Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

18 June 2012

Fatty Gets A Clue

After a long weekend of pina coladas, barbecue, and Olive Garden, I'm once again sucking in my stomach to button my Fat Pants and trying not to picture myself riding on a Motorized Scooter for Fatties because the distance between my couch and the toilet is getting too far to walk.

As I was gearing up to give myself a pep talk about how "You're not THAT fat... yet..." the commercial for Lipozene suddenly appeared on my tv.  (You know, the one where the blonde woman comes on and asks, "Are you... overweight?" with the same look of disgust and shocked tone one would use while asking, "Did you... fart?")  

She then follows that delicate question by asking if you've considered "drastic measures" to lose weight, like liposuction or surgery. 

Then she talks about the horrors of being 20 lbs overweight... or even more.

And I'm all, in my head, thinking "Oh dear Lord... not 20 lbs or more!!  Surely NO one is MORE than 20 lbs overweight because that would be ghastly and practically unheard of!!"

I ended that conversation in my head with, "You stupid bitch."  (Her, not me.)

Then an angry former fatty comes on and speaks heatedly about how you "CAN'T do it by yourself, you just CAN'T"  and encourages everyone to "order the pills NOW.  Don't wait, don't try dieting, don't try exercise, just pick up the phone and call!!!"  You won't have to change your eating habits, you don't have to exercise, all you have to do is take this pill.  

She's so pissed off while she's issuing these instructions that I feel kind of scared, like if I don't shove fat burning chemical into my body, she's going to show up and kick my ass.

Which I kind of hope she will, because I have a few before and after photos to show her, of how I not only CAN, but DID do it myself.

"Say whaaaa?"  you ask.

Okay, here's the thing:

I know I post a lot of humorous photos on my blog and make horrible comments about People of Walmart and spend a great deal of time making fun of fatties.  Some people find me horribly insensitive, mean, or even hypocritical...

Because I used to be really, really fat.

Even more than 20 lbs overweight.

(I know, right?  *gasp*)

In Real Life, at one time I was 100 lbs overweight.  Between depression, frustration, fear, and inability to change certain really terrible things that had happened in my life, as an adult and after I had kids, I ate my way up the scale to the point where the Lipozene Lady would have most likely dragged my fat ass out to pasture and just had me shot.

Instead, I put my fat ass on a healthy weight loss plan and in two years time, I lost over 100 lbs.

By myself, Lipozene Lady.  That's right, you heard me... No surgery, no pills, no drastic measures.  It's actually as easy and as difficult as smaller portions, healthier food choices, and getting off your ass and exercising.

This is Dan and me on our wedding day in 2005.

This is me exactly one year later, after losing 80 lbs... without Lipozene, bitch.

I kept the weight off for almost six years.  Then slowly but surely, with the stress of packing up our shit and moving from California to New York, being homesick, sad, and unemployed, I've been not-so-gradually re-fatting at the speed of light.  (Two years to  lose it, two weeks to gain it back... how the hell is THAT fair??)

Part of the time I'm really furious with myself, because I know exactly what I'm doing wrong, and yet I keep doing it.

Me, on the couch this morning.  

And I also know that all the fat melting pills in the world are not going to fix my Fatty Brain or stop me from eating when I'm depressed, frustrated, scared, or so stressed I can barely stand myself.  (Which is pretty much most of the time lately.)

I don't care if a pill kills my hunger... I don't need to be hungry to eat.  (Sad but true.  I just have to be awake to eat.)

I don't care if a pill melts the fat out of all the food I shove into my mouth and then shoots it out my ass (Dear Alli,  This One's For You...) There is literally no part of me that wants to shit myself to death just so I can still eat a Big Mac.

I don't want to take the easy way or find a magic pill.

(I know, right?  WTF am I saying??)

I actually want to change my mindset so that WHEN Life throws me a curve ball (which it will... over and over and over again) I don't eat my weight in bread.  I want to be able to say, "Dani... instead of sitting down with a cube of butter and a loaf of bread, how about you go take the dogs for a walk?  It'll actually make you feel just as good as the bread and butter does, but won't go straight to your ass" and then actually do it.  (It always sounds like such a fabulous idea in my head but I suck at the follow-through.)

No, really... is it??

ANYWAY... mixed in with all this rambling is a promise I'm making to myself today, in front of my 12 followers:

I am going to stop myself now, before it gets so out of control that I have to lose that damn 100 lbs all the fuck over again.

And all y'all are going to have to suck it up and read about it a lot, because I literally have nothing else to do other than keep you posted on my successes/failures/foodcravings/fatness/thinspirations.

(Also?  If one person says, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" to me, I will cut a bitch.  Trust me on that.  I have lists of things that taste way the hell better than thin feels.  Also?  I fucking hate "Fatitudes", those idiotic motivational sayings that are supposed to make me grab an apple instead of a bag of chips.  I'll grab the apple instead of the bag of chips, but I'm not going to do it happily.  Trust me on this.)

(Also?  If I wake up tomorrow morning and am missing 12 followers, I'll know why.)

Look out world, here I come.


