Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

04 March 2013

The One With Humpty Dumpty

It happened again today.

For the third time in two weeks.

The first two were epic but not entirely original... I've totally done it before.

But today's?

Today's was legendary.

It looked kind of like this:

Only without skates, a short skirt, or someone else to blame.

And it happened in the parking lot of the busy government building where I work.


There was no way in hell I could casually get back up on my feet and pretend it never happened.


I'm pretty sure I broke something.

I arrived at work with barely seconds to spare (because I function amazingly well under extreme amounts of pressure).  

(No, really... I deliberately run late just to test myself.  It has nothing to do with me procrastinating, lolly-gagging around the house in my sweats drinking coffee until the last possible moment, or the fact that I don't bother figuring out what I'm going to wear until 8 seconds before it's time for me to leave the house.  It's all about honing my reflexes and keeping myself on my toes.  Because I'm an adrenaline junky.  I do this because it's cheaper than sky diving or bungee jumping.)

I grabbed up all my shit (tote bag, purse, phone, coat, super hero cape, Ninja ID card) and leaped out of the car with the total intent of flying across the parking lot like a speeding bullet...

And then?

It happened.

My (adorable suede cowboy) boot clad foot hit a patch of ice that was cunningly covered by innocent looking snow and shot out from under me.  I motored myself forward by making huge windmills with my arms, determined to fight gravity and win.  The propelling motion of my arms caused my coat, my tote, and my purse to fly in three different directions across the parking lot (and it doesn't even bear mentioning that my purse was unzipped and my tote was unfastened, which allowed the contents therein to take their own journey through the time/space continuum).  After an excruciatingly long battle with gravity (which all took place in slow motion) I wiped. the fuck. out.


My right knee made contact with the ice covered pavement at precisely the same moment that my head cracked against the floorboard of my car.  (Yes, my door was still opened.  I am like a whirlwind, I am, when I exit a vehicle 2 seconds before it's time for me to clock in.  You can't even see me, I move that quickly.  All you see is my aura, which is always startled by this phenomena and stays behind for a few seconds thinking, "What the...??")


My foot twisted, my ankle crunched, my head rang, my knee left a crack in the freaking pavement...

(No, seriously.  I landed that hard.)

My first reaction was to scream, "FUUUUCKKKK!" at the top of my lungs as I plummeted to earth.

My second reaction, upon landing, was to start whimpering like a little bitch.

My notebook, papers, ID card, wallet, tampons, keys, and coat all floated down around me, landing conveniently in the few puddles that weren't frozen over.

Jesus wept.

Okay, Jesus probably choked back a snort-laugh combo, because let's face it, that's what people do.

(No?  Just me?)

I, on the other hand, may or may not have wept.

My knee and foot hurt so bad that I just laid where I landed, in an awkward pile of black skull-print leggings, cute black and white tunic, adorable cowboy boots, and a charming scarf, sobbing quietly to myself while various governmental types and lowlifes stepped over me, around me, and through me, glancing at me in that slightly curious yet disgusted way that people use when they check out the suspicious looking carcass lying on the side of the road.

"Is it a cat?  Possum?  Rat? Oh horrors... it's a skunk."

(I didn't hear any laughter, fortunately.  Because if I'd heard laughter, there would have been bloodshed.)

Finally, a terrifying looking dude with a scumstache and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth appeared before me, holding all of my belongings and asking if I was okay.

My hero!

I somehow managed to get back up on my feet, accept my belongings back from Creepy Faux Manson, and limp into the building, while my dignity lingered in the parking lot, hoping no one would notice it had wet it's pants.

I held it together until I was confronted by a woman inside the bathroom (while I was accessing the damages to my person) who had witnessed my shame and inquired as to whether or not I had hurt myself.

Me:  *sniffle sniffle*  *whimper*  *pathetic crybaby face*  "I'm *sniffle* okay.  It just *whimper* hurt when I landed."  *attempt at laughter which instead sounded like a snort-cough combo*

Here's the thing:

I'm sure it's not the first time the world has witnessed a fat girl falling.  Lord knows it isn't even close to the first time the world has witnessed this fat girl falling.

And no doubt it is just as hilarious watching me do it as it has been for me watching others do it.

(Erase that... it can't be true.)

And I'm sure I could have laughed it off, even as my knee bled profusely and all the little bones on top of my foot shattered.

Except that just last week I skidded across the ice while getting out of my father in law's truck after going to dinner.  I didn't hurt myself, but I did drop my doggy bag and all my leftovers fell out and were ruined.

I hate ruining good leftovers.

And the fault may or may not have been mine as I wasn't exactly wearing shoes appropriate for tromping through the ice and snow.

(Actually, that particular fall was one of my more graceful moments... I stepped out of the truck and as my feet hit the ground, both legs slid slowwwwwlyyyyy out in front of me and I landed rather softly on my derrier.  The only damage done was the aforementioned leftovers ricocheting out of the container and landing in yellow snow.  And of course Dan laughing himself into a stroke over the whole incident.)

(Okay, the snow wasn't actually yellow but it might as well have been.  I just can't bring myself to be one of those people who can pick food up off the ground and eat it, no matter how clean you think the surface is.)

THEN the next morning, as I was hauling ass out the door, I slipped in a puddle of water that Dan had spilled on the kitchen floor and didn't bother to wipe up (because he's an asshole... have I mentioned that?) and landed on the same damn knee that I may or may not have broken today.  I also wrenched my back and hurt my wrist, because I'm old and fat and let's face it, I don't bounce any more.

