Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

14 November 2012

The Epic Tale Of Ninja Squirrel

*Author's note:  My computer turned itself off and needed to be rebooted twice in the writing of this blog posting.  Coincidence??  I THINK NOT.

This just in:  Northern New York is being invaded by squirrels in a secret subplot in which those fluffy tailed little bastards take over the world.

I'm totally not kidding.  Take a look outside, people, and see for yourselves:

Those little terrorists are everywhere.

E V E R Y W H E R E.

And they're gunning for you.  They are going to have sex with your boyfriends, knock up your daughters, eat your food, steal your internet, and mock you relentlessly from the tree tops while they do it.

Okay, maybe not, but still... if they could?  They totally would.

It's not enough that I dream about them attacking me at night, or that when I look outside, they're always there... Nibbling on something, looking adorable, laughing at me...

That's right, bitches... SUPER SQUIRREL.

But now?

It's personal.

A few days ago, Dan and I were outside watching our dogs cavort around the yard.  The trees are almost bare right now, the ground is covered with leaves... It's very Tim Burton-esque and it makes me soooo happyyyy.   All in all, autumn has been very kind this year (if you look past the whole Superstorm Sandy incident.  Which I'm not.  I'm just saying in general fall has rocked my socks off).  I'm constantly charmed by the bird life of this area... every time I see a cardinal I practically wet myself with joy.

It's a bird!  And it's RED!  A RED BIRD!!  *SQUEEE!!*

You know what the world needs more of?  Red birds.  

Even though I'm a firm believer that nature belongs OUTSIDE (and I belong INSIDE) I can't help but hope that one day, a cardinal loses a feather so that I can keep it.  (One time, I saw a dead owl on the side of the road.  I was driving my kids to school and in a hurry so I decided to stop on my way home and snag a feather.  You think that's weird?  Well, here's what's even weirder:  SOMEONE ELSE BEAT ME TO IT AND THE OWL WAS GONE WHEN I CAME BACK 15 MINUTES LATER.)

(Shut up.  That's a totally valid thing to wish for.)

Anyway, I have been thrilled beyond belief this year with the changing of the leaves, the bright fall colors, the geese flying overhead (even though they still sound like turkeys to me... at least I've only commented once or twice this year about hearing the turkeys fly south for the winter).  We even had a herd of wild turkeys sauntering through our yard.  (It was awesome.)  This is truly my favorite time of year.  The hideousness of east coast summers has made me even more thankful for the glorious cooling of autumn and all it's trimmings.

Where was I?

Oh yes.

So Dan and I were outside enjoying the brisk fall sunshine while the dogs cavorted through the leaves.  Nonchalantly, Dan pointed upward to the branches of a leafless tree and said casually, "Cool... you can see the squirrels running around up there."

*cue horror film music that implies death, destruction, murder, mayhem, Great White Sharks, and impending doom*

I glanced up nervously and saw...



Me:  "I don't see any squirrels..."

Dan:  *giving me the look he gives me when I say something that is apparently so stupid that it embarrasses him to even know me*  "Dani, they're right there."


Of course they are.

Throughout the afternoon I would occasionally glance up at the trees, expecting to see squirrels wearing frilly little aprons, nibbling on acorns, and living their happy little lives amongst the branches, only to see...


A trickle of anxiety nestled itself in the back of my neck and I began to avoid getting too close to the trees.

You know, just in case a squirrel fell on me.

Dan:  "Oh for God's sake, Dani!  Squirrels don't fall out of trees and land on people!  Pull your head out of your ass!"

So he says.

But still, I remained cautious.

Because here's one of those things I know with absolute certainty:  If a squirrel fell on me, I would freaking die.

For real.

I. Would. DIE.

Being me, as soon as the day passed and I was safely indoors, I promptly forgot about the squirrel threat and went about my business.

As we were watching tv a short time later, Dan pointed to the front porch and said, "Oh how cute!  Look at that!"

Me:  "Look at what?"

Dan:  *in exasperation because I never see what he sees and it's all my fault*   "A squirrel, Dani... look!  On the porch!  Jeez, that's a big one!"

