Confession:
Nothing makes me happier than discovering a person with a truly horrifying name. It's like Christmas morning, only better. It's the gift that keeps on giving. For example, the day I discovered Sybil Nipple's listing in the phone book to this day counts as one of the most joyful moments of my life.
Sybil Nipple, you guys.
Sybil Nipple.
There is a women in California named Sybil Nipple.
How can you not love that?
For years I would put "Sybil Nipple" in the return address section of my envelopes when mailing payments to the power company, the phone company, the cable company, credit card companies...(that was back in the day before online bill paying, in case you're super young and you're going, "Return address? Mail in payment? No habla...")
Just knowing I was sharing the joy with a faceless stranger in a mail room somewhere gave me the warm fuzzies. (I know, right? I'm a giver, y'all.)
Nothing makes me happier than discovering a person with a truly horrifying name. It's like Christmas morning, only better. It's the gift that keeps on giving. For example, the day I discovered Sybil Nipple's listing in the phone book to this day counts as one of the most joyful moments of my life.
Sybil Nipple, you guys.
Sybil Nipple.
There is a women in California named Sybil Nipple.
How can you not love that?
For years I would put "Sybil Nipple" in the return address section of my envelopes when mailing payments to the power company, the phone company, the cable company, credit card companies...(that was back in the day before online bill paying, in case you're super young and you're going, "Return address? Mail in payment? No habla...")
Just knowing I was sharing the joy with a faceless stranger in a mail room somewhere gave me the warm fuzzies. (I know, right? I'm a giver, y'all.)
Recently, I came across this:
"Police Say Kermit Butts Is Tied To Boob Murder."
That actually happened.
And the fact that this cracked me up so much is one of the reasons that I am destined to die in a horrible and humiliating butt-related accident. Because Karma never forgets.
So after learning of the fascinating case of the Butts-Boob murder, I decided to hit up Google to see what other awesome names existed. I found the usual suspects: Dick Trickle (tee heeee), Dick Butkus, every person who has had the misfortune to be named Dick Johnson, etc.
(I had a neighbor once named Dick Cox. Dan almost wet himself with joy the first time they were introduced, because he may or may not be something of an asshole, like me. Funny names crack us up. We can't help it.)
And the fact that this cracked me up so much is one of the reasons that I am destined to die in a horrible and humiliating butt-related accident. Because Karma never forgets.
So after learning of the fascinating case of the Butts-Boob murder, I decided to hit up Google to see what other awesome names existed. I found the usual suspects: Dick Trickle (tee heeee), Dick Butkus, every person who has had the misfortune to be named Dick Johnson, etc.
(I had a neighbor once named Dick Cox. Dan almost wet himself with joy the first time they were introduced, because he may or may not be something of an asshole, like me. Funny names crack us up. We can't help it.)
Since laughing at people named Dick is soooo yesterday, I was pleased to find some new names to tickle my funny bone. You're welcome in advance for sharing these with you:
Danielle Cobbledick...
No.
(I'll wait a moment to see if lightning strikes me...)
Nope. I'm golden. Though I'm sure the devil is currently stoking the fire and sharpening a marshmallow roasting stick with my name on it.
Danielle Mangina.
Dani Mangina.
"Hi, I'm Gina.. MAN-gina."
"My mangina brings ALL the boys to the yard!"
Okay, I'll stop.
Moving right along...
And also, Thea Beaver? No, I didn't thea beaver... did you? Did anyone thea beaver? I haven't theen a beaver in years...
Oh, law... that shit's funny, I don't care who you are.
I'm picturing the Christmas card...
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE PORNSAKS!!
 |
| At least it isn't "Gobbledick"... silver lining? |
Danielle Cobbledick...
No.
 |
| Which is what the Holy Ghost should have worn... yes? |
(I'll wait a moment to see if lightning strikes me...)
Nope. I'm golden. Though I'm sure the devil is currently stoking the fire and sharpening a marshmallow roasting stick with my name on it.
 |
| There are times when even I have no words. |
Danielle Mangina.