  1. As I sit here on my fat ass, eating my lunch of twizzlers and diet Pepsi....I applaud you lady. Maybe us 12 followers here can help each other out. You know, I will send you a photo of my favorite fatover on my knee and you can commiserate with me and then we can encourage each other to move away from the computer and take a walk!

    1. Oooh... I'll trade you back fat for knee fat!!! I'm all about supporting each other. I couldn't have done it the first time without support from Fellow Fatties. Truest story ever.

  2. Dani - the I'm going to cut a bitch comment...dying here!!! I hate that quote "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" because if that was true the 50 pounds I've gained and lost and gained and lost wouldn't have happened!! Egg rolls and chocolate cake taste pretty damn good!!
    I'm with you girl. I've started using I love it. Very much like WW but it's free!! I used to love reading your blog during your 80 pound loss. It was very motivating because when it comes to weight loss (and size) we are similar... :). Good luck!

    1. Thanks love!! I've heard a lot about MFP and know several people who are using it and love it a whole lot. I need to sign on and get bizzy, ya know?

      We can do it!!!!


  3. Good post!

    a re-re-re-fatted follower

  4. I loved this post! When are people going to realize that the "American" way of the easy way out is really no solution whatsoever. I have a cousin who has had the gastric bypass...TWICE. 'Cause they treated her fatty self, but not her fatty brain and behaviors.

    I am about 50 pounds overweight. I work out and eat healthy, and if I want ice cream I have some. I would like to lose like 20 pounds but I'm not going to punish myself if I don't. I know I stress eat. I just try and recognize that before it happens and work out or phone a friend instead. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

    It was brave of you to post those before and after pictures. You are stunning in both. I hope you achieve all of your goals and maintain a weight where you're happy with your body. That's really what I hope for everyone.

    1. All the surgery in the world can't fix fatty brain. It just can't. I know several people also who have had GBS and then re-fatted to an even higher weight, because we don't get fat because we're hungry.

      At least I don't. I'm rarely actually reallyyyyyy hungry.

      I eat because it's time, or because it's there, or because it sounds good, or because I'm sad, or mad, or stressed, or tired, or happy, or whatever. But hunger is not usually the reason.

      I want hunger to start being the reason.

  5. Oh god. I am on the refatting plan. But I am currently stuck at this one number and I am the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life, bar pregnancy, and I'm seriously approaching max pregnancy weight!! Ahhhhhhh!!! I have to do something, and it's not like I don't know what to do, because I have also lost lots of weight before. It just seems to get so much harder as I get older. Yep, that's a total excuse, but it's a trufe. I have started thinking I need to just starve myself for a bit to just knock myself off this certain weight, then try to be healthy. I know starving isn't the way, damnit, shut yo fool mouth. I FUCKING KNOW. It's not the knowing. It's the doing. Fuck it. Let's do this shit, together. Damn you if you lose 80 lbs and I gain it though. I'll find you. It will take me a while cuz I'll be the size of a house, but one day when you are least expecting it, bam! I will fall right on top of your skinny ass!! :p

    1. Ugh... I feel ya. I really do. I'm almost 50, with hypo-thyroid... fat just clings to my body like I'm it's long-lost mother. When I did the juice fast a couple of months ago I had visions of dropping extreme tonnage, because I was being sooooo gooooood and only consuming 1,000 in fruit and vegetable smoothies every day.

      In one week, I lost 3 lbs.

      What a fucking disappointment. And all the juice fast did was make me super happy to eat solid food again.

      Let's do it, girl. I mean it. I refuse to become so fat I need a wall removed from my house and someone has to hire a double-wide ambulance and a crane to get my fat ass to the Dr. Phil Show.

      And with Bob as my Witness, I won't let it happen to you, either.


  6. I think you can do it. Possibly, if you're like me in this regard, you'll do it just to stick it to the companies of pills and powders and staples and bands, and the fad diet books and the exercise crazes. Or not, because you might not be that vindictive toward inanimate things. . . .Either way, you can do it. Getting all life-changy and such.

    1. I'm never vindictive. Never.

      And I plan on getting all Life-Changy because I don't want to be the fattest person at all the family functions. Because I'm very unselfish like that.

  7. Loved this blog Dani. Amy and I recently decided to stopped paddling in the river of denial. We are starting slowing and just making improvements where we can for now.

    Ed aka Ed-Amy Manzano

    1. Thanks, Ed!! We can all re-thin together. Not that the refatting hasn't been fun ;) But yeah... it's time.

  8. My problem is not eating too much (I have to force myself to eat - I once went 3 weeks without eating solid foods, just ensure and wine. That didn't go over too well (13 days in the hospital). I lost about 80 lbs but have gained 40 of that back over the last 2 years.

    1. I now think I might try the Ensure and Wine Diet, only without the hospitalization in the end.

      And replace the wine with vodka.

      Actually, once I get back into the swing of smaller portions and healthier choices, it stops being so difficult. It's just getting to that point that is difficult.

      Good luck to you!!

