Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

06 October 2011

Things Dan Wishes He Hadn't Done, Part Infinity

I wish I could say this is the first time he's made this mistake, but I would be lying. He's actually done it before.

It's been one of those weeks. I'm bitchy, bloated, crampy, achy, miserable, hormonal, whiny, unpredictable, and craving Peanut Butter Snickers (which they don't carry anywhere in this Godforsaken place. ANYWHERE).

Pretty much, between the Pity Parties and the Pissing All Over Everyone Else's Parade, I've been a busy girl this week.

Then this happened:

I hope that news of the arrival of my period today makes last week's PMS-related emotional instability much more tolerable.

Unfortunately, when it happened? I wasn't prepared. So I sent Dan to the store with a very explicit list AND A PHOTOGRAPH of what I wanted him to get. Because, like I said: He has made some serious errors in this area before.

He not only had the instructions of what to purchase on a list, he also had in his possession a cell phone with an equally explicit text message.

I literally left no room for error.

To recap:

1. He had a list. An explicit list.

2. He had a photograph on his phone of what to purchase.

3. He had an equally explicit text message on his phone, which he had on his person and could use to call if he had any questions.

No freaking wings.
I hate wings.
No brand except Kotex.
In this case, I have serious brand loyalty. There will be no deviation.
Maxi pads.
No more, no less.

And yet? He came home with this:

In case you're wondering, yes... those are, indeed, bladder control pads. Potty pads for pissy old ladies. It says so right on the bag. The bag also does not have the word "Kotex" anywhere on it.

Even sadder, he has done this exact same thing before. Exact. Same. Thing.

AND he did it at the Big M, where my reputation is already questionable. Now I'm a crazy lady with horrible taste in ring tones who can't tell the difference between chicken and fish and who also pees her pants.

Worst of all, I think I accidentally married a dumbass.

Because really? There is no other explanation.

Sorry, honey. I still love you. But I'm going to keep sending you to the store to buy me Kotex UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT.

It's the only way you're going to learn.


  1. So funny! That outta teach him for sure!

  2. *sigh* Men play this game, where if they keep doing it wrong, they're hoping you'll give up. DON'T GIVE UP.

    And thanks for the laughs, as always!

  3. I'm pretty determined to hold off menopause until he figures out the difference between Kotex and Depends. I'm digging in my heels. //word

  4. I'm wiping tears away from laughing so hard. He bought you old lady 'poise' pads?!?

    I don't know if he did it on purpose or not. It's possible it was an accident. If we have to walk down the feminine product aisle of the store, my husband averts his eyes like every freaking package of tampons and kotex are little Medusa's, just waiting to tun him to stone.

    Ah, men.

  5. My husband is the same way. I can give him all of the directions in the world and he will still come back with a bag of magic beans...

  6. I couldn't read fast enough as my brain saw the photo and was saying "hey wait! those are lady bladder pads, aren't they?" Hilarious, and while I am new to wander here, I feel compelled to check our stores for pb snickers for you for next month!

  7. I never cease to be amazed at how terrified Dan is of my period and all the trappings that come along with it. He had a mother and a sister and yet it's like he was raised in the dark ages where women's "business" was conducted in back alleys and in the dark of the night. I always have to stifle the urge to wander through the house chanting, "Unclean... Unclean..."

    Andrea... PB Snickers = BFF for LIFE. (And yes, in a totally scary and stalkerish way.)


  8. I couldn't concentrate after pb snickers was mentioned.

  9. I'd make *him* return them to the store and pick up the correct variety of Kotex. You may need to print out a photo of the Kotex and staple gun or hot glue it to his shirt before he goes shopping (attach it upside down across the belly, so that all he hasta do is look down to see the proper image). Give him a chance to develop a reputation at the store instead, LOL! And . . . :::koff::: . . . I'm like a tire with a slow leak, so I get to use those ding-dayum Poise pads alla time. I just refuse to be an ol' lady for another 20-30 years yet. ;D


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