Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

14 June 2012

The one you probably shouldn't read....

*I apologize in advance for this blog posting.  It's pointless, in the sense that it literally has no point, but I wrote the damn thing and now I feel obligated to publish it.  Plus I have to go grocery shopping and then I plan on having a few cocktails after that to help me recover from this hideously traumatic day, so I won't have time to write another one.

Go with God, my friends.  

And don't judge me.

Also?  Thanks to my friend Jenifer Stewart for saving me humiliation by pointing out my incorrect spelling of the word "their."  Dear Lord, that would have been catastrophic.

People take their lawn mowing very seriously around here.

Like, very seriously. 

Almost like it's their job, which I know for a fact it isn't.  Because if it was their job, there would be more jobs available for me because everyone else in town would be making their living by mowing their own lawns.

There is a part of me that really hates them for it.

Who would hate someone for mowing their yard, you are probably thinking.

I would, that's who.

It isn't so much the fact that they want tidy yards... I can get on board with that.  Just do it when I'm not home, okay?  I mean seriously... You have 50 square feet of yard.  Why does it take you four hours to mow it?


I had to mow a yard three times that size when I was a kid, up hill, 10 miles both ways, in the snow.  


And then rake it and bag it, because we were so poor we didn't even have a fancy mower with one of those bag thingies that attach to the back that collect all the grass.

And our parents didn't love us enough to get a gardener.  They didn't see any reason why my sister and I couldn't do it.

And even when I listed all the reasons (of which there were many... MANY... most of which involved interfering with my tanning schedule) they still suggested I get my behind out into the back yard and start mowing.

And by "suggested" I mean I didn't have a choice.

Meanwhile, the noise is so fucking irritating that I'm super close to popping a cap in someone's ass, if only I weren't fanatical about gun control and actually owned a sniper rifle.

I do, however, own people who own sniper rifles... ponder, ponder...

One thing I have learned, from all this goddamn lawn mowing, is that those things they're riding on that mow lawns are not called lawn mowers.

Oh no, my friends.

They are garden tractors.

And if you make the mistake of calling it a lawn mower, you will be promptly corrected and then shunned for life, due to your obvious lack of concern for proper lawn care.

You will be stoned to death in the town square for calling it a lawn mower.

And while they're correcting my incorrect assumption that if it mows lawn, it's a lawn mower, all I'm thinking is:


Here I am, unemployed, with nothing better to do than DVR countless reruns of Dr. Phil on OWN, and I can't even hear it because from 8 in the morning until 5 in the evening, the morning crew is out trimming the grass with the engine power that is the equivalent of one pissed off teen-age girl that would rather be slathering herself with Tropical Tan and laying by the pool, but who am I to judge?

Then from 5 in the evening until 10 at night, they all haul out their chain saws and build shit.

Or maybe they're weed eating, I don't know.  I just know I get so sick of the sound of power tools that it makes me stabby.

I'm all sitting in my house screaming, "WOULD YOU JUST HAVE A FUCKING BARBECUE, OR SOMETHING QUIET, FOR GOD'S OWN SWEET SAKE??  JEEEEZUS!!"  and Dan's all, "What the fuck is your problem?  I love the smell of fresh cut grass..."

Oh, just BITE ME.

I like the smell of fresh cut barbecue, okay?  GOD.  Is that so wrong??  Plus it makes NO NOISE.

My landlord has been driving his lawn tractor around my apartment for the past three hours.  He has on headphones, which I'm about to rip off of his head so that I can wear them, and has mowed the same stretch of grass at least four times.  

Four times.

Is there some fancy lawn mowing contest going on that I don't know about?

See?  I had no idea it was such a big deal.


I've seen people driving their riding mowers to the Big M.

No, I'm not kidding.

They park them right next to the Amish buggies.

(Meanwhile, the horses are laughing at them.  They're all, "Dude... seriously?  You drove your garden tractor to the store to pick up another six pack?"  Or maybe that's just me laughing at them. I seriously thought it was the horses.)

Because apparently, after a hard day of sitting on your ass mowing your yard, you're too exhausted to get into your car and drive to the store.

Or something.

Or maybe all the cool kids drive their lawn tractors and I'm the big weirdo in the CAR and I don't even know it.

Maybe you burn off more calories sitting on a riding mower than you do sitting in your air conditioned car.

I hate not being in the loop.

