Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

05 June 2012

Captain Asperger's Last Ride

My husband, Dan, has Asperger's Syndrome, which I usually refer to as Assburger's Syndrome, because of it's tendency to appear in the form of a Giant Ass.  (The Giant Ass in question being my husband.)

(Google Asperger's Syndrome if you aren't familiar... it's on the autism spectrum.)

One of Dan's lovely habits is Random Blurting and Complete Lack Of A Filter, combined with Rampant Inappropriateness.

This happened at the local Walmart last night:

He decided to shop with me.  (Oh JOY.)

I had in my hand a list.

I had, on that list, everything we needed.

Because he's DAN, and he has ASPBERGER'S, HE had to not only carry the list, but also push the cart.

Which makes things just so much fucking fun, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE ANYTHING IS.  

So our trips around the store go like this:

Dan:  "What's next?"

Me:  "What does the list say?"

Dan:  "Where's the milk?"

Me:  "In the dairy aisle."

Dan:  "Where's that?"

And so forth.


One of the items on my list read, quite simply:


So as I am guiding him towards the correct aisle, he says, in his *cough* soft and sweet little voice that NEVER CARRIES...

Dan:  "What's next?"

Me:  "What's it say?"

Dan:  "It says Kotex."

Me:  "So... obviously, what's next is Kotex."

(Like, duh... am I right?)

Dan:  "I thought you already had some.  Didn't you just buy some?  I thought you already had Kotex.  Wasn't there some in the bathroom?  I'm pretty sure there was some in the bathroom in that drawer you keep it in.  Are you sure you need Kotex?"

Me:  "Dan, obviously if I'm buying Kotex it's because I need it.  Okay?"

Dan:  "Didn't you just have your period?"

Me:  "Would you please shut up?  Oh my GOD.  Every 28 days, Dan.  Every 28 days, I need to buy Kotex.  Okay?  For the past 11 years that we've been together, I've had to explain this to you EVERY 28 DAYS that I need Kotex.  What do I need to do?  Publish it in the paper?  Have them print it on the giant electric tv thingy at the Met's games?  Jesus!  Just shut UP and stand there while I find it!"

Dan:  *momentary silence*  

Me:  *looking through the 54754736559 different brands and boxes to find the ones I want and finally grabbing the correct package*

Dan:  *unable to control himself*  "Those have wings!  I thought you didn't like wings!"

Me:  *snarling through my teeth while the 15 other people in the aisle openly watch our exchange, delighted, I'm sure, by the impromptu little show they weren't expecting*  "There are no wings."

Dan:  *grabbing the package out of my hand*  "Are you sure?  Those look like wings... Oh, wait, you're right.  Okay, what's next?"

(This blog contains no images because I couldn't find any of a woman beating her husband to death with a box of Kotex.)

Except now there is... thanks to my incredibly gifted friend, Mandi, who writes the ridiculously clever, hilarious and sarcastic blog Atypically Relevent, who created a picture of a man being beaten to death via Kotex JUST FOR ME.

I love you Mandi!

The End.