No, not that.
I recorded an episode of Strange Sex that came on too late for me to stay up and watch it because (and this is the part where all the shame comes in) it was about the man with the World's Biggest Penis.
I had to watch it.
I just had to.
I mean, seriously.... IT WAS ABOUT THE MAN WITH THE WORLD'S BIGGEST PENIS.
Jonah Falcon, Average White Boy and Shlong Owner Extraordinaire, is equipped with a legendary penis of epic proportions. This, my dear people, is reality television programming at it's finest.
Move over, Tyra... Jonah Falcon's in town and he's packing heat.
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| Have you seen my wiener? |
I did the Dance of the Shameless into the livingroom this morning and with gleeful anticipation, watched the hell out of the Giant Peener episode of Strange Sex.
A few things stuck with me:
1. Homeboy has a 13.5" pecker.
2. Sadly, he has a face only a mother could love.
3. He looks like a potato with a giant penis.
4. I really want to see what a 13.5" peener looks like.
5. DON'T JUDGE ME.
I totally had to google that shit.
Imagine my disappointment when this is all that came up:
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| If I had a giant peener, I'd wear bright yellow leggings, too. |
Okay, I get it.... obviously, judging by all the lumps and bulges in his very unflattering pants, he's packing something. But come on, it could be anything. I could achieve that same disgusting outline with a variety of objects.
For example:
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| Grow little glow worm.... I mean, GLOW... |
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| I honestly can't think of any other use for this. I just can't. |
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| Water Weenies!! The phallic shaped toy that is fun for the whole family! Now take it out of your pants!! |
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| I call your 13" pecker and raise you one oddly shaped random child's toy... |
Being the far sighted search engine that it is, however, Google included this handy chart in it's images of Jonah Falcon and his Enormous Shlong:
| Uh huh... Uh huh... *nodding head* NOW I see it.... |
Well, that's a load off MY mind.
Though it's not looking good for Average Man.
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| Take that, Average Man. |
Hey, Ron Jeremy is one ugly ass mofo, and he got along just fine in the adult film industry. So clearly, dude has a face for porn, and the penis to match.
ReplyDeleteVery true. This guy doesn't do porn, though.
DeleteYeah.. HOLY SHIT. That can't be comfortable. EVER.
ReplyDeleteRight??? They said that if he ever fully inserted himself into a va-j-j he would "shatter the cervix."
DeleteInstant visual of being in traction and having someone say "Why are you in a body cast, Mrs Geer?"
"Shattered cervix...."
Hmmmm. Well.....yeah I got nuthin' except maybe Heidi-of-the-vagina-blogs can find him a woman with a mongo snatch to match??
ReplyDelete"The Vagina Blogalogues"... bwaahahahahaaa!
DeleteWell, John Dillinger's was reputedly 20". Which makes Jonah's...meh.
ReplyDeleteAnd anyway, ow.
Riiiiilllyyyyyy... a 20" Johnson?
DeleteAlso, if 13.5 is the biggest in the world, should I assume that Long Dong Silver is dead???
It makes me wonder 2 things:
ReplyDelete1. How many men did they have to go around and measure to come to this conclusion?
2. Is that 13.5 hard or soft? LOL!
I also wonder why he has a frightening fascination with wearing leggings....*puke* :(
Ok, I'm sorry, but that phallic toy is so wrong. But I laughted SO HARD when I saw it. (See what I did there?). ;)
ReplyDeleteIf I saw that thing coming towards me, I would run screaming. Hell, I don't even have "average man" in my life, so that would seriously freak me the hell out! Damn. What would happen, ya think, if he was actually attractive? How many damaged cervixes would they be treating in those hospitals, hmmm?
And where is the episode of the woman with the largest vag? They need to do a matchmaking ep with those two.