Dani Mangina.
"Hi, I'm Gina.. MAN-gina."
"My mangina brings ALL the boys to the yard!"
Okay, I'll stop.
Moving right along...
 |
| Even if their platform was strictly pro-kicking puppies, I'd vote for them. Just because of the awesomeness of saying, "I voted for the Weiner-Beaver ticket..." |
And also, Thea Beaver? No, I didn't thea beaver... did you? Did anyone thea beaver? I haven't theen a beaver in years...
Oh, law... that shit's funny, I don't care who you are.
 |
| If the doctor thing doesn't work, at least he has other options... |
I'm picturing the Christmas card...
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE PORNSAKS!!
 |
| Bwaaahahahahahahahahaaaa!!! I know, I know... Grow up, Dani. |
 |
| Good to know... I won't be turning my back on him then, will I. |
And finally, last but not least even though I could do this all day:
 |
| So THAT's what he does behind the bench all day... |
Share your funny name stories with me, people!!!
I used to process resumes and one came in with a name I will never forget - Analcheree - this was years ago but it still makes me giggle like a 12 year old.
ReplyDeleteI found a grave in an old cemetery that belong to a woman named Mary Anus.
DeleteI wonder if they're related...
I firmly believe that if you can't laugh at this sort of thing, there's something wrong with you.
ReplyDeleteThese are awesome; none of mine even come close to being this good. I think my fav real-life one was the girl in my sister's grade whose last name was Slutsky, and who was actually the biggest slut in the class... I suppose you have to with that name. Close second: 7th grade Spanish teacher named Mrs. Nipolsagi. She insisted we call her "Mrs. N."
I almost died at Nipolsagi.
DeleteFor real.
Oh man. I could give you so many. But I don't have my list with me. That's right....I have a mother loving list. At work.
ReplyDeleteI do remember a couple. There was "Kuntasha" and "Tosaporn." And of course, we can't forget......Manag E Trois. Real name. Yep.
Kuntasha. My God.
DeleteThat may be my new Alias.
Kuntasha Tasaporn. LOVE it.
The poor kid in my class named gaylord. I mean what parents are messed up enough to do that to their kid?? They always put him in fuggly sweaters too.
ReplyDeleteI read a recent study showing that naming trends are going back to Old Lady Names, circa 1920. Vera is on the rise. Vera. I mean, VERA. Really???
DeleteGaylord... truly no excuse for that name. I don't care if every male in your family for the past 600 years has been named Gaylord, that shit needs to stop.
Oooo, Dani is just taunting karma!
ReplyDeleteI went to school with a guy named Brock Lee. Parents can be thoughtless.
Every single part of me hopes he's a vegetarian.
DeleteAnd yeah, Karma is waiting in the wings for my next life, when my name will be Ima Pigg and I'll be super fat. And Karma will be all, "Booyah, Laughing Girl."
I used to work with a woman named Santa Colon (seriously)
ReplyDeleteOMG that's friggin' awesome. "Look, kids! It's SANTA Colon!!"
DeleteI think I'll write that in glitter on my Santa hat this Christmas.
I went to school with a Denimn Dunanm. He was best friends with a guy named Levi. No, really.
ReplyDeleteAnd a friend of mine, whose last name is Smith, apparently was named by her mother, who got up after giving birth, and raced to the desk to fill out the paper work and name her child. The father wanted to name her Mary Chris. Mary Chris Smith.
Twinkle Van Winkle. I worked in leasing for a couple of years. This is a real person's name. Most fan-freaking-tastic name!
ReplyDeleteNaseline Pugh. For real. Naseline Pugh.
ReplyDeleteI have two:
ReplyDeleteSanta Stocking (what's with these Santa names?)
Tia Juana Jones
Oh, and my mom's ob/gyn for years was named Harry Beaver. How awesome is that name for a lady parts doctor?