Me:  *looking*  "I don't see anything..."

Dan:  "Oh for God's sake... Well, it's gone now.  It was one of the biggest squirrels I've ever seen!  How could you not see it?"

Me:  *sarcastically*  "I dunno, Dan... maybe it was on a secret mission."

And right that minute, somewhere, in the distance the faint sound of squirrel laughter floated through the evening air.

Me:  "Did you hear that?"

Dan:  *because he's Dan*  "Hear what?  Did you fart?"

*cue sound of obnoxious manly laughter because men never stop thinking that farts are the funniest thing in the world, bar none*

I know for a fact those little bastards were laughing at me.

I made a mental note to be ever alert to the presence of squirrels.  Because they're sneaky.

And dangerous.

And then?

I forgot.

The following day I was hanging out in the yard with the dogs.  Maisy was snorting through the leaves like a little truffle pig, Javi was peeing on every blade of grass he came across, and I was absent-mindedly standing under a tree watching a chickadee bounce from branch to branch and thinking about absolutely nothing.

This is what the inside of my head looked like at precisely that moment:

And that's when it happened.

Suddenly, without any warning, a squirrel came plummeting out of the trees and sailed past my line of vision about four inches away from my nose.


I inhaled so hard I choked on my tongue.

My natural reaction, when something falls from the sky, is to start beating myself on the head because my fear of things landing in my hair is legendary.


(I may or may not have beaten a baby bird to death one time when it fell out of the nest and landed on my head.  I've also killed a leaf a time or two for impersonating a bat landing on my head.  Bottom line?  STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE TOP OF MY HEAD.)

As I stood there panting and hyper-ventilating and slapping myself stupid, the squirrel air-lifted itself off the ground and scampered back up the tree, where it high-fived it's cronies and laughed itself into a pants-wetting asthma attack.

At my expense.


My dogs didn't even pause in their individual pursuits for grass to pee on and leaves to look under to protect me from a squirrel invasion.

Apparently the squirrels have been intimidating my dogs.

Either that or paying them off.  I can totally see Javi accepting a bribe and then strong arming Maisy into going along with it.

I am now ever on the alert.  I know they're out there, and I know they know that I know they're out there.  And they know that I know that they know that I know.

And now YOU know.

Stay safe, my homies.


  1. I came home from choir rehearsal last night to find a notoriously skittish neighborhood cat sitting quietly next to the building looking up. It usually runs as soon as it hears you, but I stood right next to it before it noticed me and jumped into a bush. The thing it was staring at? A HUGE squirrel. Sitting on top of the downspout, waiting for a chance to escape, which my interruption allowed.

    Moral of the story: If you want protection from squirrels, get a cat.

    1. Wait... YOU SING IN A CHOIR????


      What do you sing, pray tell?

      Hark the Harold shut the fuck up?

      Away in a goddamn manger because they didn't have enough common sense to make reservations?

      It came upon a midnight clear and then I got up and went home because I didn't feel like waking up next to this douchebag in the morning?

      On law, I'm cracking myself up here.

      hee hee hee hee heeeee!!

  2. Haha, this is priceless. I work on a campus with a huge squirrel mafia population. Seriously, people feed these things so much they will walk up to you and stare expectantly with their beady little eyes. And if you do nothing, they will keep creeping forward and block your path like the menacing little psychopaths they are.

    Also I teach a Microsoft Word class, and we have a picture of a squirrel in our practice file. One day a woman in class shrieked bloody murder because it turns out sciurophobia is a thing. How she survived her daily encounters with the fluffy rats, I have no idea.

    1. Squirrelaphobia is a real thing?

      I KNEW IT.

      They're dead inside.

  3. A few summers ago, I was at a park about to drive away when I heard a thud on my car. I paused.. Then another thud and a squiggie noise as a baby squirrel slid down my windshield.

    It. Was. Horrifying.

    Being an animal lover, I got out of the car to try to help the little things. That's when Mama Squirrel got mad. I heard a screeching from the trees. When I looked up, there she was... Mama. And she was pissed. Apparently, it was my fault that she threw her babies at me.

