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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

05 June 2012

Captain Asperger's Last Ride

My husband, Dan, has Asperger's Syndrome, which I usually refer to as Assburger's Syndrome, because of it's tendency to appear in the form of a Giant Ass.  (The Giant Ass in question being my husband.)





(Google Asperger's Syndrome if you aren't familiar... it's on the autism spectrum.)




One of Dan's lovely habits is Random Blurting and Complete Lack Of A Filter, combined with Rampant Inappropriateness.

This happened at the local Walmart last night:


He decided to shop with me.  (Oh JOY.)

I had in my hand a list.

I had, on that list, everything we needed.

Because he's DAN, and he has ASPBERGER'S, HE had to not only carry the list, but also push the cart.

Which makes things just so much fucking fun, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE ANYTHING IS.  

So our trips around the store go like this:

Dan:  "What's next?"

Me:  "What does the list say?"

Dan:  "Where's the milk?"

Me:  "In the dairy aisle."

Dan:  "Where's that?"

And so forth.

ANYWAY.

One of the items on my list read, quite simply:

Kotex


So as I am guiding him towards the correct aisle, he says, in his *cough* soft and sweet little voice that NEVER CARRIES...

Dan:  "What's next?"

Me:  "What's it say?"


Dan:  "It says Kotex."

Me:  "So... obviously, what's next is Kotex."

(Like, duh... am I right?)


Dan:  "I thought you already had some.  Didn't you just buy some?  I thought you already had Kotex.  Wasn't there some in the bathroom?  I'm pretty sure there was some in the bathroom in that drawer you keep it in.  Are you sure you need Kotex?"

Me:  "Dan, obviously if I'm buying Kotex it's because I need it.  Okay?"


Dan:  "Didn't you just have your period?"

Me:  "Would you please shut up?  Oh my GOD.  Every 28 days, Dan.  Every 28 days, I need to buy Kotex.  Okay?  For the past 11 years that we've been together, I've had to explain this to you EVERY 28 DAYS that I need Kotex.  What do I need to do?  Publish it in the paper?  Have them print it on the giant electric tv thingy at the Met's games?  Jesus!  Just shut UP and stand there while I find it!"


Dan:  *momentary silence*  


Me:  *looking through the 54754736559 different brands and boxes to find the ones I want and finally grabbing the correct package*


Dan:  *unable to control himself*  "Those have wings!  I thought you didn't like wings!"

Me:  *snarling through my teeth while the 15 other people in the aisle openly watch our exchange, delighted, I'm sure, by the impromptu little show they weren't expecting*  "There are no wings."



Dan:  *grabbing the package out of my hand*  "Are you sure?  Those look like wings... Oh, wait, you're right.  Okay, what's next?"


(This blog contains no images because I couldn't find any of a woman beating her husband to death with a box of Kotex.)

Except now there is... thanks to my incredibly gifted friend, Mandi, who writes the ridiculously clever, hilarious and sarcastic blog Atypically Relevent, who created a picture of a man being beaten to death via Kotex JUST FOR ME.

I love you Mandi!





The End.


26 comments:

  1. You're right. I tried every permutation of "husband tampon death" that I could think of and found nothing fitting.

    I am quite thankful that I don't get those period things more than once or twice a year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm almost freaking 50... I'm pretty sure you'll find me in Ripley's one day under the caption: Oldest Woman Alive To Still Ovulate And Bitch And Bleed Every 28 Fucking Days.

      True story.

      Delete
  2. I... wow... I'm speechless. And that shit never happens to me.

    You should probably stick some kotex to the back of his shirt with "Kick me" written in red marker every time he leaves the house. I think it would be appropriate payback.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One time I took a picture of a package of Kotex and put it as his wallpaper on his phone. Since he RARELY used his phone, it was there until someone else at his job answered it one day when it was ringing and pointed it out. To everyone. Heh heh heh.

      Delete
  3. l.m.f.a.o.

