Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

15 December 2011

Things I Wish I Hadn't Said, #1

Me, to Dan, on the phone this afternoon:  "Pick us up something for dinner... I feel horrible and I don't want to cook."

Dan:  "What do you want me to get?"

Me:  "I don't care... I haven't eaten all day and I'm not super hungry.  Get what sounds good to you."

*cue ominous music*

What the hell was I thinking?

Short story short and to the point:

Dan came home with six (yes, SIX) double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and two diet Cokes.



(Take your time... I'll give you a moment.)

Dan:  "Dollar menu, baby... it only cost me 9 dollars!"

(Please refer to my blog, The Bargain Nazi, for more information on Dan and his predisposition towards buying cheap and why I should have known better and why, in a sense, this is all actually kind of my fault.)

I kept my mouth shut, because he was so damn proud of himself, and I know that in his heart of hearts he thought he was "helping"...

But I need to get this off my chest.

Never, in the ten years that we have been together, has Dan EVER seen me eat a double cheeseburger.  Ever.  EVER.  NEVER.  NOT ONCE.  

I had a wicked flashback to how my mother, in the almost 49 years that I have been on this earth, has never figured out that I have an extreme (EXTREME) mayonnaise phobia (described in depth here) and still insists that her potato salad is my favorite food on this earth.  (It isn't.)

Do I just LOOK like the kind of girl who likes to double-fist double cheeseburgers and mayonnaise??

Don't answer that.

Then I got really paranoid.  I read an article today on titled "10 Subtle Ways To Tell Her She's Getting Fat" (put on your ass-kicking boots and read allllll about it here... it took me at least two hours to stop being enraged by the "Subtle Hints") and I started wondering, "Is he trying to tell me he thinks I'm FAT?"

Dani, I'm talking to YOU...

Because, really... when you bring your woman home six double cheeseburgers, the message is kind of implied.

"Sooo... what are you trying to tell me?"


Then he ate five of the six (and honestly, I had to give him mad props for remembering to get DIET Coke)...

Wait... was that a Subtle Hint that I'm FAT??

I'm so confused...

"Here, baby... wash that down with DIET soda, hint hint..."

On the other hand (wait... how many hands does that make now??) maybe it says more about HIM than ME.

Is that even possible??

"Where's my double cheeseburger, bitch?"


  1. 1. How do you find these pics?!? Especially the nekkid fat ladies eating seems like some kind of fetish thing.
    2. I don't even eat meat, but I can't crap on Dan for that. I ate cake last night for dinner, because it was free. And delicious.

  2. I pray that I will never be accused of a serious enough crime that my computer history will be analyzed by the Feds. It would be humiliating and look something like this: "image of does this cheeseburger make my ass look fat"... or "picture of geese being assholes." (Also in there are numerous searches of serial killers. Don't ask.)

  3. I read Gia's comment about meat & eggs, and now the chemist in me is wondering if eggs are considered a meat and if not, why?

  4. Oh god, Dani . . . how did you find that picture of me eating the cheesburger?? I thought I got rid of that thing! Now I'm embarassed.

    Don't read anything into his purchases. He is a man, and as a man has no ability to give subtle hints. Plus, it's Dan, right? Wouldn't he just tell you that he thought you were getting fat? I think you are just trying to read into it because you are self projectiing. (Like that advance psychological diagnosis? Never even studied. I think I might be a savant!). Don't read anything into it. Like I said. He's a man. They know not what they do . . .

    Oh, and my mom makes homemade turkey noodle soup that she has for my entire life thought I love. I do not. I do not eat it when she makes it. I have told her that I don't want nor enjoy it. She cannot let go of some phantom idea that I love it for some reason.


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