Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

06 December 2011

My dirty little secret...

*Author's note:  DON'T JUDGE ME.

Okay, this is really embarrassing.  

Remember how I'm unemployed?  And have been since moving to New York?

And how I don't have any money?

And it sucks?

Keeping all that in mind, I decided to try my hand at...

Dildo Sales.

I signed on to be a Passion Parties consultant.  I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm friendly, I'm personable, I have NO boundaries whatsoever... why not sell dildos to women ages 18 and older?  And while I'm at it, discuss them frankly and openly and do it all while drinking things like Screaming Orgasms and Hot Wet Pussies?"


I could do that.

I could totally do that.

Who the fuck needs to rely on their college education when dildos come in every color?

So I ordered the Passion Parties kit (read:  giant box of dildos), got my business cards printed up (Hey ladies... for a good time call Dani) and sat back and waited for the calls to come rolling in so I could make lots of money in the Sex Toy Industry.

I even made a website, which you can look at here.  (Feel free to order, by the way.  Everyone should get a candy cane vibrator in their Christmas stocking.  EVERYONE.)

That was in May.

It is now December.

I have had a grand total of 8 hits on my website and sold...


I am a failure as a dildo salesman.

(Trust me... nothing says "failure" like no one in the world wanting to purchase your vibrators.)

Sitting in my bedroom, pushed against the wall, gathering dust, creating a conversation piece (Dan:  "What are you going to do about that stuff?"  Me:  "I dunno...") and covered with shoes, purses, sweaters, scarves, and other things I don't feel like hanging up and putting away, is a giant crate filled with unwrapped sex toys, lubes, lotions, and even a sex pillow.  

So I've decided to try a new marketing strategy.  Listen to the video below and then scroll back up and check out my website.  

Otherwise, guess what everyone is getting from me for Christmas?

Merry Christmas, MOM!

Seriously... help me prove my mother right...  Say, "We're soooo disappointed in you..." (Now sigh, like you expected nothing else, and then check out my website and give yourself something special for the holidays.)


  1. As your awesome Sponsor, I fully expect the smart ass readers of this blog to log on and order something that buzzes. You can all thank us later.
    PS...the more orgasms you have, the more you want! If you want to want to screw your husband, get masturbating!

  2. I thought I didn't have anyone on my list who fit this category, but then remembered the woman's house I clean at...the one where I sucked up her restraints from the bed post in the vacuum cleaner hose, yeah, maybe her!!!

  3. "Host a party" definitely sounds like "have an orgy."

  4. Do you have Lelos? I didn't see any Lelos. I REALLY want a Lelo, but I guess I can settle for glass. Or a riding crop. Have any double locking spreader bars? Have I volunteered way too much information about my proclivities?

  5. I just went to my first Passion Party on Saturday, it was a riot. Did you host parties? I think you would make an awesome dildo peddler.

  6. Having read Paula's Passion Party post first, I will have to say that maybe the secret to your success in the world of, um, adult toys, is having an actual rubber dildo pit in the middle of the living room.

    Don't you agree?

  7. I love your blog :) You write some really funny stuff, plus I love the pictures/cartoons you use. I can't remember how I stumbled across your site, but I'm glad I did!

    p.s. I went to a passion party when I was like 17 and it scarred me for life, so sorry, can't help you out there.

  8. Rubber dildo pit...



    BRILLIANT! And now I need to read Paula's post!!

    (Great minds, apparently, think about dildos on Tuesdays. Word.)

    Kristen... thank you! I think it's time to go to another one, however. Just because. I mean, I hated mushrooms when I was 17 and now I love them. Just sayin'. <3

  9. I'm at work so I can't click your dildo website, but I totally would if I could.

  10. Man, what is it with all the dildo posts? Granted, I'm playing catch up on my blog reading, but first Paula, now you. Jeesh.

    I, of course, cannot see any of this stuff at work. Sadface.

    You need to find a lady. Just one. To host a party for you. Then, do an awesome job and get some of the other ladies at her party to host. And BAM. It will go from there. You just gotta find that ONE.


I'm a total comment whore... Leave me a message after the beep. *pause* *pause* *pause* BEEP!