    I woulda just left him there. Haha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He'd find me. I couldn't lose him if I had a sex change and moved to Cairo. Seriously.

      Delete
  4. Hhahahahah it always amazes me how often I need to buy tampons/pads. Then I remember...it's every MF month.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? WTF??? People say "buy in bulk" and I'm all, who the fuck buys a gianormous crate of Kotex?
      Then it hits me... PEOPLE WHO REMEMBER THEY BLEED EVERY 28 DAYS.

      Delete
  5. Costco babe. Get a big fucking box. Hell, get 2. Then I won't have to represent you for 1st degree murder when you finally lose it and kill Dan. Seriously, this may save lives and your marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  6. lmfao @ "(This blog contains no images because I couldn't find any of a woman beating her husband to death with a box of Kotex.)" .. I think there should be an image of that. It happens enough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now there is! LoL! Thanks to Mandi @ Atypically Relevant. She's brilliant!! I think she needs to copyright that shit.

      Delete
  7. There's not a jury in the world that would have convicted you...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right??? Seriously.

      When you see me on Snapped! you'll totally know why.

      Delete
  8. I had a crush on a man with Asperger's. He would always say the most offensive things to me, but over time, I learned to laugh. Boy, dod he give me plenty of opportunities to laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I call Dan Captain Asperger because he is seriously the poster child. OMG. The random blurting is what gets me. I've learned to not be embarrassed by him or for him... but lemme tell you, it wasn't easy.

      Delete
  9. I don't know if I would have been more mortified or angry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was more irritated than anything, but I've lived with his Asperber's for 11 years, so even while I'm plotting his imminent demise, I also know it's a compulsion that's difficult for him to control. There are no social skillz in Autism Land. There just aren't.

      Delete
  10. I just fell in love with Mandi. That picture is amazing. One of the fellas I'm dating has Aspergers. When we first met he said, "I don't really get nonverbal cues." I said, "Oh, I'm really up front. You won't have any problems knowing what I mean or how I'm feeling."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good luck with that... LoL!

      Trust me, he won't get it when you spell it out for him, either, unless it's about him. Autism is a "me" disorder. Empathy, compassion, ability to understand feelings... not their strong point, even if you draw them a picture, turn it into a pop up book, and have dancing clowns act it out for them.

      True story.

      Delete
    2. And I don't mean that disrespectfully... it's just the way it is. After working exclusively with children with autism and for over 16 years and marrying a man with Asperger's, I've learned that there are things that cannot be fixed. They can "copy" social cues, but they don't understand them. They can learn "appropriate responses" to certain things, but they don't actually FEEL it.

      Autism sucks. Hard.

      Delete
  11. That reminds me of shopping with my son who went batshit crazy the otehr day because Dreyer's ((gasp)) changed the graphics on their ice cream cartons. It was like his own personal Vietnam.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear ya, mama. I bought "dark auburn" hair color. Dan doesn't like it because he "doesn't like the word auburn." Me: "Why? It's a color." Him: (darkly) "I just don't like that word."

      Alrighty then. Went with "crushed garnet" instead. Same fucking color, different word. All was right in Dan Land.

      Delete
  12. I'm starting to wonder if my husband has Aspergers's....

    ReplyDelete
  13. My husband doesn't have Asperger's, so this comment isn't on topic. I had a hysterectomy at age 39 (best thing I ever did .... no more Kotex). About 2 day after surgery my son was leaving to go away to college, and he decided to do all his laundry in 1 big load. He put everything in the dryer and it caught on fire. My cat, who had just had kittens, alerted me to the smoking dryer by meowing really loudly. I went downstairs to the laundry room, saw the smoke and opened the garage door and threw everything from the dryer out onto the driveway. Lost just about every towel I owned (he was planning to take them with him). I forget where I was going with this ..... oh yeah ...no more Kotex.

    ReplyDelete
  14. And I had to buy a new dryer.

    ReplyDelete

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