Strange Sex

So last night I got sucked into a Strange Sex marathon.

Which isn't nearly as dirty (or exciting) as it sounds.

(*Sidebar for my children, who I'm pretty sure avoid my blog like the Plague, but just in case they happened to stumble upon this one:  It's okay, you can read this.  Mommy didn't have Strange Sex.  She's still a virgin and you are all three still the products of Divine Intervention and Immaculate Conception.  I promise.)

Don't tell your dad.

Where was I?

Oh yes, Strange Sex.

While Strange Sex can indeed be an activity, in this instance it's a show on some channel that I happened to be watching.  

It all started with an episode of Hoarders.

All through the show, they kept showing previews of Strange Sex.

There's only so many times that you can see titillating previews of couples engaging in bizarre sexual practices before you totally take the bait and decide you have to watch.

Right?

*cough*

First there was the one where the guy had such a severe case of priapism that he had to have his peener amputated.

(Priapism, just to save you the trouble of googling, is when you have an erection that won't go away.  It's a painfully hard topic to discuss...)

Dan left the room screaming shortly after that episode began.

(I, on the other hand, was fascinated.)

There was one about a girl with two vaginas, a couple who had genital piercings galore (I'm kind of dying to post a photo here but I won't), and a man who invented a device to re-grow his foreskin because he determined that circumcision had ruined his sex life.

And then, there was the episode that changed my life:

Feeders.

A morbidly obese woman (we're talking a 600 pounder) was involved in a sexual relationship with what was actually a really good looking man who... get this...

got turned on by feeding her.

This is a real thing, you guys!!!

I have no words.

I knowwwwww, riiiight???!!!

HOW COME I CAN'T FIND GUYS LIKE THAT??

This is the part that totally got me:

Gorgeous hunky boyfriend goes to work and fat girl stays home and works on achieving her goal of weighing 1000 lbs.

THAT'S HER JOB.

EATING IS HER JOB.

She works hard for the money...

Do you know how many times I've said the exact words, "I've been eating like it's my job lately..."???

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I WOULD ROCK AT THAT JOB?

I would be Employee of the Month, every month.  And Fatty Biznitch would have to up her game because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have to work that hard to weigh 1000 lbs.

Truest fucking story ever told, yo.

I'm trying to imagine Dan's reaction if I informed him, "I know you will support me in my decision to quit looking for an actual paying job and just take this time to achieve my goal of weighing 1000 lbs."

I'm pretty sure it would look something like this.

Don't get me wrong, I've never wanted to weigh 600 lbs.  The idea of having to step on a livestock scale to find out how much I weigh is a huge deterrent for me.  There would be no way in freaking hell that I would mingle amongst the prize heifers waiting for my turn on the giant scale.  

No.

Just... no.

(It's along the same lines of why I won't ever commit a heinous crime... the idea of peeing in a stainless steel toilet in the middle of a room keeps me on the right side of the law.  I will never weigh 600 lbs because I refuse to have to go to a feeder lot to get weighed.)

However, I would stand in line with a group of fat girls waiting for a hunk to feed me a cookie.

Fatty wants finger foods..

I went to bed last night blissfully dreaming of gorgeous men encouraging me to eat just one more bite...

Come on, sexy... you can do it...

I'm sexy and I know it...

Take it alllll, bitch...

*Sigh*

Then it got confusing....

WTF???!!!

I HATE it when a good dream suddenly goes bad...