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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

12 November 2012

A Nipple By Any Other Name...










Confession:

Nothing makes me happier than discovering a person with a truly horrifying name.  It's like Christmas morning, only better.  It's the gift that keeps on giving.  For example, the day I discovered Sybil Nipple's listing in the phone book to this day counts as one of the most joyful moments of my life.

Sybil Nipple, you guys.

Sybil Nipple.

There is a women in California named Sybil Nipple.


How can you not love that?

For years I would put "Sybil Nipple" in the return address section of my envelopes when mailing payments to the power company, the phone company, the cable company, credit card companies...(that was back in the day before online bill paying, in case you're super young and you're going, "Return address?  Mail in payment?  No habla...")

Just knowing I was sharing the joy with a faceless stranger in a mail room somewhere gave me the warm fuzzies.  (I know, right?  I'm a giver, y'all.)







Recently, I came across this:

Best. Headline. EVER.

"Police Say Kermit Butts Is Tied To Boob Murder."






That actually happened.

And the fact that this cracked me up so much is one of the reasons that I am destined to die in a horrible and humiliating butt-related accident.  Because Karma never forgets. 

So after learning of the fascinating case of the Butts-Boob murder, I decided to hit up Google to see what other awesome names existed.  I found the usual suspects:  Dick Trickle (tee heeee), Dick Butkus, every person who has had the misfortune to be named Dick Johnson, etc.


(I had a neighbor once named Dick Cox.  Dan almost wet himself with joy the first time they were introduced, because he may or may not be something of an asshole, like me.  Funny names crack us  up. We can't help it.)


Since laughing at people named Dick is soooo yesterday, I was pleased to find some new names to tickle my funny bone.  You're welcome in advance for sharing these with you:


At least it isn't "Gobbledick"... silver lining?




Danielle Cobbledick...

No.


Which is what the Holy Ghost should have worn... yes?



(I'll wait a moment to see if lightning strikes me...)


Nope.  I'm golden.  Though I'm sure the devil is currently stoking the fire and sharpening a marshmallow roasting stick with my name on it.


There are times when even I have no words.





Danielle Mangina.

Dani Mangina.

"Hi, I'm Gina.. MAN-gina."

"My mangina brings ALL the boys to the yard!"


Okay, I'll stop.

Moving right along...


Even if their platform was strictly pro-kicking puppies, I'd vote for them.  Just because of the awesomeness of  saying, "I voted  for the Weiner-Beaver ticket..."


And also, Thea Beaver?  No, I didn't thea beaver... did you?  Did anyone thea beaver?  I haven't theen a beaver in years...


Oh, law... that shit's funny, I don't care who you are.


If the doctor thing doesn't work, at least he has other options...



I'm picturing the Christmas card...

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE PORNSAKS!!  


Bwaaahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!  I know, I know... Grow up, Dani.



Good to know... I won't be turning my back on him then, will I.


And finally, last but not least even though I could do this all day:


So THAT's what he does behind the bench all day...

                                             

Share your funny name stories with me, people!!!