  9. I'll always be your follower, I'm devoted to your sense of humor and your honesty. I'm also afflicted with Fatty Brain.

    Cheering you on, always!

    1. I lurve you, Jo!! And thank you.

      Yeah, Fatty Brain is the biggest bitch in this relationship. We need to take her down.


  10. GOOD FOR YOU!!! I find it really upsetting that so many people turn to quick fixes instead of doing what's right for their bodies.

    I too lost a bunch of weight (not as much as you but enough to feel proud) and have watched it begin to creep back up. I just started The Routine, as I like to call it, today.

    In fact, my husband just recently lost 60 lbs with diet and exercise, and NO PILLS!! (And I gained like 15. Jerk.)

    Anyway... YOU CAN DO IT!!! :o)



  11. I quit Dr Pepper, started drinking tea, very weak tea with pink sweetener. Having a new frig with an ice and water dispenser makes life so much easier. I am starting to get busier with air conditioners, so some days are very busy and very hot. I love it, but I do miss my dog.

  12. Boy, do I understand the "I'm not that fat" rationale. Except all of a sudden I am. I don't have much to lose but it will be absolutely the last time I put myself through this shit. Seeing a dietician is working, surprisingly, since I am too stubborn to accept help usually. That's my tip, among the many you will get on your de-fativate journey. And, it is REALLY hard to lose weight after menopause, I mean really fucking hard. Bear that in mind.

  13. I am doing this with you...
    Two years ago, I was 100 pounds over my ideal weight (which I don't put any stock in, but that's another story) and eighty pounds over my feel-great weight (where I felt the healthiest in my life). I decided to make a few changes to what I eat and just a bit of exercise, because I wanted to trick my body into thinking that this is the new normal-- that I wasn't doing anything dramatic. It worked. I lost 35 pounds over the course of that first year. And while I did plateau (and haven't had the chance to overcome that do to the craziest, most stressful year during the second year) I've kept the weight off and finally feel like I'm in a place to continue on. I'd like to lose the next 45 pounds over the course of another year.

  14. You are one awesome empowered woman (with a killer sense of humor), and I am psyched to hear about your journey to kick ass!

  15. The most detestable phrase on the planet is that feckin' "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" bullshit. Wanna BET?!

    I've been yo-yo-ing for the past two years, and it's driving me insane. Maintenance fatigue + post-menopausal = a real rat bastid. I need to get my mojo back and mean it this time. Screw GBS, I want FBT. Fatty Brain Transplant (or at least fix my ding-damn broken "Off" switch, yanno?). My idea of a grand old time is intensive carbo-loading while living on the sofa and sippin' on chocolate vodka.

  16. How I loathe Fatty Brain. Mine insists that all the healthy, wonderful changes will start on Monday so better indulge until then, proclaimed on Tuesday...every week.
    I am trying not to be too vile to myself about the re-fatting, but I am pissed that stupid Fatty Bitch Brain ( the opposite of BFF) took over for a while. Well, two years.
    Knowing you as well as I do (from lurking and obsessively reading but rarely commenting) I look forward to reading how you beat FBB into submission. Maybe we can all complain about how awful it is together, while simultaneously shedding pounds and getting noticed on the street by a top modeling agency for being so damn svelte and stunning.

  17. I've been saying all of these same things to myself for a couple of weeks. I was down to a size 10 and maintaining no problem and all of a sudden I'm back in the few 16's i didn't give away. No idea what happened (that's a lie. Beer and ice cream happened).
    I know how to eat right. I know how to get off my ass. But tonight when my daughter said "hey let's take the dogs for a walk" I literally sat on the front porch, drank a beer and thought about it for awhile.
    We went for the walk, I almost died, and now I'm grilling chicken for dinner. One step at a time, right? Ughhhhh. There are TONS of things that taste better than skinny feels. Assholes.

  18. I have FBB issues too - but I have changed my mind over eating something based on what I saw for the nutrition on My Fitness Pal. And it helps. Not much sometimes, but it does help.

  19. Good for you, Girl!! I think most of us women struggle with getting down to and/or maintaining a healthy and comfortable weight. And I think it DOES get harder when pre-menopausal hormones go nuts on ya. (Or maybe it's just me.)

    Not to give unsolicited advice, but just remember to take it slow. Diets don't work. Make healthy choices and small changes you can stick with, and then build on those.

    And I agree with the comment about MyFitnessPal... it's a wonderful tool to help keep track of what you're putting in your body. Really helps keep me honest too, and also allows me to know when I have room to splurge! (Gotta indulge now and then!)

    Good luck to you! You can do it!

  20. I love you, you know I love you. And you've done the whole liquid diet thing for and with me. However (I may be excommunicated here)- I can not, will not and I steadfastedly (is that even a word??)refuse to diet with you. I know, I'm sorry :( but I think over the past few years I've been denied real food long enough and I'm going to eat what I can. I know you understand. However, I'll add some spinach leaves and some cabbage to my fruit smoothies and drink an extra one for you so that you can live vicariously through me! Your welcome. Because I'm a giver too, y'all! Love- your wonderful, fantastic, awesome niece@

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