Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

12 December 2011


Since I'm exceedingly poooooor this year (like Dickens poverty-stricken Scrooge-doesn't-give-a-shit starving Bob Cratchit family poor) I've decided to give everyone I know and love homemade gifts this year.  

(If you're reading this and expecting a gift from me but don't want my homemade shit, don't worry about it, because at the rate I'm going, I'm probably not going to get to you anyway.)

So a few weeks ago, I made a list of everyone I need to send something to and what exactly it is/was I'm going to send.

I had big plans to buy all the ingredients for fudge, Christmas cookies, and some other crafty things. 

That's pretty much as far as I've gotten.

Lately, I've been unable to process a thought to fruition.  It's like little sparks of ideas fly into my head and before I have a chance to figure out what I'm thinking, it flies right back out again, leaving me with my mouth hanging open going, "Wait... wha...?"  

(It's a very attractive look for me, I'm sure.)

"Homo say whaaaaa...?"

This is my brain:

"Did you know that turtles breathe through their butts?"

This is my brain on Christmas:

*blink* *blink* 

In my head, this is what I imagine handing out for the holidays, while I'm dressed in Norman Rockwell-ish crushed velvet and satin ribbon New England-y Christmas attire while carolers follow me around and deer sprint across the frozen tundra in an oh-so-charming way:

"Fa la la la laaaaa la la la laaaaa!"

In reality, this is the more likely scenario:  

"Should I give them the whole box or just put a few on a plate with a bow??"


  1. 'Too Manee Shinees' Hee!

    I thought you were going to bedazzle all your spare dildos?

  2. I got distracted by all the litter and bling...

    Sparkly! Pretty! Buzzing!

  3. Just a few with a bow. You want it to be festive. Plus, handing out gifts is exhausting so you will need some snacks to keep your energy up.

  4. PLUS ingredients are hella expensive! I always think "oh, I'll bake prezzies!" but then I go to the grocery store and look at the flour and sugar and eggs and extract and say "Nevermind, I'm poor! Pass on baking!"

  5. My mom is only here until tomorrow and then I have to make 3 different dishes this week for Christmas potlucks, followed by a weekend of cookies for gift giving. At some point, it starts being more of a chore than a fun thing, but it's so much cheaper than buying gifts and no one I know can cook anyway so they think it's awesome.

  6. I'm wrapping canned goods from my cupboard this year as gifts. I'm going to ask for them to wait until I leave before they start unwrapping.

  7. I'm doing the baking myself... mostly for my boys. I need to bake and box and ship to California, and then bake and feed the two who are going to be here, and bake and feed my daughter in law, who weighs like 12 lbs and no one seems to know WHAT SHE EATS. She either needs to come up with something or baby's getting the Oreos. (Danielle, if you read this: I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!)

  8. Whole bag of oreos and a carton of milk. Now THATS a gift no one will return!

  9. Ribbon. It's festive. And shows you care.

    I am on task to bake a massive amount of cookies for upcoming events this week and next. But I have a secret weapon . . . pre-made frozen cookies that are preformed into little balls. No, not that nestle crap in little squares from the grocery store. These are super duper better. And nobody can tell they are not homemade unless I tell them. "Wow, these are good, did you make them?" (incredulous tone). "Why yes, I did in fact MAKE them." (one must place them in the oven, in fact, so that counts as making, I've decided). Done! Fa la la.

  10. OMG Rowena, that's freaking BRILLIANT.

    Misty... For years I've been passing off Marie Callendar's pumpkin pie as my own. Curses that there are no Marie's restaurants in NY!!! (The fresh made stuff kicks her frozen pie's ASS.) And when people ask if I made it, I of course say YES... BECAUSE I MADE THE DAMN TRIP TO THE RESTAURANT TO PICK IT UP.


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