Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

14 August 2012

The one where I'll never be naked again

*Sidebar:  Before I begin this highly inappropriate blog, I want to welcome my son, Kacey, and his fellow Marines, home from Afghanistan.  They arrived home safely yesterday afternoon.  I've spent the morning looking at the three photos that have been posted so far of him and his wife running to eachother, hugging, and kissing, and I've been bawling like the pathetic, silly mother that I am. 

I'm so relieved that you're home, my precious boy, and I love you so much.  You always have been and always will be one of the three brightest stars that light up my life.  And don't you ever go away to war again.  My heart can't take it.  Four deployments between two sons is four too many.  I have spoken.  //gavel


(Seriously, this conversation just happened.  I'm watching my nieces at my in-laws and as I'm sitting here at the computer looking at the photos of Kacey and his wife and bawling, Jessie, the 9 year old, said, sounding irritated, "Aunt Dani, why are you crying AGAIN?"  Tori, the 14 year old, answered, with a tone of disgust, "She's ALWAYS crying today."  They both have special needs and are learning disabled and spent at least an hour last night singing songs at the top of their lungs about how much they love their pets in mock-opera vibrato but apparently I've managed to completely annoyed them with my ridiculous behavior.)


This morning, my self-esteem took a serious hit.  Serious.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you doubt every thing you've ever thought about yourself and are forced to look at your imperfections through the innocent eyes of a child who doesn't know how to lie?

If you haven't, avoid it as long as possible.  I don't recommend it.

Here's what happened:

So, as I said, I'm doing day care for my two nieces, ages 9 and 14.  They both have special needs and are quite learning disabled.  They are the sweetest girls on earth and watching them is almost easier than sitting on the couch doing nothing.  This is my second day doing it and the most difficult thing I had to do yesterday was dress myself.  True story.

Anyway, I took a shower this morning (yay me!) and afterward, took my towel-clad nekkid self back into my bedroom, plopped myself on the bed, aimed the fan towards me and started applying lotion.  As I was sitting there, awkwardly slathering my feet and ankles while the breeze from the fan tickled my hiney, the door burst open and Jessie (the 9 year old) barged into the room.

*freeze frame*

She stopped cold when she saw me and gave me a long, perplexed look.

Me: *deciding not to over-react... the least fuss made the better, yes?* "Jessie, you need to close the door.  Aunt Dani needs some privacy right now."

Right on cue, because she's extremely well-behaved, she promptly turned around and shut the door behind her, then turned back around and continued to face me.

Well, snap.

Me:  *rephrasing it*  "Jessie, Aunt Dani needs some privacy.  You  need to go wait for me downstairs."

Jessie:  "Okay."

Jessie:  *not moving*

Jessie:  *frowning*

Me:  *attempting to nonchalantly cover my nakedness with two hands and a bottle of lotion*

And then...

Jessie:  "Why are you wearing that?"

I glanced down at my birthday suit.

She continued to frown.

Me:  *lamely*  "Jessie, why don't you go have cookies for breakfast?  And you and Tori can put in a movie.  Aunt Dani will be down in a minute."

Yes, I will use blackmail to divert the critical gaze of a child from my seemingly unsightly epidermis.

Also?  I will never be naked again.  Ever.

When I went downstairs, dressed and ready for the day, Jessie took one look at me and said:



  1. Im so sorry this happened to you... but this is hilarious!!!!! It reminds me of Wendy's nonlocking bathroom door with Charles.

    1. GAHH! I spent more time on the potty with Venice and Charlie looking at me asking, "Pee or poop, Dani? Pee or poop?"

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh god, I'm sorry. I know that must have hurt, but the fact that she thought you were wearing a skin suit is so fucking hysterical. Oh man. SNIFF. Ok, I'm fine now. All better. Shifting gears . . .

    That must have been horrible for you. I am so sorry. Bring it in, let's hug it out! :D

    1. Your sympathy and understanding are overwhelming!!!!


    2. I said I was sorry. Jeesh! You skin suit people are so touchy. :p

  3. Oh I know the feeling. My kids are often waaayyy too honest! I would have to be drunk to post some of the things they have said to me!

    1. Well then by all means, mix yourself a cocktail and start posting!!

  4. First off CONGRATUHELLALATIONS!!!!! Having them home must feel like the most awesome thing ever!!!
    Secondly, don't take it so hard. KIds are weird. My poor daughter was weird as all hell with my nakedness for years and years and still is to a point, whenever she would burst in my room ( you'd think she would learn hello?!) She'd be all weird, and yell EEWW! Thanks! Thanks!

    1. It would be more awesome if I could see him, but just knowing he's back in the US of A and home with his wife is amazing :)

      And yeah... how much of my nakedness needs to be observed and frowned upon before somebody figures out they need to knock!!!

  5. Congrats on your son returning safely. I know how relieved you must be. My nephew just returned home to his wife and child in June. Thank him, please, for his service.
    And I am thanking you for the laugh out loud! Sorry, I know it was at your expense, but I love to listed to the things that come out of the mouths of babes!

  6. congrats on your son returning safe and sound... I can't imagine that feeling.

  7. There is something about children that just puts the whole world into perspective for us.

  8. Bahahahhaha how traumatic for you.

  9. wow... I'm so sorry. My kids did that to me once, then they caught me crying later. I think they connected the 2 moments because now they give me way too many complements. I think I scared them by them scaring me.

    Damn kids.



  10. Yahoo!!!!! I still get teary eyed when I see my cousin walking his dog around after he got off the bus coming home from Iraq (well, after he took a plane...I know that), so a pair of humans...too much...too many happy tissues!

    As for the rest...not laughing AT you...

  11. I'm so happy your son is home! Hope he doesn't have to go off anymore. Is he here for a long while at least? I can't imagine two kids off at war, my heart would just break as much as i'd be proud of them. *hug*


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