Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

18 July 2012

When the Fu Shits, Wear It

I'm not going to recover from the indignity of the 84th Annual Family Reunion anytime soon, in case you were wondering.

That's not me, fyi.

(Yes, you read that correctly:  84th.  Annual.  For reals.  Dan's family, not mine, in case you had a moment of doubt.  I have four first cousins, because we like our Family Tree to fork.  Dan has 52.  *cough*)

The Big Moment was held at Lake Ontario, which I was assured repeatedly would be Exactly Like The Ocean.  

It wasn't.

Then I was accused of snobbery for pointing that out.

(Excuse the crap out of ME for trying to educate these people.  Fine... be stupid forever, see if I care.)


Lake Ontario.

But what do I know.

Don't get me wrong, it's a big-ass lake.  Biggest one I ever done seen.  And if I hadn't had it in my head that it would be exactly like the ocean I probably would have been super impressed and excited to see such a big lake.

Instead, I was let down.

And sulky.

And pouty.

And said shit like, "That's nothing like the ocean."

Because I'm 5, apparently.

That's not like the ocean!  That's a fucking lake!

I don't go lake swimming for the very reason that if I step on something squishy, I'll die.  Seriously.  So I hung out with the rest of the anti-lake swimmers and created enough sweat to fill my OWN lake.  Food was eaten, minutes were read (oh yes, they were... they take this family reunioning quite seriously), officers were voted in, eyes were rolled (okay, just mine... but that totally counts) and then it was time to pack up and go.

And that's when it happened, the Suck It Up Nancy moment that Karma was waiting for.

It went exactly like this, only in slow motion:

There are no trash cans at the park where the reunion was held, so basically you have to take all your crap back home with you.  (Who ever fucking heard of such a thing???  Ewwww!!)


Dan's mom had brought a plastic table cloth, plastic forks and spoons, and paper plates, which we determined could just be folded up together, tied into a bundle, and taken home to be disposed of.  (Which totally makes sense if you're an uncivilized Okie and have never seen a garbage can.  No offense to civilized Okies, of course.)

As we were folding up the table cloth with the dirty dinnerware inside, a large seagull, who had just eaten a buttload of something greenish purple and nasty, flew overhead.

I had my nose wrinkled up (I mean, eww... I was touching other people's food) and was folding the corners of the table cloth together with a look of pure disgust evident on my pouty face.

"Yes, boss!  I'm on it!!"

At the precise moment that my hand reached for the final corner, the load of poop the seagull had been saving for just such an occasion landed on the back of my hand, dripped down between the folds of my thumb and forefinger, and instantly stained my skin green.

Long story short, I had to walk through the entire park and down to the lake that was clearly not an ocean to rinse seagull poop off my hand.  Without soap.  In slimy lake water.  (Did I mention that?)

Oh, and in case you were wondering?

That shit doesn't wash off.

On the drive home, Dan's mom, who hadn't been privy to my 2 hour long bitch fest about the lack of ocean-ness of Lake Ontario asked sweety, "So what did you think of Lake Ontario?  It's like being at the ocean, isn't it?"

"Oh yes," I answered enthusiastically, with my hand still redolent of au de birdshit, "It was majestic!  Amazing!  Incredible!"


  1. They say that having a bird shit on you is supposed to be a sign of good luck to come, so.... congratulations?

    1. Um... thank you?

      So, what you're SAYING, is that Karma was actually SHINING down on me?

      Goood to know...

  2. Lake = Ocean. Yep, I totally see it. What with it being a large body of water and all. And also because there's water, you see. Right. Exactly.

    Minutes? Officers? What the hell kind of backwards ass redneck society have you married into Dani? Next thing you tell me is that everyone was wearing big white pointy hoods. It's a family tradition, you see. Uh-huh, sure. Next time you might wanna get a really bad case of idontwannaitis. Something highly contagious. Just saying.

    1. Big water = ocean.

      So sayeth people who have never seen an ocean.

      Yes... minutes, officers, door prizes... It was quite an adventure.

      No big white pointy hoods... Just casserole dishes, as far as the eye can see.

  3. Hahahha that's quite a trip. I agree, lakes are not oceans. WHERE ARE THE WAVES?!?! And to people who say, "the boats make waves!" I say, "fuck. you."

    1. Bwaaahahahahaaaa!!!

      That's my new answer: "The great lakes look like the ocean!"

      Me: "Fuck you."

  4. Would you like me to share the picture of the time at a baseball game a seagull dropped a steaming load (And yes it was actually steaming) on my arm and not only did they not help they laughed and laughed and took pictures (thats how I could share a picture) and finally no one had a napkin or a wet whip or a garden hose so I had to hike up a huge flight of stairs and all the way to restroom with a steaming pile of bird kaka on my arm???? (LONGEST RUN ON SENTENCE EVER!!!!)

    1. Yes, Amy, I do want you to share!!!!!!!!


  5. At least it didn't land in your hair?? Other than that, I got nothin'. Birds are assholes.

  6. Lake Ontario is like the ocean...said no smart person EVER! The OCEAN!? THE ocean. Master of the water world? That's like comparing... I can't even think of anything because it's such a shitty comparison. They are NOTHING alike.

  7. Oh Shit, That was funny. My kids are sstilll Talking about the time a seagull took a dorito from one of my boys. Like it Dorito Jacked him or something. Seriously, I think the kid needed some group therapy after that traumatic moment.

  8. Come on, homie. You guys are experiencing the same drought we all are. Remember the west, burning to the ground. Lakes are gross, rivers are gross...ya gotta deal. California has no water either, if that helps. My mom lives on the Colo/Utah/Nm border and they have wild fires and drought and they sold all their water to Cali. On the positive side us folks get early gardens and ... yah, that's about it. I hate it, it sucks, but yes, you're right, the lake ain't the ocean, but it's better than a mud puddle, which Champlain is starting to resemble. Hold tight, woman. You will persevere.

  9. I just realized how bitchy my comment came off. Sorry. It's cooled off to 80 so my crazy should have waned. You're correct in your observations, the lake is disgusting and it's not the ocean. I think I'm just sad, cause, the lake isn't the ocean. My little one still hasn't seen the ocean except boston harbor, which doesn't count and I can't get enough time off to go to Maine and see real ocean. And why are there so many land locked seagulls> it is definitely wrong. Make peace with the ugly lake, at this rate it may be all we have...with the droughts, we might have mudpuddles next year!


I'm a total comment whore... Leave me a message after the beep. *pause* *pause* *pause* BEEP!