The problem is that I'm beginning to suspect that maybe... just maybe... I'm being punished for laughing overly hard when that adorable actress, Jennifer Lawrence, crashed and burned at the Oscars.

I may or may not have laughed myself into a pants-wetting asthma attack, practically had a seizure, and died.

Coincidentally, my chronic falling began shortly thereafter.  

I'm pretty sure that was meant for me.

Here's what Karma doesn't understand:

I didn't laugh because she fell, per se...  Okay, I totally laughed because she fell because I'm an asshole and that's how I roll... but I also laughed because I know for a fact that the day I win a Major Award that is televised on National TV (Nobel Peace Prize, no doubt), I will absolutely and without a shadow of a doubt fall on my face and land with my dress over my head, my bare ass mooning the world.

Because that will be the day I decide to go commando.

I know this.

I was laughing with her, not at her.

I swear to God.

So back the fuck up, Karma.

And bitches can pack a punch, yo.  


  1. O.M.G.

    Laughing WITH you NOT at you .. DYING!!

    1. I can totally tell you're laughing with me. Totally. Because I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.

  2. Well, obviously you deserve it for making fun of poor Jennifer. LEAVE JENNY ALONE!!

    But really . . . you ok, boo?

    1. I wasn't making fun of her, I was identifying with her. Really. How can you not love someone who falls down in an elegant evening gown while accepting a Major Award that is plated in gold???

      And no, I'm not okay :( I needed assistance getting my undies on this morning. And my shoes.


  3. OMIGAWD!!! I'm dying over here!! DYING!!

    Really though. Now that I've wiped away my tears of mirth. I hope you're okay Hunny. Be careful on that ice. It's some hateful, tricky ass stuff.

    1. Ice is a fucking asshole.

      I'm no longer enamored of icicles. Because they're ice.

      And ice can kiss my ass.

  4. S... Wait... Because I laughed at your story of falling, will I now fall tomorrow?!? Is this some fucked up "pay it forward"thing?!

    We're all screwed.



    1. If at all possible, fall backwards. It makes allllll the difference.

      Trust me on this.

      And yes, if you laugh?

      You're next.

  5. Aw, poor Jennifer Lawrence. She handled it like a pro, though, so good for her.

    I'm sorry you fell and flung your belongings to the four winds, that totally sucks. Please tell me you didn't rip your skull leggings or harm your cowboy boots in the process, because that would be tragic.

    1. My clothing remained intact except for the usual wear and tear that happens when one flings oneself onto the ice.

      And seriously, my boots are adorable. And I totally lied to my husband about my footwear, because he told me not to wear them.

      This will remain our secret.

  6. As someone who falls often and once in front of a group of men, the first time I ever wore a skirt to work...I can totally sympathize. My skirt literally flew up and I lost a shoe, as I slid like I was sliding into home base. I hope to God I pulled my skirt down quick enough... LOL That's probably my most humiliating fall, but I've had many. Fallen off my porch 3 times and down my grandmother's steps twice. So yeah...I can feel your pain. Literally.

    1. I wish I could say this was my most humiliating fall but alas?

      It's not even in the Top 10.


      Thank you for sharing your Moment Of Shame... I needed to hear it.


  7. I took an epic fall at the check-out line at the only Trader Joe's in town a couple of years ago and haven't returned there since. I was pushing the cart (loaded with my groceries) to leave when the heel of my new, very cute shoe got tangled up with the other one and both legs buckled under me. I held on to the cart for support, but because I'm a freakin whale, the cart fucking TIPPED over me! I hit the ground and as I look up a half-a-second later all I see are my groceries raining over me. It was like the world was telling me, "oh, wait, you're not humiliated enough, here, let's just pummel you with veggies and boxes of pasta." Of course, my teen daughter stood off to the side like she had NO CLUE who this idiot on the ground was.


    1. Oh Elki. I've never loved you more.


      You have mastered a fall that I've never even attempted. You are like the Houdini of Falling.

      Kudos, babe. Also? You totally made me laugh so hard I may or may not have almost peed.

  8. Hahaha I wiped out magnificently a couple of times on my college campus, I recall. It's why I won't visit.

  9. I can fall standing still. If anything throws me off balance, like a small boulder under my shoe or the edge of a sidewalk or in one fabulous circumstance, on the jetway getting onto a plane where the edge of my foot slid off this little lip where there was a three inch wide CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION yellow and black stripe specifically FOR this purpose I imagine, if anything like that happens, it is like that last piece has been pulled in Jenga and the entire structure collapses in a spectacular heap. On the jetway the bottle of water I was holding was flung from my hand like a torpedo. It may or may not have taken out several people in front of me.

    I fell once right in front of my grocery store, betrayed by the fancy new shoes I was wearing and the uneven graded surface that was designed to keep people from slipping, but is treacherous for those with ankles that roll over like a submissive dog asking for belly rubs. My purse exploded all over, things flying everywhere. It was AWESOME.

    It is karma in action for sure because I find people falling down, however it happens, HILARIOUS. I cannot stop myself. I LAUGH. My son thinks falling down is hilarious, and does it whenever possible. He is taking ice skating lessons now. It is like watching the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz on skates. If only he can use this talent to support me in my dotage.


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