    She came screeching down the tree and ran right up to my car and gathered her babies. She brought them back up to her nest.

    I stood there... I couldn't move. When I looked up again, she was totally watching me with her little fist in the air. I'm pretty sure she gave me the finger.

    Moral of the story: Never park under trees. And Never underestimate the power of a Mama Squirrels failed murder on her kids.

    I know for a fact now that squirrels get the Post Partum Depression... Which can only mean one thing... They are clever enough to plot death and destruction. And also steal meds.

    Stay vigilant!



    1. Every single part of that story is terrifying. And totally validates my belief that we will all die and squirrels will rule the earth.

  4. Wait . . . go back. You killed a baby bird???? For shame, Dani. Damn. That's some cold blooded shit right there.

    Methinks the birds and squirrels have teamed up to get revenge for that poor baby bird. The birds distract you while the squirrels attack. Just poor aim on that one squirrels part. Beware, Dani. The are coming for you.

    1. IN MY DEFENSE... I did not know it was a baby bird. I was sitting outside under a tree in my own back yard reading a book while my children played when something solid landed on my head. When something lands on my head? I assume it's a bat. Always. And bats that land on your head have rabies. It's a known fact. So I slapped myself in the head repeatedly with my book while I danced in place screaming. That's when the baby bird fell to the ground, dead as a door knob.

      My children were traumatized.

      We had a funeral and everything.

      It was very sad.

      I narrowly escaped the death penalty.

    2. Ha! I wonder what weird pictures your kids drew at school that week...

  5. I've always said, squirrels are assholes! I'm normally a fan of little fluffertons, but experience has taught me otherwise with these ones.

    1. The cuter they are, the more assholish they are.

  6. Dan is a dirty, damn liar. Squirrels DO fall out of trees and land on people. Happened to me when I was in college. Just walking through the quad minding my own business when.... WHAM! Squirrel fell out of tree, crashed into my shoulder, bounced off, knocked it's asshole self out, twitched on the ground for a minute then ran off. NEVER underestimate a squirrel!

    1. p.s when I lived in CO, a bat totally dive-bombed my head one morning when I was leaving for work. I had just walked out the front door. Of course I had locked the door so I couldn't get back in. Nature hate me.

    2. I with you, sista. I'm pretty sure in a past life I was hideously cruel to nature, because it totally is gunning for me in this one.

      We must never, ever appear in nature together. Bad things would happen.

  7. You need an umbrella hat for when you are,out raking would look so cool and deflect any dive bombing squirrels. A regular umbrella will do whenyoumdon't need your hands, plus it makes a good weapon.

    1. Umbrella hat...

      I think I could start a trend, yes?

  8. You need a fisher cat. One moved into our neighborhood, squirrel population went down almost over night. We are not totally squirrel free, but I don't have them doing a hula dance on my deck anymore, making my dogs go batshit crazy. There are other draw backs to having a fisher cat in your neighborhood, like they WILL take down a dog and will just as soon eat a cat as a squirrel or rabbit, but LESS SQUIRRELS.

  9. As awesome as that sounds, I have two dogs that are smaller than your average cat and about the same size as your average squirrel and I'm pretty sure the trauma of seeing them devoured by a fisher cat would cause me to leap off a bridge.


    Any ideas that don't involve my dogs getting eaten??

  10. We had an "accidental" squirrel as a pet once, for a few months. Totally took over the computer room, because as you know, those little bastards won't stand for staying in a cage, no matter how big.

    First time "Lennie" landed on my head, it did startle me, but i got used to it very quickly, He used to lie down on the top of the computer cabinet and rest his head on his paws like a dog.

    Honest to God true story. Miss you, Lennie.

  11. As sweet as this story is, I'm going to have nightmares from it for weeks.

    Thank you.

  12. Squirrels are surprisingly delicious in a stew. And also very easy to take down with arrows, so you don't go ruining the meat with bullets.

    This is why the squirrels no longer come within a half-mile of my house.



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