Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

16 December 2011

The one where I catch Dan's crotch on fire...

This day is not starting out well.

I'm pretty sure something dire is about to happen, like a meteor plummeting to earth, or the apocalypse.  

Here's how my day has been thus far:

I fell asleep at approximately 6:30 this morning, after spending the entire freaking night coughing like Sarah Bernhardt in the death scene of Camille.  

The fact that Dan spent the night sounding like he was gargling snot didn't help.  At all.

When the alarm went off at 7, I woke up pissed off and irritable, to say the least.

Dan, not to be outdone, did too.

Dan:  "How did you sleep last night?"

Me:  "Snarl snap growl motherfucking SNORING ALL NIGHT rawrrrrrrr!"

Dan:  "Yeah... I didn't sleep for shit."

*Sidebar:  Nothing... and I mean NOTHING... irritates me MORE than when Dan says "I didn't sleep for shit."  Number One:  That makes no sense and it just sounds STUPID.  Number Two:  THEN WHY WERE YOU SNORING ALL NIGHT, ASSHOLE???  


Moving on.

Dan has his truck parked for the winter to save on gas (and, in my opinion, to protect his precious truck from snow, sand, and salt) so we are sharing my car.  Yes, this actually IS a huge pain in my ass, thank you very much for asking.  But that's beside the point.

I need the car today so I drove Dan to work.

Our drive into town went like this:

Me:  *coughcoughcough* 


Me:  *stewing in silence*

Me:  *coughcoughsniffle*


Me:  *glare*

Dan:  "What?"


We decided to stop at Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, since the last time Dan went to the store to get me coffee he came home with some crap store brand that tastes like DIRT and I haven't had decent coffee in over a week and dammit, I'm due for some.

We picked up our order and I put my coffee in the cup holder and handed Dan his hot cocoa and the change.

Dan:  "Hold on a second..."

Me:  *not paying attention and stepping on the gas*

Dan:  *screaming like a little girl*

Me:  *stepping on the brakes because right at that moment my brain processed the fact that he had said "Hold on a second..."

Dan:  *staring at the steam arising from his crotch*

*long frightening silence*

Me:  "Sorry..."

(You  know how your Mom used to tell you, after you did something horrible and you said, "But I SAID I was SORRY!" that "SOMETIMES SORRY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH"?  Well, this was one of those times.)

Here's what happened:

When I handed him his cocoa and the change, the lid to his cocoa had come partially off and the hot liquid was sloshing onto his hand.  He said "Hold on..." because he needed to put the lid back on.  Instead, I jammed my cranky little foot onto the gas, jolted the car forward and through a pot hole, and dumped half of his scalding hot chocolate into his lap, thus igniting his crotch.  And not in a good way.

In my defense, I didn't do it on purpose.


In his defense, he sucked it up like a big boy and didn't rip his pants off and start blowing on his crotch.  (Though I kinda sorta would have paid to see that.)

He steamed in silence as I drove him apologetically to work.

Me:  *coughcoughcough*

Dan:  *fume*

When Dan is quiet, nothing good happens.  It's kind of like on Fatal Attractions when the family's pet lion, who eats at the table and rides in the car, suddenly on a whim decides to bite the hand that feeds him and everyone is all shocked and surprised and shit.

Or like when a chimpanzee in a sailor suit and a beret goes on a rampage.

Or that dude who lived with the grizzlies became their dinner, after naming them and thinking he was their BFF.

Or like all those assholes who believe that their venomous snakes like them and won't bite them.

I should have known better before I took him out of the wild and housebroke him and paraded him around like my pet monkey and stuff.


After I dropped him off, I watched him walk gingerly across the parking lot with a big wet stain on the front of his pants.

I swear to GOD I didn't laugh.


  1. The fact that you didn't laugh proves you're a better woman than I am cuz I laughed so hard I snorted.

  2. Bwahahahahahaha!! Ok, there. I laughed for the both of us (not that I believe you, but I'll give you this one).

    And, I am very happy that you at least got some decent coffee at DD. Even if it came at the price of Dan's crotch afire.

    And really, it is probably just karma. I think it was payback for him being such a dick about the one upmanship of sickness and sleeplessness. Let this be a cosmic lesson to him. Or something. Sorry, I'm still laughing at his flaming crotch. I am going to hell, I know. :)

  3. You know, I'm proud of both of you. You for not laughing, Dan for not going ballistic. Aren't y'all are a couple of grownups? Well, except for the cranky gas pedal foot and Mr. 'My Cough is Bigger than Yours', but aside from that, grownups!

  4. True love is truly wonderful.
    One and half degree burns, ouch.

  5. Hahahahha I really really like this post. The coughing competition, the naming bears reference, the hot liquid in crotch action. All of it. A++


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