discussion all it's own. I can't even begin to think about the hair.

    I get sooo distracted by eyebrows... I mean, a good brow makes me incredibly happy, but a BAD brow? I can't stop thinking about. I just can't.

  6. I know her makeup is really bad, but I saw her once without makeup and it is much worse that way, trust me.


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