It's like when all the other kids got to wear Ditto's jeans to school and my mother bought me some cheap knock-offs from Sears or Penney's.  They just weren't the same.

Also?  I started my period in those light blue fake Dittos while at school, thank you very much, and no one told me.

No one starts their period in light blue real Dittos, Mother.  

That's kind of how I felt sitting in my car at the Big M, surrounded by buggies and garden tractors.

I just sat there and waited to start my period.


  1. If you had bought the mondo box of pads at Costco, you wouldn't have started your period, ya know. That's just how that works.

    Plus, you could use two of them on either side of your head as earmuffs to block the mowing sounds. Win/win!

    1. I've used them to wrap a cut when I couldn't find bandaids and had one attached to my butt the time I sat on the steak knife and had to go to the emergency room, but I've never used them as ear muffs... Hmmm.

      Do they have Costco in NY??

      You may find me buying the mondo pack yet, even though I'm sure that if I do, I will start menopause THE VERY NEXT DAY.

      Which actually, in hind sight, would be totally worth it.

  2. I remember having a bit of a grudge against the single guy a few doors down who had time to mow his lawn twice in opposite directions while I was trying to corral and entertain my kids. I just wanted him to come play catch while I zoned it on yard work for awhile!

    1. Stupid single guy... he should have been able to figure that out for himself.

  3. My friend's husband is obsessed with their grass. And not the Funny Grass... His lawn. I mock him like crazy. Non-stop. Especially after a good rainfall. He always gets a pissy at me. But I'm all "you have this coming. and if not from me, then your neighbors. I say this because I care... and it makes me laugh... at your expense."

    Oddly enough, he doesn't talk to me much anymore. I. Win.



    1. OMG that sounds like my husband's family. It's all about the lawn. My father in law is Hank Hill, I'm not kidding. He even has a special house built for his lawn tractor.

      And the lawn tractor HAS A NAME.

      But he still talks to me, even though I can't seem to shut up about it.

  4. I hear ya. Inconsiderate people suck.
    Just moved to a house with 4 acres of yard surrounded by 4 acres of woods. With the lack of neighbors, I often consider doing the yard naked, but I'm afraid of where those grass clippings might end up...
    Hang in there. Winter's got to come eventually.

    1. Grass is organic, yes?

      Imagine your ob/gyn's surprise at finding grass... there.

      It could be a special treat.

  5. This past weekend I was sick in bed and I just wanted to sleep and get rid of my headache...or rip my head off if that was possible lol. Anyway, EVERY SINGLE neighbor decided to mow their lawn that day, or at least that's what it sounded like. I think i'd have rather they all mowed their lawns all at once within a couple of hours, but no, it was all day of hearing the mowers. Plus, it's 180 degrees outside, who in their right mind is out mowing? Apparently none of my neighbors are sane either. So I thought, if they're going to keep me up the least they could do is mow my lawn too.

  6. OMG you totally get me...

    You should be very afraid.

  7. I love how psychotic you are. And I mean that as a compliment...cuz I'm psychotic too. I hate hate hate people that spend hours mowing a lawn. Seriously, it's grass. Cut that shit and call it a day. So much noiiiiiiiise. I usually pray they fall off their riding mower and get run over by it. Bad karma, I know...

    1. *karma shield*

      I couldn't agree more. Seriously.

      I think they should be required to use scissors so I don't have to listen to it.

    2. That would be more amusing to watch, as well.

    3. I may or may not be falling madly in love with you right now.

    4. I was thinking the same thing...;-) lol

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  9. My neighbours ALL mow their lawns on Sunday, the one day my husband gets off. The things is they don't all mow them at the same time. Why can't they mow them after work during the week, like my husband does? And if the weather is nice, forget about sitting out in the beautiful yard we've created (on Saturdays)on a nice Sunday afternoon .... the nonstop noise is horrific.
    But they are all nice people, so I kinda forgive them.

  10. I love this post. Hilarious!

    In my old neighborhood where we all had tiny lots, but the streets were treelined it was the gas powered blowers that pissed me off. Always, always, always, would someone (usually the yard dudes- somehow everyone in that neighborhood could afford a yard dude, but me) fire up a fucking leaf blower as I was putting a kid down for a nap. I wanted to go outside, rip the leaf blower off their back, throw it in the middle of the street and run it the fuck over.

    As you can see, several years and 2 neighborhoods later, I'm not over it. I feel your pain!


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