Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

13 August 2012

Breakdown of a Breakdown

I'm exaggerating, of course.  I didn't actually breakdown... I just threatened to.  A lot.  It became my mantra over the past week, as I packed and packed and packed and packed and packed and never seemed to freaking finish.  Most of my conversations went like this:

Any person who happened to talk to me last week:  "So how is the move going?"


I'm pretty sure I fulfilled my lifelong ambition of becoming a temporary alcoholic last week. 

Except that's a lie.  I was mad at everyone.

I had some amazing ideas while I was packing.  UH.MAZ.ING.  Unfortunately, I couldn't get Dan to see the amazingness of my ideas, so none of them were put into place.  However, due to their utter amazingness, I am going to share them with you, in case you ever are in a position where you need to move all your random shit out of an upstairs apartment:

Me, to Dan:  "You know what we should totally do?  Just get rid of all our stuff and buy new.  We could totally just leave it all here and let the landlord deal with it.  He can keep our security deposit... it'll pay to move all this crap out and haul it to the dump, or thrift store, or wherever.  It would be a real money saver, don't you think?  Besides, I hate this furniture,"

Dan:  "No."

Me, to Dan:  "I have an idea... let's throw away all of our dishes and just use paper plates from now on.  Kill two birds with one stone:  I won't have to pack 47 boxes of glass and dinnerware and I'd never have to do dishes again!"

Dan, because he has no vision:  "No."

Me, to Dan:  "Let's get a kegger for moving day."

Dan:  "No."

Me:  "How about a margarita machine?"

Dan:  "No."

Me:  "Let's recruit the Amish to move our stuff for us.  They have strong backs and are used to doing hard work that sucks in 56483957 degree heat with 5638394756% humidity.  We can drink cocktails and tell them where to put everything."

Dan:  "Jesus, I hope you aren't serious."

Me:  "It would be fun!  I'd be all,  'Over there, Jedediah!  Don't drop that magic box that plays moving picture shows!  Pick up the speed, Hannah... I want that martini shaken, not stirred!'  Plus it would be totally PC because they aren't like slaves, they'd just be doing shit I don't want to do.  We'd pay them and stuff."

(*Sidebar:  I totally saw an Amish woman smoking while hanging out by her buggy selling fruit and vegetables.  I don't know if that's against the Amish code or anything, but I found it amusing.  I may or may not have flipped a u-turn to drive back by and see if I actually saw what I thought I saw.  I did.  Homegirl was getting her smoke on, in bonnet and sensible Amish shoes.   So I'm pretty sure they'd be okay with being my cocktail bitches while Jedediah and Mose moved my shit, yes?)


Me:  "OR... and this is just a thought... We could have like an estate sale, only in our apartment, and we wouldn't be dead.  We could just put up signs and people could come in and buy our stuff and then we'd just take the money and buy better stuff.  Then we wouldn't have to carry it all down the stairs."



Dan can be such an asshole.  He refused to take any of my suggestions into consideration.  Apparently (and this is what I read into it) he values our stuff more than he values my sanity. 

In the long run, I actually didn't wind up carrying anything downstairs (I'm morally opposed to carrying anything heavier than my purse) but still, it was the thought that counted.  I knew someone would be dragging all that shit around corners and through stairwells and over and river and through the woods, and I was just thinking about them.  Dan, his brother, his dad, and his niece and nephews did 100% of the grunt work while I stressed and cleaned and discovered, at the very end of the day, that I had completely forgotten about the hall closet, where I'd shoved all my Christmas stuff the day after Christmas without bothering to box it back up.  Hundreds of ornaments, two fiber optic trees, free-flowing garland, wadded knots of lights, ribbons, bows, and strands of tinsel had worked themselves into one elaborate unholy ball of holiday cheer that needed to be untied, sorted, bubble-wrapped, and repacked.

I threatened another breakdown.

Suddenly, my idea of putting everything into trash bags and dealing with it later didn't seem so bad.

Long story short, all my Christmas crap is in trash bags.

Boo yah, bitches.  I knew it was a fab idea.

Anyway, I survived.  Barely.  My stuff survived.  Barely.  My husband survived.  Barely. 


  1. Yay! Does that mean you are all moved? And still with your mind (what's left of it) intact?? Hooray!!

    Now . . . you just have to unpack everything. Um, yeah, have fun. ;)

  2. So the move is done?

    PS - I totally did the same thing with my Christmas stuff. Why pack it in boxes when I'm going to have to unpack it all 12 months later, right?

  3. LMAo at over the river and through the woods.. Nice! Loved the Amish Idea. I capped both of those on purpose, Amish Idea. Because it's THAT good. Put that smoking one to work, she's just standing there smoking away anyway, I'll take her place and smoke it up for her.

  4. UGHHH stressful. You deserve a keg for all that. At the least.

  5. I don't know why Dan thought a margarita machine was a bad idea. I'm totally stealing that idea for when I move!!

  6. I can only hope one of you gt a keg for the unpacking!

  7. Awe you need at least ONE new thing for the new house! I'm with you though on moving. I absolutely hate it and have a breakdown each time. I've moved from a 3rd story apartment twice, it was no fun at all. The first time it was just me and my husband so I had to do half the work. The second time I did some but my husband and dad and some guy friends did the rest. It took me twice to realize that it's awesome living on the top floor (no one to bother you from above, less chance of roaches) but it SUCKS moving. The last couple of times we moved I was pregnant so I lucked out and didn't have to help much LOL! I have decided that if we ever move again I must get knocked up first. Is that bad? :P Well I hope you're at your new place and I wish you luck with the moving in and getting settled. *hug*


I'm a total comment whore... Leave me a message after the beep. *pause* *pause* *pause* BEEP!